love of my life #3

i want to tell you about the third love of my life. i have yet to meet him. i dunno where or when, though i hope so much that it's soon! i don't know who it is. i've had two loves before. they're both my soulmates. i can't be with either one now, for different reasons. so, i must wait for #3 to show up. the first love of my life often takes over my dreams at night. i have a lot of unfinished business with him. the second love of my life died. i don't have unfinished business with him. he does not haunt my dreams. his spirit is with me all the time. i'm at peace with him.

i've been getting out and about more lately, partly because i'm employed at the mo', partly for my own mental health (volunteering and doing political stuff makes my mental health better), and partly because that next volunteer event or radical passover seder or night out might be when i meet him. and maybe i'll meet him at grad school. i dunno. i just want god to be good to me and let me not be one of the ones who spend the rest of their lives alone. i'd rather die now and be with alex in nangijala if that's gonna be the case. i can't go for decades and decades alone. i'd rather just go now.

i guess my impatience is partly fear: fear that i will always be alone. i'm afraid that i will never find another person to love and share my life with. i pray and pray that god will give me a gift since i have already been through so much hardship and have gotten through it without it killing me. i want god to give me someone who i can be very close to who also won't die on me. i want a life partner with whom i'll create a family. i've worked so long and hard on myself, and i know i will be a very loving partner. god, will you please allow me to be one of the people who have a wonderful, loving, lasting partnership?