hej igen
i am a relatively young woman living out in a lair under a house. this is my blog.
i am going through a libertine phase. i am realizing that i have quit taking a lot of shit from other people, and i have quit doing things based on what others think. i just do what the fuck is real to me, for the first time in my life. i am living life to the fullest extent possible for someone who has almost no money. i feel more alive now than in a long time. i also feel a lot of pain, loneliness and fear. it would not surprise me if i were diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. life right now is VERY strange for me.
i spent new year's kissing a man i had been corresponding with for a few weeks. i met him on a dating site. we established an incredible rapport. he asked me out on a date. i met him at a vegetarian restaurant on saturday night. then we went to hear some jazz and then he invited me to his home. i went home with him and stayed there with him until monday late morning. yes, we were very intimate. he came to my lair yesterday and spent hours in my bed cuddling with me. nothing sexual happened. he's confused. i'm confused. i have a gut feeling we'll end up just being friends. he is a very open-minded, intelligent, loving, caring, positive, spiritual, mature, funny, sweet, special man. i've never met anyone else like him. i think that we are both still reeling from the incredibly intense time we spent together over the course of almost three days. he's the only straight guy i've ever known who has a rainbow flag displayed prominently in his apartment. no, he's not closeted. he's just an AWESOME straight man!
recently i got fired from a temp job. i made a big mistake the first two days of the job and messed around with one of my colleagues. he then freaked out that we had messed around and proceeded to treat me like total shit after that, and it therefore became a difficult environment to work in. then my boss apparently was very dissatisfied with me using my phone to call the airline when the next day's flight home for christmas was suddenly cancelled due to the snowstorm in colorado. i do not regret using my phone at work. otherwise, my dad and i never would have gotten a replacement flight and would have been stuck in new york for christmas. i was also basically told by my temp agency that i showed too much personality for the tastes of the people who worked at the place. hmmm....well, i am learning that temps should be seen and not heard, should keep to themselves, and should always remember that they are simply cogs in a machine, only good for mechanically working and working, and very easy to replace if the smallest issue arises. i have had it with this particular temp agency and their assignments with places where i am treated like a cog and not a human being.
maybe i will apply for a job at whole foods market or some other place. i dunno. somewhere where i am not an office wench. i have proven to myself that i can financially get by on very little money. i don't need a salary like the one i had at the last permanent job i had. i just need to pay my bills and eat. that's it.
i am beginning to write my personal statement for grad school. it's the only thing i have left to do for my applications. it is SOOOO hard for me to do. i feel like i am empty and have nothing to write in the personal statement. i might postpone one of my apps till the deadline for spring 2008 instead of fall 2007. another app for fall 2007 isn't due until june. the third app is the one i'm gonna do. yeah, if i think of just finishing one app by february, i won't feel so overwhelmed.
i've just had so many bad things happen to me, one after the other, for so long, that i am sticking my tongue out at everything and everyone, in a way. i am mooning god and the world. i think that's why i am going through such a libertine phase. playing by the rules and doing what others wanted got me nothing and nowhere. i am even thumbing my nose at karma now. i feel like i have bad karma even though i am constantly trying to do good for others. it's like, no matter how good a person i try to be, or how much i play by the rules, i am punished. the only way in which i am getting good karma is through animals. i have AWESOME animal karma!!! but my human karma fucking sucks.
it's so hard for me to function in any sort of practical way. the only things i'm currently good at doing are selling things on ebay and volunteering at the shelter. i have power in both of those situations. i garner respect in both of those situations. at jobs, i am not respected or recognized for my hard work. at jobs, i am just a cog in a machine. i am fucking sick being a cog in a machine and an office wench.
well, if the world is gonna dish me shit no matter how hard i try to do things well and play by the rules, i might as well just do whatever the fuck i want. the outcome is the same: shit. might as well have fun while i get dished shit!
i might hook up with one night stand #2 again, since it doesn't look like the awesome straight man and i are gonna go the relationship route. we haven't decided that yet, but i feel instinctually that we are gonna end up as just friends. well, if trying to be as emotionally mature, emotionally available, loving, compassionate, open-minded and caring is not gonna bring me someone with whom i will share true love and a committed, lasting partnership, i might as well be a slag. i might as well have fun, since the outcome is always my being alone, no matter what i do. i might as well be a slag and get some physical gratification! and at least the men i've been intimate with give me recognition for my skills and talents in the s.e.x. department!
i am going through a libertine phase. i am realizing that i have quit taking a lot of shit from other people, and i have quit doing things based on what others think. i just do what the fuck is real to me, for the first time in my life. i am living life to the fullest extent possible for someone who has almost no money. i feel more alive now than in a long time. i also feel a lot of pain, loneliness and fear. it would not surprise me if i were diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. life right now is VERY strange for me.
i spent new year's kissing a man i had been corresponding with for a few weeks. i met him on a dating site. we established an incredible rapport. he asked me out on a date. i met him at a vegetarian restaurant on saturday night. then we went to hear some jazz and then he invited me to his home. i went home with him and stayed there with him until monday late morning. yes, we were very intimate. he came to my lair yesterday and spent hours in my bed cuddling with me. nothing sexual happened. he's confused. i'm confused. i have a gut feeling we'll end up just being friends. he is a very open-minded, intelligent, loving, caring, positive, spiritual, mature, funny, sweet, special man. i've never met anyone else like him. i think that we are both still reeling from the incredibly intense time we spent together over the course of almost three days. he's the only straight guy i've ever known who has a rainbow flag displayed prominently in his apartment. no, he's not closeted. he's just an AWESOME straight man!
recently i got fired from a temp job. i made a big mistake the first two days of the job and messed around with one of my colleagues. he then freaked out that we had messed around and proceeded to treat me like total shit after that, and it therefore became a difficult environment to work in. then my boss apparently was very dissatisfied with me using my phone to call the airline when the next day's flight home for christmas was suddenly cancelled due to the snowstorm in colorado. i do not regret using my phone at work. otherwise, my dad and i never would have gotten a replacement flight and would have been stuck in new york for christmas. i was also basically told by my temp agency that i showed too much personality for the tastes of the people who worked at the place. hmmm....well, i am learning that temps should be seen and not heard, should keep to themselves, and should always remember that they are simply cogs in a machine, only good for mechanically working and working, and very easy to replace if the smallest issue arises. i have had it with this particular temp agency and their assignments with places where i am treated like a cog and not a human being.
maybe i will apply for a job at whole foods market or some other place. i dunno. somewhere where i am not an office wench. i have proven to myself that i can financially get by on very little money. i don't need a salary like the one i had at the last permanent job i had. i just need to pay my bills and eat. that's it.
i am beginning to write my personal statement for grad school. it's the only thing i have left to do for my applications. it is SOOOO hard for me to do. i feel like i am empty and have nothing to write in the personal statement. i might postpone one of my apps till the deadline for spring 2008 instead of fall 2007. another app for fall 2007 isn't due until june. the third app is the one i'm gonna do. yeah, if i think of just finishing one app by february, i won't feel so overwhelmed.
i've just had so many bad things happen to me, one after the other, for so long, that i am sticking my tongue out at everything and everyone, in a way. i am mooning god and the world. i think that's why i am going through such a libertine phase. playing by the rules and doing what others wanted got me nothing and nowhere. i am even thumbing my nose at karma now. i feel like i have bad karma even though i am constantly trying to do good for others. it's like, no matter how good a person i try to be, or how much i play by the rules, i am punished. the only way in which i am getting good karma is through animals. i have AWESOME animal karma!!! but my human karma fucking sucks.
it's so hard for me to function in any sort of practical way. the only things i'm currently good at doing are selling things on ebay and volunteering at the shelter. i have power in both of those situations. i garner respect in both of those situations. at jobs, i am not respected or recognized for my hard work. at jobs, i am just a cog in a machine. i am fucking sick being a cog in a machine and an office wench.
well, if the world is gonna dish me shit no matter how hard i try to do things well and play by the rules, i might as well just do whatever the fuck i want. the outcome is the same: shit. might as well have fun while i get dished shit!
i might hook up with one night stand #2 again, since it doesn't look like the awesome straight man and i are gonna go the relationship route. we haven't decided that yet, but i feel instinctually that we are gonna end up as just friends. well, if trying to be as emotionally mature, emotionally available, loving, compassionate, open-minded and caring is not gonna bring me someone with whom i will share true love and a committed, lasting partnership, i might as well be a slag. i might as well have fun, since the outcome is always my being alone, no matter what i do. i might as well be a slag and get some physical gratification! and at least the men i've been intimate with give me recognition for my skills and talents in the s.e.x. department!
posted by Blåbär Björn at 18:22
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