tisdag

i'm still on the new diet drug. i decided after a mishap this morning that i am not continuing on these pills. i have recently had a couple of morning mishaps which luckily were "contained". this morning's mishap was not contained. my bedsheet is now soaking in a bowl, having been drenched with spray n' wash and scrubbed under steaming hot water. at least i can try out my new hand-cranked clothes washing contraption on the sheet. i've had a good life of not having to worry about uncontrollable butt products. why voluntarily make myself incontinent? the first week on the pill bore no accidents. maybe because the medicine has been building up in my system, it's affecting me more now? i don't need this pill to lose weight. i thought it would help, and i'm sure it has helped me absorb fewer calories, but it doesn't help my digestive tract. plus, it makes me neurotic to count calories and fat grams. i also don't think that counting these things is the most important thing. i think that just eating as healthfully as possible, and staying AWAY from the alcohol, is important.

i can't wait to have a kitchen i can cook in again. the kitchen i have now is just waaaaay too nasty. it's like, that old, caked-on nasty that occurs when a kitchen is not adequately cleaned for YEARS. i'm just living off of my breakfast cereal and amy's tv dinners and what have you. the good thing is that mr. j, though not a vegetarian, sure as hell eats like he is one. i don't have to deal with meat in the kitchen at all. he is also as adamant about recycling as i am. well, speaking of a kitchen i can cook in, my colleague/new friend is gonna set me up with her super to look at a studio apartment in her building next week.

in my new apartment, wherever and whatever it will be, i want to have a cat. i have been doing research on having a cat. i want a cat perch, a scratching post, fun and safe toys, nice shallow food and water bowls, a hooded litter box, pine litter, catnip and all-natural, high quality food. my cat would not be a vegetarian. cats are true carnivores. dogs are not. dogs are omnivorous. when i have a dog, the dog will be a vegetarian. dogs can totally be okay as vegetarians. in my opinion, true carnivores such as cats cannot fully be okay as vegetarians. i would make a compromise regarding my cat's diet: my cat would have organic, highly-nutritious, vegetarian dry cat food and my cat would also eat fish that i cook. i would buy wild fish from species that are not overfished and not full of mercury. this would still make me feel bad that i am contributing to the deaths of other animals to feed my cat, but what else can i do? *sigh*

my temp assignment really is supposed to end this friday. after that, i have five weeks until school orientation begins. those five weeks are gonna fly, and hopefully they'll be filled up with more temp work. i feel scared about school starting. i wish the five weeks wouldn't fly. i don't wanna spend those five weeks obsessing over trying to find a place to live. it would be wonderful if i could snag this apartment in my friend/colleague's building in the bronx and then i could focus my free time on taking care of myself and mentally and emotionally preparing for school. that'd be nice!

i still haven't hooked up with the firefighter again. we've been e-mailing back and forth, back and forth, trying to find a time we'll both be free. now he hasn't e-mailed me in a few days. frankly i am sick of dealing with him, and i am sick of physical intimacy with absolutely NO emotional intimacy. :( i want to date someone who wants to get to know me beyond my body, who cares about me, who wants to go on real dates and do things other than sex with me, who wouldn't mind waiting a while before we got intimate. he doesn't have to be the next love of my life and the father of my future children. i'd just like a nice, sweet, wonderful, handsome guy to have in my life. someone who appreciates me for who i am and is kind to me, like the people i work with treat me. a really great guy i can date. i'd like that!