fat girl blues
i'm still not consistent with my meds. i'm still a nutter because of that inconsistency. my doctor prescribed me new meds and also left some samples for me. they're all waiting at his office. they've been waiting there for over a week. why didn't i go get them? because i worked my fucking ass off with no lunch breaks and until late hours, that's why.
i'm watching a chinese film called "quitting". the main character, playing himself, is very cute. i think the movie is quite good. i've also watched "ed wood" twice, as well as a few other films. i have a linkup to directv via the family upstairs, and i get all the movie channels. my lair is a fucking mess, and my body is a fucking mess. it's like, i dunno what to cook anymore, and i have been eating already-prepared shit this past week. i've had a lot of pizza this past week. no, not the vegan pizza. i've been having regular ol' cheesy pizza. i feel like i am a garbage receptacle, and i feel like i also live in a garbage receptacle. i've been overworked and undermedicated, and i'm a mess. i feel disgusting.
i dated a boy for a short time in december and january. he was the first boy i dated since alex died in june of 2004. it was a BIG fucking deal to date someone. i've nicknamed this guy "buddhist boy" for this blog. we got along very well during our little romance. the problem was that i was not physically attracted to him at all (i didn't tell him that, though), but i was hoping i would become physically attracted to him as we became closer. i met him on a dating site. he knew from my profile that i was a) brown and b) fat. it seemed not to matter to him, or at least, not matter enough for him to not pursue dating me. well, things were pretty intense between us in every way very quickly...our first date of a dinner out turned into a three-day affair in his apartment. we spent some intense times together after that, too. the last time i saw him, we'd gone on another dinner date and then went back to his apartment and watched hayao miyazaki films and spent the night together. the next morning was a workday, and he had to go to work (i didn't, because i was unemployed at the time). he left me in his bed. i slept in. later that morning, while still in his bed, i get an e-mail from him on my cell phone that tells me he needs to be just friends, and blah, blah, blah. yeah, he breaks things off BY E-MAIL, WHILE I AM STILL IN HIS FUCKING BED. That really felt like a slap in the face. He said he had invited me over the night before to test things to be able to decide for sure whether or not to call it off. It was just a really fucked up way for him to handle things. I wish he had just told me the evening before at dinner, to my face. I had a gut feeling deep down that we weren't gonna make it, but I certainly would not have handled it the way he did had I been the one to break it off. I never became physically attracted to him at all. I just wasn't. I found him slightly-to-somewhat unattractive. And, I am guessing that he found me to be unattractive as well, almost certainly because I am fat. He has a girlfriend now. I know this from his website. I think they started dating 4-6 weeks after he called shit off with me. She looks so much like him that when I first saw the pics of her on his site, I thought it was his sister. Then I remembered he doesn't have a sister. Then I saw a pic on there of her kissing him. She's a very plain-looking, stringy brown-haired, THIN WHITE GIRL, OF COURSE. OF FUCKING COURSE. before you get all huffy, let me tell you that i say OF COURSE to the kind of person he got with because people, for the most part, are SOOOO predictable in who they have as romantic partners. it's really fucking annoying. white goes with white, black goes with black, thin goes with thin, rich goes with rich, education level goes with education level, social clique goes with social clique, blah, blah, blah. it's soooo fucking predictable. i just want someone to share my values and beliefs and yes, it would really help if they've had some real struggle in their life so that we can understand each other and support each other better. buddhist boy and i shared a lot of the same values and beliefs. yes, he may have not understood from personal experience many of the kinds of struggles i've been through, but he was compassionate. he was a sensitive new-age boy. and he was a straight boy who was all about gay rights. what else could i want? but, i wasn't attracted to him physically, and he let me go in exchange for someone who looked JUST LIKE HIM. people are so dumb in blindly following whatever their culture tells them is desirable. i don't fucking fit into anyone's box in any way. my identity has always put me on the margins of society. on top of that, my beliefs are not the mainstream at all. on top of that, my physical body is of the type that is absolutely LOATHED by the majority of people in my country. for all these reasons, i have a very small chance of finding another partner in this lifetime. i've never met another person who's anything like alex. he was a very rare breed. so very many of his qualities were what i've always wanted, but hadn't otherwise found, in a boy (who wasn't gay). yeah, so i was dumped by buddhist boy for the kind of girl he was "supposed" to be with. it really makes me feel like fucking shit. i've been acting like it blew over me soon after it happened, but it didn't. he plagued my dreams all night friday night, and i've been consciously mulling over it ever since.
i feel so fucking ugly and FAT (in a bad way), and so undesirable, and like a loser. maybe i've watched too much tv lately, cuz i keep wondering if the magic key is losing weight and achieving the ideal female figure. heh, but you know, i never had a boyfriend when i was thin...boys didn't give me the time of day in either high school (when i was as thin as kate moss) and in college (when i could have been halle berry's twin). and, yes, i am a nice, smart, caring, funny, generous, open-minded, compassionate person who knows how to have a healthy relationship and how to communicate. but...i remain alone. maybe there is some boy out there who is a nice, smart, caring, funny, generous, open-minded, compassionate person who knows how to have a healthy relationship and who is communicative and emotionally available. maybe that boy has been overlooked like i have been. maybe we'll meet and fall in love. maybe he'll love me as this "venus of willendorf" that i am right now. you know, i was alex's first girlfriend! he had been looked over by girls all his life (i dunno why!), or maybe there were some who liked him but were too shy to say anything. he certainly was the most wonderful boy ever, and i don't understand how i could have been the first female to see that! but it happens!
anyway, i try to be one of the strong and tough and fierce fat girls, but really, i feel disgusting a lot of the time. i try not to care what ideals mainstream society puts on me, and i try to actively resist that cookie-cutter ideal...but at the end of the day, i always feel ugly and gross. i think i look like shit. and thinking i look like shit has an effect on everything. there are some people out there who might think i'm fine the way i am. alex thought i looked great as i was, but i never understood why. because, quite frankly, for all of the fat gurl power and confidence i try to stir up in myself, i look in the mirror at that fat body and i just know it doesn't look good. there are some fat women who look good. i am not one of them, not at this weight. so, even though i think that i should be accepted as i am by others, i don't accept myself and i want to shed some pounds. i think i've had it with hating the way i look, so it's time to change the way i look. i would feel much better about myself if i looked in the mirror and liked what i saw. if hating the way i look makes me a sucker to society's superficial and narrow beauty ideals, then label me a sucker. i'm going on a diet NOW. watch me look totally different 10 months from now. that's it! i'm on my way to thinner!
i'm watching a chinese film called "quitting". the main character, playing himself, is very cute. i think the movie is quite good. i've also watched "ed wood" twice, as well as a few other films. i have a linkup to directv via the family upstairs, and i get all the movie channels. my lair is a fucking mess, and my body is a fucking mess. it's like, i dunno what to cook anymore, and i have been eating already-prepared shit this past week. i've had a lot of pizza this past week. no, not the vegan pizza. i've been having regular ol' cheesy pizza. i feel like i am a garbage receptacle, and i feel like i also live in a garbage receptacle. i've been overworked and undermedicated, and i'm a mess. i feel disgusting.
i dated a boy for a short time in december and january. he was the first boy i dated since alex died in june of 2004. it was a BIG fucking deal to date someone. i've nicknamed this guy "buddhist boy" for this blog. we got along very well during our little romance. the problem was that i was not physically attracted to him at all (i didn't tell him that, though), but i was hoping i would become physically attracted to him as we became closer. i met him on a dating site. he knew from my profile that i was a) brown and b) fat. it seemed not to matter to him, or at least, not matter enough for him to not pursue dating me. well, things were pretty intense between us in every way very quickly...our first date of a dinner out turned into a three-day affair in his apartment. we spent some intense times together after that, too. the last time i saw him, we'd gone on another dinner date and then went back to his apartment and watched hayao miyazaki films and spent the night together. the next morning was a workday, and he had to go to work (i didn't, because i was unemployed at the time). he left me in his bed. i slept in. later that morning, while still in his bed, i get an e-mail from him on my cell phone that tells me he needs to be just friends, and blah, blah, blah. yeah, he breaks things off BY E-MAIL, WHILE I AM STILL IN HIS FUCKING BED. That really felt like a slap in the face. He said he had invited me over the night before to test things to be able to decide for sure whether or not to call it off. It was just a really fucked up way for him to handle things. I wish he had just told me the evening before at dinner, to my face. I had a gut feeling deep down that we weren't gonna make it, but I certainly would not have handled it the way he did had I been the one to break it off. I never became physically attracted to him at all. I just wasn't. I found him slightly-to-somewhat unattractive. And, I am guessing that he found me to be unattractive as well, almost certainly because I am fat. He has a girlfriend now. I know this from his website. I think they started dating 4-6 weeks after he called shit off with me. She looks so much like him that when I first saw the pics of her on his site, I thought it was his sister. Then I remembered he doesn't have a sister. Then I saw a pic on there of her kissing him. She's a very plain-looking, stringy brown-haired, THIN WHITE GIRL, OF COURSE. OF FUCKING COURSE. before you get all huffy, let me tell you that i say OF COURSE to the kind of person he got with because people, for the most part, are SOOOO predictable in who they have as romantic partners. it's really fucking annoying. white goes with white, black goes with black, thin goes with thin, rich goes with rich, education level goes with education level, social clique goes with social clique, blah, blah, blah. it's soooo fucking predictable. i just want someone to share my values and beliefs and yes, it would really help if they've had some real struggle in their life so that we can understand each other and support each other better. buddhist boy and i shared a lot of the same values and beliefs. yes, he may have not understood from personal experience many of the kinds of struggles i've been through, but he was compassionate. he was a sensitive new-age boy. and he was a straight boy who was all about gay rights. what else could i want? but, i wasn't attracted to him physically, and he let me go in exchange for someone who looked JUST LIKE HIM. people are so dumb in blindly following whatever their culture tells them is desirable. i don't fucking fit into anyone's box in any way. my identity has always put me on the margins of society. on top of that, my beliefs are not the mainstream at all. on top of that, my physical body is of the type that is absolutely LOATHED by the majority of people in my country. for all these reasons, i have a very small chance of finding another partner in this lifetime. i've never met another person who's anything like alex. he was a very rare breed. so very many of his qualities were what i've always wanted, but hadn't otherwise found, in a boy (who wasn't gay). yeah, so i was dumped by buddhist boy for the kind of girl he was "supposed" to be with. it really makes me feel like fucking shit. i've been acting like it blew over me soon after it happened, but it didn't. he plagued my dreams all night friday night, and i've been consciously mulling over it ever since.
i feel so fucking ugly and FAT (in a bad way), and so undesirable, and like a loser. maybe i've watched too much tv lately, cuz i keep wondering if the magic key is losing weight and achieving the ideal female figure. heh, but you know, i never had a boyfriend when i was thin...boys didn't give me the time of day in either high school (when i was as thin as kate moss) and in college (when i could have been halle berry's twin). and, yes, i am a nice, smart, caring, funny, generous, open-minded, compassionate person who knows how to have a healthy relationship and how to communicate. but...i remain alone. maybe there is some boy out there who is a nice, smart, caring, funny, generous, open-minded, compassionate person who knows how to have a healthy relationship and who is communicative and emotionally available. maybe that boy has been overlooked like i have been. maybe we'll meet and fall in love. maybe he'll love me as this "venus of willendorf" that i am right now. you know, i was alex's first girlfriend! he had been looked over by girls all his life (i dunno why!), or maybe there were some who liked him but were too shy to say anything. he certainly was the most wonderful boy ever, and i don't understand how i could have been the first female to see that! but it happens!
anyway, i try to be one of the strong and tough and fierce fat girls, but really, i feel disgusting a lot of the time. i try not to care what ideals mainstream society puts on me, and i try to actively resist that cookie-cutter ideal...but at the end of the day, i always feel ugly and gross. i think i look like shit. and thinking i look like shit has an effect on everything. there are some people out there who might think i'm fine the way i am. alex thought i looked great as i was, but i never understood why. because, quite frankly, for all of the fat gurl power and confidence i try to stir up in myself, i look in the mirror at that fat body and i just know it doesn't look good. there are some fat women who look good. i am not one of them, not at this weight. so, even though i think that i should be accepted as i am by others, i don't accept myself and i want to shed some pounds. i think i've had it with hating the way i look, so it's time to change the way i look. i would feel much better about myself if i looked in the mirror and liked what i saw. if hating the way i look makes me a sucker to society's superficial and narrow beauty ideals, then label me a sucker. i'm going on a diet NOW. watch me look totally different 10 months from now. that's it! i'm on my way to thinner!
posted by Blåbär Björn at 13:54
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