i like to kvetch

i finally got a call from the temp agency about a three-week assignment. guess what i was doing when the call came? interviewing at another temp agency. guess who called me later that day? the temp agency i had signed up with even before the one that's hooked me up the most, which i haven't heard from in months. isn't that fucked up? why was no one calling me two weeks ago? and now when i'm trying out a new agency, my phone starts ringing. well, i took the three-week stint, which begins on monday. my ebay sales continue to be really sluggish, even though i have over 80 things on there, including some really cool dvd box sets. i just don't understand why they're not going.

the brother and sister, as i expected, did not choose me as the person they wanted to room with. today, i saw the apartment of the friend-of-a-friend, and i thought everything about it was incredible. i really, really want to live there, but i'm not expecting to be chosen. the other two places i was rejected for were not totally ideal, so i wasn't too upset when i was passed over, but i will really feel let down if i don't get this one. i dunno how she's gonna choose who will get to sublet her place. i just pray that it'll be me. i am also meeting a woman on monday who i'll talk to about perhaps joining forces and looking for an apt. together. my friend from whom i'm currently subletting just gave me the name of another person i can contact about whether we'd make a good team. i have four weeks max before i have to be out. i want to have something settled as soon as possible!

i am really, really fucking ready to love someone and share my life with him. not having him is breaking my heart. i wish he'd appear. there are two men i now love and one of them is dead. the other one is in okinawa with his girlfriend, and anyway, he isn't in the emotional place where he's made peace with what happened between us in the past. i find myself thinking too much about him sometimes, i guess because he's now the only man who is alive on this earth that i feel love for. i just wish that someone i could actually be with would come along VERY FUCKING SOON. the other day, i saw this man on the subway who i thought was drop-dead gorgeous, and when he smiled, i just about sank onto the floor of the subway car. i haven't had that reaction to a face in so long! this man's smile was so incredible. he might not be gorgeous to the general population, just as andy and alex might not be anything special to look at for most people (but are devastatingly beautiful to me). he was breathtaking to me, though, especially when that sweet smile crept across his full lips, softening his entire lovely face. he was latino, and specifically looked like he was probably puerto rican. anyway, he was with his girlfriend. he treated her really sweetly. i could tell they were very much in love and were really happy. i want to be head-over-heels in love again. i want it to last. i want it to be with someone who i consider to be my best friend in the whole world. i want him to stay living on this earth and not die on me. i want him to be soooo handsome in my eyes that his smile will be the most incredible thing i see. i want him to have the same reaction to my smile. i want to feel like i could cuddle him forever and never get sick of it. i want to see my future children dancing in his eyes. i want him to get as upset over the mistreatment of humans and animals as i get. i want us to laugh a lot together. i want us to someday live together where i can do my social work/animal-assisted therapy/wildlife rehabilitation. maybe he'll be a social worker/animal-assisted therapist/wildlife rehabilitator, too. maybe we'll found our own organization for troubled kids to come live and work with and take care of animals. maybe one day, we'll have a baby black bear in our rehab facility. maybe i'll get to hold the cub in my arms.

i want to have a fulfilling life working with people and animals, and i want to have a wonderful lifelong relationship. i have so much love in my heart to give to another person. i would be such a loving, committed, supportive, kind partner. i hope that god lets me give those gifts to one of the other humans on this earth. is he wondering where his future partner is? is he wishing she would come along? who is he? where is he? when will i meet him? is he also wondering who i am, where i am, and when he'll meet me? i want to rent an airplane that scrawls messages across the sky and tell him i'm here. i wish god would give me a sign that my future partner exists and that i won't be a lonely widow for the rest of my life. i know that alex does not want me to be a lonely widow. he wants me to find love again. i think god keeps showing me that part of my reason for being here is to help animals. i was born with a great love and sensitivity for animals. i also feel like god put me through all of the hardships i've faced to make me strong and compassionate enough to help all different kinds of people. i hope that i also get a sign from god that a really special man exists for me, and that he will be in my life in the future. maybe my interactions with my doctor, my friend's brother-in-law, mr. exmo, and the beautiful man on the train are god's signs to me. i guess i'll keep my heart open and eyes peeled for more signs. and then there's my english friend, who is unwaveringly kind and caring towards me. he thinks i'm wonderful just the way i am, inside and out. maybe his treatment of me is also a sign from god. my english friend says and does little things that make me feel like things are going to be okay after all. he told me the other day that he's reading the first harry potter book in latin. i dunno. thinking about him reading harry potter in latin makes my soul smile. :) he also updates me on what kind of chocolate he's currently eating. he's a chocoholic. he's so utterly and completely true to himself and to others. i love it. anyway, i've just gotta have faith that my special one is coming soon. i'll try not to lose hope. i'll try to keep my heart wide open.