tisdag den tjugofjärde juli
hej. idag var det bra.
i had a relaxing day. i woke up when i wanted to. my new friend from the shelter was babysitting a little girl in the neighborhood and i met her as she pushed the little girl around in the stroller. we went to a bagel shop and i had a toasted everything bagel with scallion cream cheese. we walked around more and she then had to take the girl home. i went to the post office to mail out shit. yesterday was a GREAT fucking day on ebay for me!!! my sister got a bunch of great box sets that i dumped on there last night. i pray that they sell like hotcakes so that i can get money rolling in to make up for the fact that i don't have a temp assignment at the mo'. i am trying not to freak out.
...i am also trying not to be self-loathing about being fat anymore. i want to just fucking accept the way i am. my friend let me borrow her school's copy of fat!so? and i feel like the book has helped me flush out some of the toxins that seep into me from living in a society that hates fat people. i'm fat, dammit. i don't want to give a shit about it anymore. i want to focus all on my HEALTH. i want to continue eating HEALTHY vegetarian food and continue walking my ass off all over creation. i also wanna start lifting weights. i wanna get really big muscles in my arms. i know my legs are strong from hoofing it around and running up subway stairs so much. it wouldn't hurt for them to be even stronger. i remember how, when i was in high school and college, my legs were so damn strong that when i used the nautilus machine that works on the sartorius muscles, i would slam the damn thing all the way down and the big macho boys working out around me would stare with their mouths open. :D i will have access to the university gym and can work on slamming shit down with my sartorius muscles and also work on my pecs. i wanna get weights to use at home for my arms. fuck being thin. fuck even trying to lose weight. take me as i am, muthafuckas. if you don't like the way i look, point your fucking heads the other way, you ignorami. clear the way, this bitch is on the move, and she's moving FAST!!! i dunno. maybe there is a dating site for fat folks on which i can meet a cute, sweet, handsome boy who will think i'm gorgeous just the way i am and will accept that i'll think he's gorgeous just the way he is!!! i'm so sick of the self-loathing. the more confident i am about the way i naturally am, the more that will shine through me and can help attract a wonderful, sweet, handsome boy (fat or not) who will think i'm a hot cookie AS-IS!!! i wouldn't be happy being close to someone romantically as a self-loathing, diet pill-popping, rectally incontinent, calorie and fat-obsessed harpy. i am not happy as that self-loathing person no matter what. "take me as i am", as mary j. blige sings.
my sister's downstairs neighbor is moving out at the end of august. his is a studio apartment like hers is, but i think his is a bit bigger. he has his own little patio area in front of his door, with steps coming up to the communal patio area that he and my sister share. she told my dad that she could try to talk the landlord into renting to me for not so much money, since she's been his tenant for 6-7 years, and i am her sister. if i lived in the apartment, i could have a cat, i could have a garden on the patio, the building has laundry on the premises, it's quiet, there's a police station on the same block, the subway is at the end of the block, a grocery store a block away has lots of vegetarian food and fresh produce, i would get to stay in my beloved borough of queens but would have a quick commute uptown (the neighborhood is on the far western edge of queens near the east river), i would be closer to my dad and all of my friends who don't live in queens or live in western queens, etc. i am seriously considering asking for the apartment. if my sister and i reconcile (which we are in the slow process of doing), i might even be able to have a dog because the whole yard is fenced in with a high fence and my sister works from home. i dunno yet about the dog, but i could DEFINITELY have a cat in there. on the patio, i could have a potted garden, do composting, do manual laundry and hang clothes to dry, and eat dinner under the glow of hte moon and the warm light of my little japanese paper lanterns. this would be an extremely fortunate situation to be in as a new york city resident. oh, and the next-door neighbor has her own patio where there is a full blown garden with all sorts of plants and trees. the cats can stay in my patio or go visit next door through the fence. what a nice life for a cat! i wouldn't have to keep my cat cooped up indoors! :) well, we'll see if this works out. if i could set this up, a HUGE source of stress would be lifted, and i could focus on preparing for school!!!
i am gonna go eat some dinner now. i got a vegan "chicken" salad sandwich on the way home from the post office. tomorrow, i am gonna go help socialize the cats at the shelter. there are over 200 of them and they live in these big catteries (rooms full of perches and beds and windows). i know that my future special cat friend is among the shelter cats. i just have to find out which one she is and then i can adopt her as soon as i get my own pad! :) i am also continuing on my journey of trying to make this apartment clean and inviting. i bought some frankincense, aromatherapy candles, and more cleaning products today. as i finish each room i clean, i will burn the incense and candles and i will turn this place into a home instead of a dirty crash pad. mr. j won't recognize it when he gets back. when i move out, i'll leave behind a much cleaner, cozier, nicer place, and i'll also leave behind good energy. shit, i should become a consultant for people with cleanliness and living space issues. :)
i had a relaxing day. i woke up when i wanted to. my new friend from the shelter was babysitting a little girl in the neighborhood and i met her as she pushed the little girl around in the stroller. we went to a bagel shop and i had a toasted everything bagel with scallion cream cheese. we walked around more and she then had to take the girl home. i went to the post office to mail out shit. yesterday was a GREAT fucking day on ebay for me!!! my sister got a bunch of great box sets that i dumped on there last night. i pray that they sell like hotcakes so that i can get money rolling in to make up for the fact that i don't have a temp assignment at the mo'. i am trying not to freak out.
...i am also trying not to be self-loathing about being fat anymore. i want to just fucking accept the way i am. my friend let me borrow her school's copy of fat!so? and i feel like the book has helped me flush out some of the toxins that seep into me from living in a society that hates fat people. i'm fat, dammit. i don't want to give a shit about it anymore. i want to focus all on my HEALTH. i want to continue eating HEALTHY vegetarian food and continue walking my ass off all over creation. i also wanna start lifting weights. i wanna get really big muscles in my arms. i know my legs are strong from hoofing it around and running up subway stairs so much. it wouldn't hurt for them to be even stronger. i remember how, when i was in high school and college, my legs were so damn strong that when i used the nautilus machine that works on the sartorius muscles, i would slam the damn thing all the way down and the big macho boys working out around me would stare with their mouths open. :D i will have access to the university gym and can work on slamming shit down with my sartorius muscles and also work on my pecs. i wanna get weights to use at home for my arms. fuck being thin. fuck even trying to lose weight. take me as i am, muthafuckas. if you don't like the way i look, point your fucking heads the other way, you ignorami. clear the way, this bitch is on the move, and she's moving FAST!!! i dunno. maybe there is a dating site for fat folks on which i can meet a cute, sweet, handsome boy who will think i'm gorgeous just the way i am and will accept that i'll think he's gorgeous just the way he is!!! i'm so sick of the self-loathing. the more confident i am about the way i naturally am, the more that will shine through me and can help attract a wonderful, sweet, handsome boy (fat or not) who will think i'm a hot cookie AS-IS!!! i wouldn't be happy being close to someone romantically as a self-loathing, diet pill-popping, rectally incontinent, calorie and fat-obsessed harpy. i am not happy as that self-loathing person no matter what. "take me as i am", as mary j. blige sings.
my sister's downstairs neighbor is moving out at the end of august. his is a studio apartment like hers is, but i think his is a bit bigger. he has his own little patio area in front of his door, with steps coming up to the communal patio area that he and my sister share. she told my dad that she could try to talk the landlord into renting to me for not so much money, since she's been his tenant for 6-7 years, and i am her sister. if i lived in the apartment, i could have a cat, i could have a garden on the patio, the building has laundry on the premises, it's quiet, there's a police station on the same block, the subway is at the end of the block, a grocery store a block away has lots of vegetarian food and fresh produce, i would get to stay in my beloved borough of queens but would have a quick commute uptown (the neighborhood is on the far western edge of queens near the east river), i would be closer to my dad and all of my friends who don't live in queens or live in western queens, etc. i am seriously considering asking for the apartment. if my sister and i reconcile (which we are in the slow process of doing), i might even be able to have a dog because the whole yard is fenced in with a high fence and my sister works from home. i dunno yet about the dog, but i could DEFINITELY have a cat in there. on the patio, i could have a potted garden, do composting, do manual laundry and hang clothes to dry, and eat dinner under the glow of hte moon and the warm light of my little japanese paper lanterns. this would be an extremely fortunate situation to be in as a new york city resident. oh, and the next-door neighbor has her own patio where there is a full blown garden with all sorts of plants and trees. the cats can stay in my patio or go visit next door through the fence. what a nice life for a cat! i wouldn't have to keep my cat cooped up indoors! :) well, we'll see if this works out. if i could set this up, a HUGE source of stress would be lifted, and i could focus on preparing for school!!!
i am gonna go eat some dinner now. i got a vegan "chicken" salad sandwich on the way home from the post office. tomorrow, i am gonna go help socialize the cats at the shelter. there are over 200 of them and they live in these big catteries (rooms full of perches and beds and windows). i know that my future special cat friend is among the shelter cats. i just have to find out which one she is and then i can adopt her as soon as i get my own pad! :) i am also continuing on my journey of trying to make this apartment clean and inviting. i bought some frankincense, aromatherapy candles, and more cleaning products today. as i finish each room i clean, i will burn the incense and candles and i will turn this place into a home instead of a dirty crash pad. mr. j won't recognize it when he gets back. when i move out, i'll leave behind a much cleaner, cozier, nicer place, and i'll also leave behind good energy. shit, i should become a consultant for people with cleanliness and living space issues. :)
posted by Blåbär Björn at 18:41
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