jag är en dålig kvinna

i was upset last night, so i went and bought a pint of rum and a diet coke, and put half the rum and all of the diet coke together and got trashed and then ordered pizza and cheese sticks from pizza hut and ate all the cheese sticks and ate half the pizza and fucked up my whole goddamn diet and my attempts not to drink anymore. now i feel like shit, and i had spent the most of the last $20 bill i had on the goddamn food. i ate the rest of the pizza this morning, and threw the other half of the rum down the drain.

i am still fucking broke, but i just got one of my paychecks and am going to pick up the second one on monday morning and then go to a bank and open an account. a bunch of my ebay sales just ended and some of the buyers payed me immediately, so i transferred money from paypal into my old bank account. and when the others pay me, i will transfer another lump into the new account. and hopefully the goddamn state of new york will pay me that phat replacement check ASAP.

i feel lonely and i wish i had alex here but he is dead and can only be with me in spirit, and i miss having him living physically here with me, so that i can look into his eyes and have sparks fly and hold him and hear his voice. i miss the experience of being close to a living person. that is why i write too much about men. my life does not actually revolve around men, though it might seem like it from this blog. i don't have any living person to share all the love in my heart with, and my heart is bursting at the seams! it hurts so much!

lastly, i decided not to write any thank you e-mails to the bosses who did not have the courtesy or professionalism to say one damn word to me about abruptly letting me go. i am sick of fakely acting grateful to people who treat me like shit, just because they are in a position of power and i might "regret" it someday if i "burn bridges" or don't leave "amiably". i am not going to e-mail them anything at all. they don't deserve anything from me, the way they behaved yesterday. my sister says i should write them thank-yous because those people may have influence over me in the future somehow. well, i am fucking sick of kissing ass and being fake in fear of people using their power negatively over me. you know, i left my last permanent position in august because i had suffered over a year of working under one of the most verbally and emotionally abusive people i have ever met...and i was told not to say or write anything to her about why i was leaving, because she might use her power to retaliate, and she might have influence over my future in some way someday. so people, such as my family members, scared me into not "burning bridges" by telling the truth about why i was leaving, so i remained silent out of fear of her power.

I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF PEOPLE IN POWER WHO DON'T BEHAVE APPROPRIATELY, AND I REFUSE TO LET MYSELF BE COWED AND SILENCED BY THEM ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT GOING TO WRITE FUCKING THANK-YOUS TO THESE PEOPLE WHO DUMPED ME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SICK OF PLAYING "NICE GIRL". I WANT TO BE SOMEONE WHO STANDS UP FOR HERSELF AND IS COURAGEOUS IN THE FACE OF THREATS. THAT'S WHO I AM NOW. THAT IS WHO I AM, AND I WILL FIGHT TO MOVE UP IN THE WORLD NO MATTER WHAT THE POWERS THAT BE TRY TO DO. I AM GONNA KICK FUCKING ASS. DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. AND MOHANDAS GANDHI DID NOT DO THEIR AMAZING WORK BY COWING TO THE POWERS THAT BE. THEY FOUGHT NON-VIOLENTLY FOR THEMSELVES AND THEIR PEOPLE AND THEIR BELIEFS, AND THAT IS THE KIND OF PERSON I WANT TO BE AND AM MAKING MYSELF BECOME.