the bird nest

i'm now living in my new abode, which i've named "the bird nest" because i'm on the top floor of an apartment building and have roof access and there are pigeons who hang out outside of my window (i'll have to get some pigeon feed for them). the move took three trips over three days. i have to go back to the lair this weekend to clean it up now that all my stuff is out. it's weird not to live there. it's weird to have a roommate. it's weird to live way above ground. it's weird to live right next to tons of businesses and near a subway. it's weird to live around the belongings of someone i barely ever met (mr. j's roommate). it's weird to hear spanish everywhere instead of english spoken through caribbean mouths, like how it was in the neighborhood i just moved from. almost everyone speaks to me in spanish. if it's really something simple, i can understand and respond. if it's more complicated, i can only understand part of it and can't really respond. at least the spanish speakers here are from mexico or central america or south america, so i can understand their spanish much better than if i were in a caribbean-spanish neighborhood. i really wanna relearn spanish. i used to be very good at spanish, way back in high school and college. now, when i try to speak spanish, swedish comes out, or esveñol (swedish-spanish) comes out. ugh! so, for these two months, i wanna fish my spanish textbook out of my boxes and study it. i wanna try really hard to reply to the folks who address me in spanish. maybe i will try telling them IN SPANISH that i barely speak spanish anymore, and that sometimes, swedish comes out when i try to speak spanish. it's like i have two areas of my brain for language: a "mother tongue" area and a "foreign language" area. swedish and spanish mingle in the "foreign language" area. i want to reprogram my brain so that there are three areas: 1) mother tongue, 2) swedish and 3) spanish. maybe if i try to talk to people IN SPANISH about sweden and swedish, it will help. of course, talking about sweden and swedish makes me wanna speak swedish, so if i can talk about swedish stuff in SPANISH, maybe that will help me create two foreign language areas in my brain. also, maybe i can write to my family in sweden IN SWEDISH about spanish and my latin-american neighborhood. yeah, i think that'll help! :)

i am on the rag, i have cramps, i haven't eaten all day, this apartment needs a good clean-up, and i feel overwhelmed by moving. i am just gonna try for a studio apartment in northern manhattan for the fall. fuck trying to match with and room with a stranger! oh, and the lawyer i work for asked me to stay on for another week, and i said "YES", of course!!! after that's over, i'll only have 6 weeks until school starts. yay! well, i pray that i will get a nice little cozy studio apartment for september. right now, i am gonna go up on the roof and chill. moving in here has reminded me of how neurotic i am about other people's messes and filth. i need to live alone in the fall. i am gonna have great fun with mr. j., but if i were to stay here for longer than two months, my monster side would show sooner or later. :( the dust bunnies on the floor, the hair, the mold, the detritus that isn't mine: IT BUGS ME!!! i want my very own apartment that is totally clean of anyone else's mess or belongings when i move in!!! i want my OWN furniture, my OWN everything! i am so sick of living in others' places. i haven't had my truly very OWN space since i lived in vancouver five years ago. :( i want a studio apartment where all is MINE, MINE, MINE!!! and then if i get a boyfriend, and we move in together, i will love him so damn much that it'll be cool to live together, and i won't go neurotic over his little messes. and he'll be clean and neat. please, god. :)

i bought two candles: one is of saint alex (who i didn't know existed until i saw the candle). saint alex watches over peoples' homes and tries to keep negativity out of home environments. he also tries to keep others negative thoughts of one from harming one. the other candle i got is of saint martin de porres. this is my second st. martin candle. i had one that i had brought to sweden with me, because st. martin de porres is a caretaker of the sick. st. martin de porres also looks after animals. st. francis ain't the only animal-lovin' saint!!! :) st. martin de porres is a special saint to me because he cares for what i really care about (the sick, the poor, the needy, animals), and because he's my dad's special saint. my dad went to a catholic school and attended a church named for saint martin de porres. the image of jesus on the cross in the church was of a BLACK jesus. both WHITE AND BLACK people worshipped this black jesus at the saint martin de porres church. the girl whose room i'm subletting is heavily into the virgin of guadalupe. she has an altar to the virgin and many images of her on the walls. some of the images are of the virgin as a dark-skinned woman. it reminds me of the black madonna i painted in the church in cali years ago. this girl is actually from the city i painted the mural in. i wonder if she's ever heard of that mural? hmmm....

well, i am gonna go up on the roof now. have a beer and a smoke. yeah. fuck it. see ya later.