har gjort ingenting idag
i've been in bed all day, just like yesterday. i was supposed to go to the javits center with the adoption van. i flaked out. i was supposed to see my dad and sister. i flaked out. i was supposed to go to the main post office and mail out the stuff i sold on ebay. i flaked out. i ate blueberry waffles for a meal at around 10 a.m. i slept poorly last night. i haven't eaten since i had the waffles. i took my anti-depressants and my metformin and my flax seed oil. i haven't showered. my apartment is a total mess. i've cried all day. i am so incredibly and desperately lonely. i envy friends who have partners. sometimes i wonder if i'll be alone for the rest of my life. i finally found someone i could love who could love me back, and he wasn't only taken from me but from this earth. i feel like i'm being punished for something. i feel like god punishes me. like, i think that i finally have found something great, but god whips me as hard as possible, and says to me, "no, you stupid bitch. you can't have that. i am taking it away." sometimes i wonder if god hates me. i'm not good enough to have someone in my life who stays in my life and loves me and accepts my love. i'll never have that, i fear deep down. i try so hard most of the time to believe that god will give me something good finally and not take it away. i try so hard to be spiritual in a good way. i even pray to alex that he help me find someone to be with because i know he wants that for me as much as i want it for myself. i know alex is always on my side. but sometimes i wonder if god is. why did god take alex? why? and why am i stuck here now like this? why have i had such bad experiences at jobs here? and just when i found a job i liked, i was suddenly dumped. it's like, i know god wants me to go through this stuff to make me stronger, but HOW STRONG DO I HAVE TO BE?!?!?!?!? HAVEN'T I TAKEN ENOUGH TESTS FOR NOW?!?!?!? WHY CAN'T I HAVE SOMETHING REALLY GOOD AND GET TO KEEP IT?!?!?!?!?!? WHY?!?!?!?!?!? HAVEN'T I ALREADY PROVEN HOW STRONG I CAN BE?!?!?!? I AM SICK OF HAVING TO PROVE IT TO GOD AND TO EVERYONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!! god, don't send anyone into my life unless they can stay, unless they can love me and stay with me for the rest of my life. I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE HEARTBREAK. WHY CAN'T YOU SEND ANOTHER ANGEL TO ME AND ALLOW HIM TO STAY?!?!?!?!? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ALONE?????? I'M AT THE BRINK, GOD. I'M AT THE BRINK. THROW ME A BONE. PLEASE.
i want so much to love and be loved. i want it so much that i'm in physical pain and i haven't been out of bed all weekend. i can't have alex. i can't have alex anymore because he's dead and all i can have with him is a spiritual relationship. andy is the only other person i've ever loved and my heart is breaking as i think about him because it's not fair that he is alive and physically able to be with me on this earth but i will never be with him again because he won't ever be able to do it. he'll never be able to go there with me. it's not fair that god challenged me so much to learn how to love and let someone in, but god didn't require that of andy and he's still emotionally closed off. and i may never meet another person that i love so much. one man i love loves me very much in return but he's dead and the other man is alive but is dead in that there's no pulse in his emotional heart for me. i keep putting my stethoscope on andy's heart hoping to hear the incredible beat, but there is none. he won't let me hear it, not me, not me. he can't bring himself to let me hear it. it's too much for him to bear; he must feel like he would break apart to make himself so vulnerable to someone whose love wants to glide around inside every part of him. my recurring dreams about him are about me trying desperately to talk to him and be with him, and the more i try to be close, the more he runs away. in the recurring dreams, his mother invites me over to their house, which is warm and inviting and full of wonderful old memories of andy and me playing together as small children. she invites me over, she nurtures me and cares for me. there's food and music and love. and i love her and i love her son, but he moves away as i advance towards him. i am perpetually seeking him out. then i wake up over and over during the night and i never get enough sleep and i'm always tired. i don't dream much about alex. alex doesn't haunt me. alex is always with me, open to me, loving me with his spirit warming me constantly. i don't have unfinished business with him. i feel at peace with him. the people i dream about the most are the ones i have the unfinished business with. andy was the most important person in my childhood. he keeps haunting me, haunting me. he was my first love. my love for him keeps haunting me. it has always haunted me, but it was a quiet haunting in the background for most of my twenties. now it is so loud. i really hope i meet an incredible, open, loving man soon. i want that man to be the third love of my life. i want him to be the one who both shares the deep down spaces with me and stays with me. i want him to be the one who neither hides his heart from me nor dies on me. i pray with all of my heart for him to come soon because i am bursting at the seams, and i can't go on like this. andy will never be able to make himself vulnerable enough with me. never. it's like, the feelings are too intense and my connection to him is way too old and filled with so much stuff from our growing-up years and it gets to his very core like some sort of itch he can't scratch and he'll never face and embrace me. i know this in my spirit because he is also my soulmate like alex is, and my soul knows what's going on in his, no matter where he is or how long it's been since i've physically seen him. i've been talking to his soul and i have been receiving things back from his soul because i have had these realizations about his experience with me that i never even had any idea about. souls talk and give love freely but the people they're housed in can chain themselves down and not be able to budge. that is one of the biggest causes of heartbreak in the world. andy has broken my heart a million times in that way.
okay, i will keep praying that someone comes into my life. at least i have blue to help me get through this. i would be lost if i hadn't gotten her back and i were going through all this shit. blue is physically my teddy bear and spiritually my guardian bear spirit. alex gave her to me when he was sick in the hospital. she is the most treasured gift i've ever received, and i lost her on the subway last month. i was completely devastated. i know that alex whispered constantly in the soul's ear of the person who found her, and that person took her to the subway lost-and-found. i lost a little blue bear in a city of 8 million people and alex helped her come back to me. that's love.
i want so much to love and be loved. i want it so much that i'm in physical pain and i haven't been out of bed all weekend. i can't have alex. i can't have alex anymore because he's dead and all i can have with him is a spiritual relationship. andy is the only other person i've ever loved and my heart is breaking as i think about him because it's not fair that he is alive and physically able to be with me on this earth but i will never be with him again because he won't ever be able to do it. he'll never be able to go there with me. it's not fair that god challenged me so much to learn how to love and let someone in, but god didn't require that of andy and he's still emotionally closed off. and i may never meet another person that i love so much. one man i love loves me very much in return but he's dead and the other man is alive but is dead in that there's no pulse in his emotional heart for me. i keep putting my stethoscope on andy's heart hoping to hear the incredible beat, but there is none. he won't let me hear it, not me, not me. he can't bring himself to let me hear it. it's too much for him to bear; he must feel like he would break apart to make himself so vulnerable to someone whose love wants to glide around inside every part of him. my recurring dreams about him are about me trying desperately to talk to him and be with him, and the more i try to be close, the more he runs away. in the recurring dreams, his mother invites me over to their house, which is warm and inviting and full of wonderful old memories of andy and me playing together as small children. she invites me over, she nurtures me and cares for me. there's food and music and love. and i love her and i love her son, but he moves away as i advance towards him. i am perpetually seeking him out. then i wake up over and over during the night and i never get enough sleep and i'm always tired. i don't dream much about alex. alex doesn't haunt me. alex is always with me, open to me, loving me with his spirit warming me constantly. i don't have unfinished business with him. i feel at peace with him. the people i dream about the most are the ones i have the unfinished business with. andy was the most important person in my childhood. he keeps haunting me, haunting me. he was my first love. my love for him keeps haunting me. it has always haunted me, but it was a quiet haunting in the background for most of my twenties. now it is so loud. i really hope i meet an incredible, open, loving man soon. i want that man to be the third love of my life. i want him to be the one who both shares the deep down spaces with me and stays with me. i want him to be the one who neither hides his heart from me nor dies on me. i pray with all of my heart for him to come soon because i am bursting at the seams, and i can't go on like this. andy will never be able to make himself vulnerable enough with me. never. it's like, the feelings are too intense and my connection to him is way too old and filled with so much stuff from our growing-up years and it gets to his very core like some sort of itch he can't scratch and he'll never face and embrace me. i know this in my spirit because he is also my soulmate like alex is, and my soul knows what's going on in his, no matter where he is or how long it's been since i've physically seen him. i've been talking to his soul and i have been receiving things back from his soul because i have had these realizations about his experience with me that i never even had any idea about. souls talk and give love freely but the people they're housed in can chain themselves down and not be able to budge. that is one of the biggest causes of heartbreak in the world. andy has broken my heart a million times in that way.
okay, i will keep praying that someone comes into my life. at least i have blue to help me get through this. i would be lost if i hadn't gotten her back and i were going through all this shit. blue is physically my teddy bear and spiritually my guardian bear spirit. alex gave her to me when he was sick in the hospital. she is the most treasured gift i've ever received, and i lost her on the subway last month. i was completely devastated. i know that alex whispered constantly in the soul's ear of the person who found her, and that person took her to the subway lost-and-found. i lost a little blue bear in a city of 8 million people and alex helped her come back to me. that's love.
posted by Blåbär Björn at 19:16
1 Comments:
Oh, Mer. I will send you good man vibes. I know you will find someone and it will be wonderful and it will be at the right time. You deserve that.
In the meantime, don't feel bad about binging on pizza and rum, or flaking out. Life is so hard, and you're amazing for being so strong.
I wish I had all the right words for you. Just know that I love you and you are in my thoughts.
Skicka en kommentar
<< Home