magistersexamen
so, things are okay. the job is okay. one of the women i work for (but who ISN'T one of my actual bosses) is proving to be a challenging case in that she is very abrupt and brusque and operates on the belief that other people can't do things right and she has to watch them to see if they make a mistake. i am trying to stand up to her, calmly and assertively. today i did a pretty good job of it!
i sent off the materials for my old art professor to write recs for me. i need to call my old school counselor and ask her to write one for me, too. tomorrow, i hope to get paid. then i will open a new york bank account on saturday. i really hope to get a replacement check for the retroactive paycheck that i had lost on the subway along with my bear, and which i had therefore cancelled. bureaucracy up the ass. i hate dealing with government entities! it's been over a month since i requested a replacement check. i also never got my new york state id card in the mail, so i called them and they are supposedly sending another one. and as for my temp agency, i never received my very first paycheck which i requested to be mailed to me. so i have to tell them that tomorrow when i pick up the other check and hand in this week's timesheet. i have NO money of my own, and it's been like this for weeks! one of my credit cards is maxed out, and the other one is almost maxed out. i DESPERATELY need income! i am getting a bit from my ebay sales, but not enough for me to get by on. I NEED MONEY!!!!!!!!!!! thankfully, i have enough food in the house, and i have my monthly metrocard. that's all i need.
the mostly-vegan thing is going well so far. i feel better. i am eating nutritious foods and getting plenty of protein, calcium, iron and b-12. however...today has been a naughty day. i slipped and had a cupcake this afternoon at the hospital. i had a sugar high and then crashed terribly. i don't consume much sugar at all, so my body is like, "what the fuck?" and... i admit that i just had some m & m's. now i'm not hungry for dinner, which is bad cuz i have brussels sprouts and broccoli waiting in the fridge! maybe i will make them anyway, and not eat them. i can have them for lunch tomorrow, and for a meal on saturday as well. tomorrow night, i would like to have pasta with tomato basil sauce and olives. i bought this fake grated parmesan cheese that actually tastes better (to me) than the real grated parmesan cheese (kraft in the green cylindrical packaging). silk nog is already in the grocery stores. i have some. it's so good! yes, i am being naughty and drinking it right now. god, but do i have a sweet tooth today! next week, i dunno where we are gonna have thanksgiving dinner. i told my family straight up that i need a vegan or almost-vegan option available. i also told them that i want us to go to a place that serves the more humanely raised turkeys (though i'd prefer their abstaining from turkey all together). regular factory-farmed turkeys that you find in the supermarket have lives and deaths of UNBELIEVABLE AGONY. it has been documented!!!!!!!!
okay, i am gonna tell you something that happened to me on monday. i took the day off to go see my doctor for a follow-up to the physical exam i had a month ago. my doctor is really cute. he has a spanish last name, and i dunno if he is plain ol' spanish-american, biracial half-latino/half-white, or just plain european-looking latino. he has very thick hair that's a deep dark brown. he is not balding at all. he has great hair. he has hazel/brown eyes. they are pretty, and he has a sweet, handsome face all around. he's probably a few inches taller than i am. he has one of those masculinely voluptuous bodies that i am so attracted to. he's so cute. he's probably in his mid to late 30's. okay. so, he's really cute. he's also very nice and a very good doctor. he's also my dad's doctor, and my sister's seen him too. okay. so, my doctor and i chat it up every time i go see him. on monday, the first thing he asked me was how things were going with trying to find a job. i told him the good news. he was really happy. we were all chatty and smiling and looking in each others' eyes the whole time (except for when he needed us to be quiet so that he could read my blood pressure). yeah, the looking deep in each others' eyes and the smiling. there is chemistry between us, and it was stronger than ever before on monday. SHIT!!!!!!!! why do i keep having chemistry with UNAVAILABLE MEN?!?!?!?!?!? damn! i also have chemistry with my friend's brother-in-law, who has a GIRLFRIEND!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! i am sick of it. i don't want chemistry unless i can do something about it!!!!!!! my therapist told me that i don't have to count someone out because he is my health care provider. if i developed a thing for him, i would just find another doctor so that he and i could be together with no weirdness. i know my therapist was just trying to tell me that there's nothing inherently wrong with the attraction i have with my doctor, and that i don't have to feel guilty or dirty about it. okay, so i am trying not to feel bad about it, but i am not gonna allow myself to pursue him. if things happen between us, then fine. but i am not gonna seek him out. it's really nice to feel that warm chemistry with someone, though! it's kinda weird to feel chemistry with someone who's seen my boobs and other parts of me uncovered in the context of a medical exam! oh, well. i am trying not to feel weird and guilty about it! i am trying to accept my attraction. so, yeah. i have had two instances of mutual attractions with men in the past few months. before that, there was nothing. i know that the attractions are a sign of my journey into a new stage of grief over alex. i am moving into a place where i can both continue to love alex deeply, and also think about having a relationship with a living person again. i want to have a relationship again. i want to have that experience again. alex wants me to have it, too, but he wants me to have it with the best living man in the whole world! so, maybe it takes time to find such a man. he'll appear when the time is right, and i know alex will be happy for me! you see, alex truly, truly loves me with all his heart and spirit. he wants the best for me. i want the exact same for him. you see, i love alex so very, very much. the fact that my next relationship is gonna be awesome and loving and wonderful is a testament to how much i learned about what love really is from alex. my relationship with alex, when he was alive, helped me grow into the kind of person who can truly love and be loved. now, my love for his spirit enriches me on and on. my future partner won't be jealous that i continue to love alex. he will be appreciative of alex for enriching my heart and spirit so much to make me into the person who will love my future partner so deeply.
i sprained my wrist somehow. it hurts like hell. i need to put an ace bandage around it. typing on the computer is probably not helping it. gotta go. bye!
i sent off the materials for my old art professor to write recs for me. i need to call my old school counselor and ask her to write one for me, too. tomorrow, i hope to get paid. then i will open a new york bank account on saturday. i really hope to get a replacement check for the retroactive paycheck that i had lost on the subway along with my bear, and which i had therefore cancelled. bureaucracy up the ass. i hate dealing with government entities! it's been over a month since i requested a replacement check. i also never got my new york state id card in the mail, so i called them and they are supposedly sending another one. and as for my temp agency, i never received my very first paycheck which i requested to be mailed to me. so i have to tell them that tomorrow when i pick up the other check and hand in this week's timesheet. i have NO money of my own, and it's been like this for weeks! one of my credit cards is maxed out, and the other one is almost maxed out. i DESPERATELY need income! i am getting a bit from my ebay sales, but not enough for me to get by on. I NEED MONEY!!!!!!!!!!! thankfully, i have enough food in the house, and i have my monthly metrocard. that's all i need.
the mostly-vegan thing is going well so far. i feel better. i am eating nutritious foods and getting plenty of protein, calcium, iron and b-12. however...today has been a naughty day. i slipped and had a cupcake this afternoon at the hospital. i had a sugar high and then crashed terribly. i don't consume much sugar at all, so my body is like, "what the fuck?" and... i admit that i just had some m & m's. now i'm not hungry for dinner, which is bad cuz i have brussels sprouts and broccoli waiting in the fridge! maybe i will make them anyway, and not eat them. i can have them for lunch tomorrow, and for a meal on saturday as well. tomorrow night, i would like to have pasta with tomato basil sauce and olives. i bought this fake grated parmesan cheese that actually tastes better (to me) than the real grated parmesan cheese (kraft in the green cylindrical packaging). silk nog is already in the grocery stores. i have some. it's so good! yes, i am being naughty and drinking it right now. god, but do i have a sweet tooth today! next week, i dunno where we are gonna have thanksgiving dinner. i told my family straight up that i need a vegan or almost-vegan option available. i also told them that i want us to go to a place that serves the more humanely raised turkeys (though i'd prefer their abstaining from turkey all together). regular factory-farmed turkeys that you find in the supermarket have lives and deaths of UNBELIEVABLE AGONY. it has been documented!!!!!!!!
okay, i am gonna tell you something that happened to me on monday. i took the day off to go see my doctor for a follow-up to the physical exam i had a month ago. my doctor is really cute. he has a spanish last name, and i dunno if he is plain ol' spanish-american, biracial half-latino/half-white, or just plain european-looking latino. he has very thick hair that's a deep dark brown. he is not balding at all. he has great hair. he has hazel/brown eyes. they are pretty, and he has a sweet, handsome face all around. he's probably a few inches taller than i am. he has one of those masculinely voluptuous bodies that i am so attracted to. he's so cute. he's probably in his mid to late 30's. okay. so, he's really cute. he's also very nice and a very good doctor. he's also my dad's doctor, and my sister's seen him too. okay. so, my doctor and i chat it up every time i go see him. on monday, the first thing he asked me was how things were going with trying to find a job. i told him the good news. he was really happy. we were all chatty and smiling and looking in each others' eyes the whole time (except for when he needed us to be quiet so that he could read my blood pressure). yeah, the looking deep in each others' eyes and the smiling. there is chemistry between us, and it was stronger than ever before on monday. SHIT!!!!!!!! why do i keep having chemistry with UNAVAILABLE MEN?!?!?!?!?!? damn! i also have chemistry with my friend's brother-in-law, who has a GIRLFRIEND!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! i am sick of it. i don't want chemistry unless i can do something about it!!!!!!! my therapist told me that i don't have to count someone out because he is my health care provider. if i developed a thing for him, i would just find another doctor so that he and i could be together with no weirdness. i know my therapist was just trying to tell me that there's nothing inherently wrong with the attraction i have with my doctor, and that i don't have to feel guilty or dirty about it. okay, so i am trying not to feel bad about it, but i am not gonna allow myself to pursue him. if things happen between us, then fine. but i am not gonna seek him out. it's really nice to feel that warm chemistry with someone, though! it's kinda weird to feel chemistry with someone who's seen my boobs and other parts of me uncovered in the context of a medical exam! oh, well. i am trying not to feel weird and guilty about it! i am trying to accept my attraction. so, yeah. i have had two instances of mutual attractions with men in the past few months. before that, there was nothing. i know that the attractions are a sign of my journey into a new stage of grief over alex. i am moving into a place where i can both continue to love alex deeply, and also think about having a relationship with a living person again. i want to have a relationship again. i want to have that experience again. alex wants me to have it, too, but he wants me to have it with the best living man in the whole world! so, maybe it takes time to find such a man. he'll appear when the time is right, and i know alex will be happy for me! you see, alex truly, truly loves me with all his heart and spirit. he wants the best for me. i want the exact same for him. you see, i love alex so very, very much. the fact that my next relationship is gonna be awesome and loving and wonderful is a testament to how much i learned about what love really is from alex. my relationship with alex, when he was alive, helped me grow into the kind of person who can truly love and be loved. now, my love for his spirit enriches me on and on. my future partner won't be jealous that i continue to love alex. he will be appreciative of alex for enriching my heart and spirit so much to make me into the person who will love my future partner so deeply.
i sprained my wrist somehow. it hurts like hell. i need to put an ace bandage around it. typing on the computer is probably not helping it. gotta go. bye!
posted by Blåbär Björn at 20:00
2 Comments:
That dr sounds hunky. It's healthy to have chemistry, even if it doesn't end up going anywhere. It's always good to have the juices moving around in there.
For instance, I'm starting to fall for a new man... unfortunately, he's only about six inches long and I haven't actually met him yet. Hee hee.
gurl, i am falling for that six-inch man, too! i cried when i saw the ultrasound pic of him! i have some goodies from the hospital for him, too. the nurses were passing out baby goodies, and they let me have some for my pregnant friend (you)! :) they'll come to you with your christmas care package. i will not post a pic of the contents of the package, cuz it's a surprise! and i didn't peek at the doll for me that you posted about! :)
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