alex's birthday and a wet day for moritz

it's alex's birthday. he would be 29 years old. he was 9 months younger than me. he was conceived around the time i was born, in a sommarstuga in dalarna. i sent sms messages to his mother and brother. i didn't call them. i didn't have the emotional energy to talk to them. i feel very shitty that i am here alone, far away from alex's family. i literally COULDN'T go visit. i have no money for it. not even space on my credit card. nothing. for alex's birthday last year, i took my dad and sister out to eat a nice dinner at a swedish restaurant in manhattan called "aquavit". we toasted alex. this year, i am all alone, hungover and feeling like hell on alex's birthday. the third anniversary of his death is on the 10th, a sunday. i don't wanna be alone that day. maybe i will volunteer with the dog shelter and then have a special day with my dad. maybe we can go back to the brooklyn botanic garden. i think my dad said that the roses are blooming there now.

it's been raining, and the ground is wet and ripe for digging. i need to bury moritz. i will do it in the middle of the night tonight. moritz is the squirrel i tried to save last fall. i had found him in front of the tree in my front yard, wheezing and not running away when i came near. i rushed him to a rehabber in manhattan, but the rehabber couldn't save him. he died the next day. he's been in cold storage all winter and spring. it's time to lay him to rest under the tree where i found him, in the neighborhood he called home. by the way, i found yet ANOTHER dead baby bird laying in the middle of the sidewalk. i put it on the grass to the side. i also spotted a limping stray cat, but i could not get close enough to catch it. it ran-limped away. the spca probably wouldn' t be able to find the cat, so i didn't call them. i also found a rooster inside an electrical power station by the train station near my house, and i didn't know who to call besides the farm sanctuary, but they are located upstate. i dunno. seems like these animals are hell-bent on crossing paths with me when they're in need of help (and i often feel helpless to assist them). i'm very reluctant to call animal care and control for these issues, since animals sent to them usually end up euthanized. i dunno if the spca could have picked up the rooster. hopefully, another good samaritan helped save the rooster.

i was very sick from a hangover today. i went to a wild party last night, and ended up drinking cuba libres and spiked punch. i was as drunk as a dog. i also drank on friday night with the crazy ladies from the job i quit last august. i didn't get drunk, and i didn't even want to drink that night. i just didn't want to have to explain myself to them. i felt ashamed and embarrassed. but my health is more important than keeping face. i need to tell everyone that i am not going to be doing social things revolving around drinking anymore. i wanna see my friends, but i don't wanna drink. or, if i do go to a party, i wanna come prepared with some bottles of stewart's or boylan diet black cherry sodas. i fucking LOVE my sodas, guys. i need to be vocal and honest with others about my drinking problem. i need to take good care of myself. the good thing out of this is that none of the drinking i did this weekend was alone. i used to drink alone a lot. that's how i did most of my drinking: sitting alone outside on the stoop at night. no more drinking alone. no more social drinking. no more drinking. i love my sodas.

i love you, alex. i feel so empty, and i feel so far away from you emotionally. i hate feeling like this. i hope that i can have a conversation with you tonight. today is such a special day.