monday night

one of the things that keeps me company when i come home at night is to write on my blog. i have pretty much stopped writing in my physical journal. i have kept journals since i was 12 or 13 years old. pretty much 95% of the content of my teenage journals was about andy. i kept impeccable records of when i saw him, when i talked to him, what he said, what he did, what i said, what i did, what we did together, etc. lol. it's sad that my physical journal is now being neglected. i dunno. maybe this blogging thing is just a phase i'm going through.

with help from my dad, the worst of the cleaning of the old lair is done. the biggest thing left to do is mop the floor, which should be easier now since we swept and vacuumed the hell out of it on saturday night. i feel guilty kvetching about uncleanliness in my new abode when it's so awesome to get to be here, and everything but the cleanliness is great. maybe an underlying reason for the kvetching about my roommate's home habits is that i am really worried about him. he's unemployed but always out messing around and goofing off with friends, or doing political work. he rarely puts himself in a position where he's alone to spend time with himself. i've barely seen him since i moved in. he'll be gone nights at a time, and i dunno where. he doesn't have a boyfriend. he's never had a boyfriend. he sleeps around and does things that make me cringe inside. he has "health problems" (exactly what problems, i don't know) and he does not take care of himself well. he's so busy socializing or taking care of other people. quite frankly, i have wondered several times about the fact that he may have a serious illness. he's lost a lot of weight, he hacks like an old chainsmoker, he brought out a huge bag of pills one day and popped a bunch. well, i have this sinking feeling about his health. i am very worried that he might actually be hiv+. i pray so very, very much that he isn't, but i am scared that he is. if he is, i wish he could feel like he could tell me he is. i'm his friend whom he's known for a decade. i care a lot about him and i want the best for him and i worry about him. i might have to have an intervention with him. i don't think i can really sit here for two months and watch him keep living this crazy, whirlwind lifestyle. i sense a deep well of sadness within him that he can't face, hence the focusing all his time on others. it will break my fucking heart if this man has hiv or any sort of serious health issue. i think he knows how insightful i am, and i think he might sense that i can see through his facade. he's barely spent time with me since i moved in. i feel a bit like he's avoiding me, because he knows i'm one of those friends who is there to face the hard stuff with. i'm a true friend. i wanna ask him on a "dinner date" when we'll go out for a nice dinner and talk and spend time together. i am also gonna ask him on a "kitchen-cleaning date" where we clean up the mess together and bomb the shit out of the place with roach fogger. i want to try to help him slow down and breathe and take more time for himself. he really needs it. sometimes, people get in situations where it's too painful to face themselves. i feel like he's let himself go too deep into such a situation for too long. i just pray that he will find himself out of that situation, and maybe my support can help him a bit on that road. and please god, let this man NOT have hiv.

my reactions to the diet drug are fine. as part of the drug's normal effects, one's body passes out a portion of the fat one consumes, but to me, the passing of the fat is a part of my normal gastrointestinal routine. i'm not running for the bathroom or anything. i dunno why some people out there are acting like the drug makes a huge volcano erupt out of their ass. it made me afraid that that would happen to me, but i have nothing to worry about.

i'm gonna go for now. mr. j just came home.