Hej

This handsome man is my Alexander. This picture was taken when he was at the rehab hospital a few months after his stroke. He is wearing the helmet because half of his skull is gone. They took it out after he had the stroke because his brain was swelling. This is the man who could hug me and make everything okay. I told my friend Bonnie tonight that God owes me big-time for taking Alex away from me. I hardly ask for anything from God. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved. When I finally received that gift, it was taken away forever. God, you know what I have been praying for and lighting candles for these last few days, and it's the only thing I ask of you. Please.

Bonnie is moving to Chicago at the beginning of January. New York City is too expensive, too cutthroat, and she can't have the quality of life she wants here. She's struggled so much just to eke out a meager living ever since she got here almost two years ago. I feel the same way as she does, but my dad and sister are here, and I wanna go to grad school here, and I love this place even though it is so hard to get by in. I dunno. Maybe I'll have to leave, too, if I continue to slither on and on.

I finally called my old counselor and friend in California and asked her to write me a recommendation for grad school. She says I would make an excellent social worker. She's always told me I should be a counselor or social worker or teacher, cuz I would be so good at it. She says being a social worker would be so perfect for me. I have been through so much in my life and have so much compassion for other people and I would fight so hard for them, and I am so committed to social justice for people of all walks of life, especially disenfranchised folks. I am sending her the recommendation forms tomorrow.

I also need to send out my mail-order prescription for the Metformin my doctor prescribed to help me lose weight. My dad insists on taking me to buy shoes tomorrow. I asked for the shoes for Christmas, but yesterday while I was running errands, I felt something weird through the sole of my shoe and discovered that the sole has been worn right through. The shoes are only 1 1/2 years old, but I guess they wore out due to how much I walk. So, he's gonna get me my Christmas present early. I am glad to be able to see him. I need support. I don't feel well mentally.