[inga]

i hadn't been volunteering with the animal shelter for months. i finally volunteered yesterday. there's a new dog named whitney. she's a 10-month-old great pyranees mix. she was very skittish at first, but she warmed up as i handled her. i think her first human had abused her. :( she'll never be abused again, though. from now on, it'll be all love and cuddles. i wish i could adopt her. i really bonded with her. she would make a great therapy dog. when she's not feeling skittish, she's very, very calm. she's also beautiful. she's a big ball of white fur, and she is going to be a very large dog when she finishes growing. i am going to volunteer for them every weekend from now on like i used to.

for the past three weeks, i have had temporary assignments. yay! i don't yet have one for this week, but i am hoping to get one. i'm going to one of the temp agencies today to talk to someone about how to handle different job situations. it's part of their support of us temps. i love that agency. i pray and pray that i get another assignment for the rest of this week. i need the money desperately!!!

i haven't been talking to either my mother or sister for over a month. they have been negative and emotionally abusive figures in my life, and i have had it. they need to relearn how to treat me. until then, i don't want to talk to them. the last straw was when my sister found out i didn't have health insurance anymore, and started screaming at me at the top of her lungs. i got up and left and haven't talked to her since. they might think i am just temporarily giving them the silent treatment, but i'm not. this is serious. i don't want to fucking talk to them. i am sick of the family dynamics that have been in place my whole life. i will no longer have a part of them.

i am still e-mailing back and forth with english boy every day. things have calmed down. i think he knows we're not "the one" for each other. but...we are dear friends and will probably remain so for a long time, if not forever. thank god he's not "the one". i need for "the one" to live in my goddamn CITY, let alone my country. no more immigrating to other countries. once was enough to last me the rest of my life.

i am still waiting to hear from the schools about whether or not i got in. i hope i did! i really, really hope so! if i can't go to grad school here, i might leave new york altogether. it's too hard here. life for me here has been one big fucking struggle after another. other places are not so hard to live in. so...my plan b is to leave. i have family and friends here, and i've gotten used to this place as being my home, but if i can't make it here, i will have to go.

i am really bad at talking to people, especially over the phone. i often don't have it in me to talk to anyone. i just need to be alone. i feel like i am in a chrysalis. i feel like i am packed away in a state of transformation. i hope that no one takes it personally that i am packed away. this is just what i need now. i need to do this to change into the next phase of life. i think i will come out as a bigger person.

i am addicted to half-sour pickles and bi-bim-bop. just wanted to share that.