fredag, den tjugonde juli
i'm sitting here at my desk on my last day of work at my temp job. it really is my last day this time. they don't have the budget to keep me on, and plus, i don't do much work anyway (my boss doesn't have much work for me). i am really sad about leaving. i really like it here, and so many of the people here are so kind! i am sadder about leaving here than about leaving the music venue. my boss the lawyer isn't here this morning because she is at a funeral upstate. she may or may not be able to make it in today. :(
yesterday, a bunch of things built up and i lost my shit (not literally, though, as i'm not taking that pill anymore). i was crying a bit in my boss's office and my friend/colleague who lives in the nice apartment building in the bronx was comforting me. she is very kind and compassionate. she's also been through struggles with alcohol and smoking. she is totally alcohol and smoke free now. :) when she's stressed, she does sudoku, listens to music, pets her cat, reads good books, etc. i think having a cat will help my mental health TREMENDOUSLY.
i want to read some more haruki murakami books, but my funds are low and i can't afford to buy them. :/ i am actually quite scared about how i am gonna pay first month's rent and deposit on an apartment. i don't have to move until september, but what if i get this funky-fresh studio in the bronx lined up SOON? will they expect me to pay the damn deposit AND rent when i line it up, or will they accept just the deposit and wait for the rent until i actually move in? the apartment would be $700 - $750 per month in rent. i am gonna go see it on monday morning. actually there are two opening up. one is available now and the other needs work done (hopefully they'd have the work done by september 1st). when i'm done seeing the apartments, i am gonna pound pavement in the neighborhood for other leads.
two days ago, after work, i was in the duane reade at 42nd and lexington avenue buying myself a brita water filter. according to my receipt, i checked out at 5:56 p.m. after the purchase, i went outside onto 42nd street and saw a bus stop. i needed to go to 42nd between madison and 5th. normally, i would hoof it. that day, though, i decided to bus it. the bus came and took me down to where i needed to go: a camera store. while i was in the store, the lights flickered and the power dimmed. then the proprietor noticed through the store window that there were people running west on the sidewalk and street outside. so she went out and saw the huge plumes of what looked like smoke that looked like it was engulfing a skyscraper on the south side of 42nd. it fucking looked like 9/11. people thought there was a terrorist attack targeting grand central station. that's what i believed, too. i joined the throngs of folks hightailing it west to get far away from the scene. many of us were freaked out. some were crying. but, other people were standing or actually walking TOWARD the damn thing taking pictures and video on their cell phones. some had looks of excitement and glee on their faces. it made me sick. anyway, i hauled ass all the way to 8th avenue and got on the queens-bound e train. i wanted out of the borough asap! i had been literally a block from the actual explosion 4-5 minutes before it happened. i feel horrible that someone died and others were injured because of it. i guess that was a part of the reason for my mental breakdown yesterday afternoon.
i just have a lot of stress right now. i am almost broke. i don't know where the next paycheck is coming from. i don't know where i'm gonna live in 5 weeks. i'm scared about starting grad school. the diet pills threw my body off balance. i feel fat and ugly. i'm lonely. the firefighter is nowhere to be found and i feel rejected and disrespected by him (no more chances for him!). last night, i had a dream in which i was friends with this guy (a guy who doesn't exist in reality). he was such a sweet, sweet soul! he was a truly wonderful human being. he liked me in that special way, and i liked him in that special way. we were taking it slowly, though. we were still just friends at the end of the dream, but i knew that the love growing between us was leading us into a romantic partnership. he also had some sort of physical handicap. i can't remember what it was exactly. something with his walking, i think. it scared me and repulsed me somewhat. i think i had that reaction because of alex's handicap being a precursor to his death. :( i didn't want this guy to die on me. now that i am thinking of it more, i think he might have had a partial amputation of one of his legs. alex didn't have an amputation, but half of his skull had been taken out due to the stroke. alex was mostly paralyzed on one side. anyway, this man was so wonderful. he also had a dog. i would hang out with him and the dog on summer nights watching outdoor movies. :) it was so nice. well, i hope such a wonderful guy is in my future. i hope he doesn't have some kind of traumatic, body-altering surgery in his past, though. i think that might trigger me too much. yes, god. i pray that you send me someone who is healthy and intact and won't get really sick or die on me. i just don't need that again, ya know?
tonight, i'm gonna be a bouncer at a ball. i have never been to a true ball (the drag balls my college had don't count in my book), but i have wanted to go to one ever since i saw the film "paris is burning" back in high school. i'll get to be at a true ball tonight, and i'll get to help keep the riffraff out! yay! afterwards, my friends and i are going up to harlem for some korean food. i can't wait to have some more of my kimchi and bi bim bop!!! :D tomorrow, i'm with the animal shelter's mobile adoption event in manhattan. afterwards, i'm going to my friends coming-home party. it's the friend from whom i've subletted that lair for almost two years. she moved back home a few days ago. i have a busy social schedule for the next few days. oh, and my roommate mr. j is going away for three weeks on saturday. he got a summer camp job. i'll basically be living alone for all that time. i'll pay him my rent when he comes back on august 12th, which i'm thankful about, since i don't see how i will have enough money to pay the rent on august 1st. yup. flat-ass broke days are here again. :( i pray that my ebay sales improve. they have been sooooo sluggish for weeks now! i want folks to buy my ebay wares!!!
goodbye for now.
yesterday, a bunch of things built up and i lost my shit (not literally, though, as i'm not taking that pill anymore). i was crying a bit in my boss's office and my friend/colleague who lives in the nice apartment building in the bronx was comforting me. she is very kind and compassionate. she's also been through struggles with alcohol and smoking. she is totally alcohol and smoke free now. :) when she's stressed, she does sudoku, listens to music, pets her cat, reads good books, etc. i think having a cat will help my mental health TREMENDOUSLY.
i want to read some more haruki murakami books, but my funds are low and i can't afford to buy them. :/ i am actually quite scared about how i am gonna pay first month's rent and deposit on an apartment. i don't have to move until september, but what if i get this funky-fresh studio in the bronx lined up SOON? will they expect me to pay the damn deposit AND rent when i line it up, or will they accept just the deposit and wait for the rent until i actually move in? the apartment would be $700 - $750 per month in rent. i am gonna go see it on monday morning. actually there are two opening up. one is available now and the other needs work done (hopefully they'd have the work done by september 1st). when i'm done seeing the apartments, i am gonna pound pavement in the neighborhood for other leads.
two days ago, after work, i was in the duane reade at 42nd and lexington avenue buying myself a brita water filter. according to my receipt, i checked out at 5:56 p.m. after the purchase, i went outside onto 42nd street and saw a bus stop. i needed to go to 42nd between madison and 5th. normally, i would hoof it. that day, though, i decided to bus it. the bus came and took me down to where i needed to go: a camera store. while i was in the store, the lights flickered and the power dimmed. then the proprietor noticed through the store window that there were people running west on the sidewalk and street outside. so she went out and saw the huge plumes of what looked like smoke that looked like it was engulfing a skyscraper on the south side of 42nd. it fucking looked like 9/11. people thought there was a terrorist attack targeting grand central station. that's what i believed, too. i joined the throngs of folks hightailing it west to get far away from the scene. many of us were freaked out. some were crying. but, other people were standing or actually walking TOWARD the damn thing taking pictures and video on their cell phones. some had looks of excitement and glee on their faces. it made me sick. anyway, i hauled ass all the way to 8th avenue and got on the queens-bound e train. i wanted out of the borough asap! i had been literally a block from the actual explosion 4-5 minutes before it happened. i feel horrible that someone died and others were injured because of it. i guess that was a part of the reason for my mental breakdown yesterday afternoon.
i just have a lot of stress right now. i am almost broke. i don't know where the next paycheck is coming from. i don't know where i'm gonna live in 5 weeks. i'm scared about starting grad school. the diet pills threw my body off balance. i feel fat and ugly. i'm lonely. the firefighter is nowhere to be found and i feel rejected and disrespected by him (no more chances for him!). last night, i had a dream in which i was friends with this guy (a guy who doesn't exist in reality). he was such a sweet, sweet soul! he was a truly wonderful human being. he liked me in that special way, and i liked him in that special way. we were taking it slowly, though. we were still just friends at the end of the dream, but i knew that the love growing between us was leading us into a romantic partnership. he also had some sort of physical handicap. i can't remember what it was exactly. something with his walking, i think. it scared me and repulsed me somewhat. i think i had that reaction because of alex's handicap being a precursor to his death. :( i didn't want this guy to die on me. now that i am thinking of it more, i think he might have had a partial amputation of one of his legs. alex didn't have an amputation, but half of his skull had been taken out due to the stroke. alex was mostly paralyzed on one side. anyway, this man was so wonderful. he also had a dog. i would hang out with him and the dog on summer nights watching outdoor movies. :) it was so nice. well, i hope such a wonderful guy is in my future. i hope he doesn't have some kind of traumatic, body-altering surgery in his past, though. i think that might trigger me too much. yes, god. i pray that you send me someone who is healthy and intact and won't get really sick or die on me. i just don't need that again, ya know?
tonight, i'm gonna be a bouncer at a ball. i have never been to a true ball (the drag balls my college had don't count in my book), but i have wanted to go to one ever since i saw the film "paris is burning" back in high school. i'll get to be at a true ball tonight, and i'll get to help keep the riffraff out! yay! afterwards, my friends and i are going up to harlem for some korean food. i can't wait to have some more of my kimchi and bi bim bop!!! :D tomorrow, i'm with the animal shelter's mobile adoption event in manhattan. afterwards, i'm going to my friends coming-home party. it's the friend from whom i've subletted that lair for almost two years. she moved back home a few days ago. i have a busy social schedule for the next few days. oh, and my roommate mr. j is going away for three weeks on saturday. he got a summer camp job. i'll basically be living alone for all that time. i'll pay him my rent when he comes back on august 12th, which i'm thankful about, since i don't see how i will have enough money to pay the rent on august 1st. yup. flat-ass broke days are here again. :( i pray that my ebay sales improve. they have been sooooo sluggish for weeks now! i want folks to buy my ebay wares!!!
goodbye for now.
posted by Blåbär Björn at 09:57
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