somniga jordnött och fuzzyblue

i'm so tired. didn't get home til 3-something a.m. was out all night with mary and her college friends. wish i had a lot more time to hang out with her. i haven't seen her since 1999! i wanna have her all to myself for lots of days. i wish i could be there to help her through her pregnancy, to like, pamper her through it. i just think it's so amazing that she created this whole new human being of her own who is now comfortably chillin' out in this cozy, warm, safe womb room. i totally felt his quiet, calm, peaceful energy emanating from his little home inside my friend. i feel like he's a laid-back guy. i feel like he's really special, very unique, like he's gonna be one of those people that's truly one-of-a-kind. he's one of those people about whom others will think, "i'm glad his parents had him!". he's gonna be gorgeous, too. a special human is growing in there. the swedish name for "peanut" is "jordnött", literally meaning "earth nut". peanut's growing from the fertile earth of his mother's body. she's literally mother earth to him. he's dreaming in there now, ya know. he has these dreams all the time. when he was conceived, his spirit went from pure spirit dreaming to slowly incorporating living human dreaming. as his body develops, his living human dreaming grows, but the pure spirit dreaming is still a very strong part of the mix. babies dreams feel like australian aboriginal paintings of dreamtime, because dreamtime is the source of all of us. it's the home we came from and the home we'll go back to. alex is there. i think aboriginal paintings of "dreamtime" are the most incredible expressions of the human spirit essence ever existing on earth. i feel at home, in the deepest sense of the word, when i look at them. dreamtime is still at the core of me and of all of us. it's much easier for babies to access it since they are so close to it. some adults can access it better than others. i am one of the ones who access it better. i never allowed myself to separate from it as much as most people do as they "grow up". maybe that's part of why i seem so childlike to many others. i am childlike, yet i also feel like a very old woman who's had a lifetime of experience behind her. a lot has happened to me in this 29-year-old life. how wise and enlightened will i become if i actually live to be an old woman? i hope i will be one of those people who radiate peace and love and wisdom from their core and have a healing energy. i wanna be a healer. i think i already am. i think the more i love and believe in myself, the more powerful a healer i'll be. you know, i think the e-mail i sent to andy's mom the other day is having some sort of healing effect on her. like, she literally seemed turned upside down by what i told her about her son. she told me i gave her a great gift. i gave her that gift by being totally open and honest and using my true voice. she said she feels that i will be spiritually by her side during these days go by that she processes what i told her in the e-mail. you know, the more i love someone, the more i feel that i know their fundamental makeup. with andy and alex, i feel like i can swim in their dream origins. i feel like we might have come from the same dream space, swimming close together. i guess that's what "soulmates" means. that's like, why i love those two men so deeply. peanut inhabits dreamtime very closely with other spirits, and he will someday meet one or two or three or more of those spirits in their living human form and love them deeply, and they will love him just as much in return. i hope that peanut never loses sight of his dreamtime, never loses sight that he is truly, truly a miracle. the unfolding of his life will be an amazing thing to behold. lilla jordnött!

well, tonight i am going to a concert to commemorate world aids day, which was yesterday. different wonderful musicians will be playing songs of fela, whose music i totally love and who died of aids. i hope to see mary today or tomorrow sometime.

i'm really annoyed by these blogger.com glitches. there is no toolbar at the top of this post that is allowing me to post pictures or change fonts, colors, etc. argh!