jag drömde om alex igår kväll

i had a good day. i hung out with my dad all day. he gets sundays and mondays off. i opened a new york bank account and deposited my first paycheck in. i sent off a bunch of dvds that i sold on ebay. i chilled out with my dad. i flaked on volunteering with the dog therapy organization tonight, though. i couldn't bring myself to go all the way to the upper west side and then have to commute all the way home from there at 9:30. i just didn't have it in me today.

the color i'm writing with now is close to the color of alex's eyes. they were hazel. there's no word for hazel eyes in swedish. such eyes are called "mixed-color". it says "mixed-color" on his birth certificate (but in swedish, of course). i told alex that in english, eyes like his have their own special name: hazel. he thought that was really cool. i was just blogging yesterday or the day before about how i hardly ever dream about him. i dreamt about him last night! before i went to bed, i read my journal from the whole period of time from before i met him in person to when i was waiting for a visa to immigrate there. i felt the tenderness so freshly when i read the words i wrote about him and about us. then he was in my dream after i fell asleep. he was in a wheelchair, post-stroke. i kissed him and kissed him and kissed him and held him and walked next to him as he wheeled around. we were totally together. it was so great! i love dreaming about him! i feel like i get to physically be with him again during such dreams. but my dreams of him are so rare. my emotional unfinished business takes up the majority of space in my dreaming, unfortunately. dreaming of alex is a rare treat. in my journal from back before his stroke, i wrote about how i kept dreaming of singing to him. i had forgotten about that, but now i remember those dreams. i had them on so many nights during the period i stayed with him in the fall and winter of 2003. i would hold him and sing softly to him in the dreams. there was this incredible feeling of love in the dreams. such intense love of a caliber i'd never felt before. love given and received freewillingly. love soaking into every crevace of our beings, totally fluid with no barriers. such intense dreams! i remember that i also broke down and sobbed in front of alex a couple of times during that fall and winter. i sobbed so hard. i was just overcome with emotion. i felt so much for him that it made me cry, and when i cried like that, he would hug me. when alex hugged me, it was like the most phenomenal healing medicine. i had never before had a reaction to a hug like that. i couldn't explain in words why i was crying, and he had no words to comfort me, only his wonderful embrace. god, i miss the talking to him for hours and hours and hours about everything under the sun. i remember him making me laugh so hard with his great sense of humor. how damn sweet and kind and patient and open-hearted and warm he was. all these little things he did or said that would totally melt my heart. he treated me like the most precious person in the world to him. he didn't treat me like that by just saying it or buying me a rose or something. he treated me like that in all sorts of ways, many so small but so meaningful. they were like breathing oxygen for him, these ways of treating me so preciously. these ways of treating me were totally natural to him like a life-sustaining reflex. god, i miss him so much. i am so damn lucky i met him before he passed away. i am so damn lucky for the time i had with him. no one knew at the time, but his heart had been a ticking time bomb for years, and i met him within months of that heart disease finally causing his stroke, and then taking his life six months later. i had come into his life at the end, though i didn't know that until he died. i gave him the gift of knowing love and sharing love. he gave me the same gift. the last big gift of his life was one that totally transformed another human being forever. i know that he died a transformed person because of me too. i've told alex's spirit several times that when it's my turn to pass to nangijala, i want him to be right there with his hand outstretched, to help me through to the other side. i know he'll be there. he'll help me cross over. i'm not so scared of dying anymore. i can't be so scared of going to a olace where alex is, even though that place remains a mystery to me. if alex is okay there, i am okay there. i just got my new york state id card, and i am signed up as an organ donor. i told my dad tonight that i want him to make sure that all my organs are donated if i croak before he does. i told him that i want my heart donated to someone with alex's heart disease, dilated cardiomyopathy, so that their life can be saved. i want this so strongly that i want to find out about writing a will instructing that this be done upon my death. the doctors said alex was too weak to get a heart transplant, due to the horrible stroke he'd suffered. if only they had found out about his heart problem before the stroke, they could have done something.

i can't post a fucking picture of alex on here for some reason, and it's pissing me off! there is some sort of glitch. i will post it later i guess. he was half-swedish/half-greek, and every bit as gorgeous as you'd imagine a man with such a mix would be! i'm so glad i saw him in my dream last night. i've felt such peace all day because of it.