i've come a long way

i started on the new diet drug today. i think i already messed up due to misreading a food label on something i had for lunch. the fucking thing was an organic microwave dinner. i wrongly assumed that the one dinner was one serving (it looked like one serving!). so i looked at the fat grams on the label, taking them at face value because i thought they were the total amount of fat for the meal. later, i rechecked the label and discovered that they had this tv dinner as being TWO servings, even though it was a meal-for-one. argh! so i am now waiting for my butt to explode. so far, nothing, but i feel like gas is brewing. i am afraid that the gas will be oily like is said to be one of the side-effects of eating a high-fat meal with the drug. fuck. i put a fucking maxi pad on.

anyway, my dad is coming over. we're going back to the old lair to "syssla" (a swedish verb i love, meaning to mess with or nitpick over things, such as what a good virgo does when given cleaning implements). i am gonna do my laundry over there. i am planning on buying an electric-less hand-cranked washer. it can do a small load without electricity, and the money i save on loads at the laundromat will soon make up for the cost (and the washer doesn't cost much). i will try to use it as much as possible to avoid having to go to the laundromat, though i will have to go there for larger items and stained stuff. sitting for three hours in a hot, not-so-spotless laundromat on a hot day, bored out of my mind, surrounded by the strong stench of chemical-filled detergents, using up dollars and dollars-worth of quarters, is not my idea of fun. i just realized i haven't had to regularly do the laundromat thing since i was a senior in college, over 8 years ago. every apartment building i've lived in since then has had laundry facilities on the premises. i will buy the hand-cranked washer from this company based in amish country. i will also buy some ecological fabric softener so that my clothes won't be stiff when i air-dry them. lots and lots of swedes and norwegians do their laundry this way. probably lots of other europeans do, too. hell, it's probably only yanks and canucks who are so hell-bent on always using washing machines or dryers. global warming, people!

so i quarantined myself to the nest today for fear of having diet drug "side-effects" in public. i just spent a couple of hours rereading my ENTIRE blog, which i created last october. god, i was having it very, very rough last fall, winter, and early spring. i realize how far i've come since then. my last post was a kvell-fest about my wonderful current boss, as contrasted to those very dark, deeply sorrowful and hopeless posts i was writing less than a year ago. i got through that hell, with the help of good friends: some human, some animal, and some spirit. i am on a positive path. i can see myself clearly on that path of increasing light and joy. i am out of the dark woods. i'm in more open spaces now. i can breathe freer. i don't feel hopeless. i may have setbacks, but they are not permanent and soul-crushing. i can see that in my darkest hours, i felt like god was punishing me by taking alex away and for giving me abusive bosses and coworkers and bad temp gigs and bad financial states, etc. but now i don't believe that, really. god didn't punish me. god didn't punish my friend by giving her four losses in too short a time. fucking horrible shit happens and we don't deserve it. we deserve the good things, and god wants the good things. maybe god cries along with us when the bad things happen. i would like to think that my god wept with me as i knelt next to alex's body the morning he died. i would like to think that my god cried with my friend as the realization of her son's death arrived. i would like to believe that my god wants the beautiful and good to win over, and that my god wants us all to win over the horrible things in our lives and in the world by countering them with goodness. i have to believe in goodness. i have to believe that goodness and beauty and love win over and are supreme in the end. i live every waking moment with this belief pulling me forward. without telling myself this over and over, i could not have gotten through the horrors that i and those close to me have endured. i want to help make this world better in any tiny way i can. people can make HUGE impacts on one another, in the SMALLEST ways: a smile, a hello, a holding a door open, a pat on the back, a "thank you". there is shit in this world we can't control. what we can control, we must be committed to making positive. sometimes, when we are most desperate is when we must be most committed to bringing forth goodness into the world, for this is when it can help us and others the most.

now i need to kvetch some more because i'm so good at it. i need to get the following off my chest: roaches in the kitchen and bathroom. filthy kitchen. dust bunnies on floor. just dirty, funkiness in apartment in every way. i am glad there are now less than two months left. i sound ungrateful. i am not. i am very grateful for A LOT about this situation. but, i must kvetch. it's in my nature: i am a virgo. it's just the mess i cannot stand. i'm getting around it, though. the hardest part is the kitchen. i can't cook in a kitchen like that, and i refuse to clean up such a long-living mess that is completely not mine. it's not because i'm lazy. it's because i am disgusted. yeah, and i cannot cook where i know roaches are. i will be microwave-dinnering it for the next 7 weeks. i just have to be careful to make sure of the fat content of these dinners before i buy them.

now, i will kvell more: my roommate is a great guy and a great friend. he's a fierce, political, justice-loving, kind man. i have known him for a decade. he's a mensch. he's just lousy at being a virgo in terms of cleanliness. he's a stereotypical boy in his home habits. anyway, i love the sunrise coming right in my window, completely visible to me. and at night, the moon is outside my window. i love the virgen de guadalupe altar and wall adornments. the room is nice! i love the window right next to the shower in the bathroom. i can look out the bathroom window and see the street and people below as i cleanse. the roof access is awesome. a block to the train! lots of shops nearby! lively neighborhood with lots of families. lots of mexican immigrants who remind me of home. i can planespot because i'm not too far from laguardia airport. i watch planes taking off one after another. i can feed pigeons on the windowsill. i can have peace and safety. i can sleep in a nice bed that's big enough for me and the animals, and for the firefighter. :) i have a place to live until september. i am respected and loved and welcomed here. i am helping my friend and his roommate out because they desperately needed someone to sublet so that they wouldn't have to pay the rent while she was gone. so, i will deal with the dirtiness that makes me go neurotic, because the rest of it is great! i just have to kvetch about the mess sometimes, okay? :)