fredag den tjugofemte januari

so, i think that "in rainbows" is the first radiohead album since "ok computer" that i love as a whole work. i think that's part of why i am so fucking giddy about it and can't stop listening to it or talking about it. "kid a" was good. i'm sure i would like it more if it were not emotionally tied to my breakup with my first real boyfriend (a breakup that knocked my foundations into powder and forced me to painfully and slowly build another one up). the album came out during our prolonged breakup period. i remember it must have been released in the fall or winter or something, because the seattle days were endlessly dark. not the deep dark indigo of a clear, crisp scandinavian winter day, but a fuzzy, disconcerting, squelching dark partly created by those depressing, heavy, low-lying puget sound clouds that never seemed to move from overhead. i went to the music store and got "kid a" and was surprised at how different it was from their earlier work, and i liked a few of the songs and couldn't stand some of the others, and now even the songs i like can't easily be listened to because of the strong emotions they conjure up in me. there is a lot of other music that is painful to listen to because it also comprises the "soundtrack" of my relationship to my first boyfriend: elliott smith, cat power, pete krebs, pavement... it's all hard to listen to. it's physically painful to listen to. i don't feel pain over that actual relationship anymore, except for when i hear its musical "soundtrack". i hear that music and it's like the entire carousel of pain and abuse and tears starts up and whisks me around again. before i emigrated to sweden, i sold "kid a" to a used music store. i feel blasphemous saying that.

when "amnesiac" came out, i liked more of the songs on the album, but still did not love the album as a whole. and at that time, i was also in a bad place. i was in animation school, at which i had a really terrible experience. it was during that period that i started abusing alcohol, actually. i was let down by "kid a" and "amnesiac" as entire albums. i was in really bad mental state during that whole time, and to fall in love with another radiohead album, like i did with the first three, was what i needed to help me get through. radiohead had other plans for their music at that point, though, and i totally understand, respect, and love them for everything they've done in their career as a band. it was not their fault that a silly girl in the pacific northwest needed something from them that wasn't in sync with where they were as a band at the time. i don't regret that they went through that period, either, because they needed to go through it to get to where they are now. i can also say i'm learning not to regret my fucked up years in the pacific northwest, because without them, i would not be where or who i am now, and i think, like "in rainbows" , that i've come to a place that feels more comfortable and right for me.

radiohead had saved my life in high school. the song "creep" led me into their music like it did for so many others at the time. so many of the lyrics on "pablo honey" spoke to me deeply. the melodies, strong guitars, drums, bass, voice: they helped me to release my emotions. "the bends"? it totally fucking saved my life in college. totally fucking saved my life. and oh, god, so did "ok computer". "ok computer" blew my ass away. i needed something else like that in the dark years i had between 1999 and 2002 (the pacific northwest years). "hail to the thief" got me a good way closer to feeling saved by radiohead again, but still, i did not fall completely in love with the album as a whole. i was so scared to be let down again by "in rainbows". i never tried to download it, and didn't rush to buy it when it was released in stores, but i just happened to see it on my sister's desk, so i thought i'd just try it. and here i am, feeling giddy like i did listening to radiohead throughout the 1990s.

tomorrow is the anti-fur demo. i'm just gonna go and do my own thing, cuz diego still never got back to me, and so we weren't able to plan the thing he said he wanted to do with me. i'm disappointed. maybe i'll like, stand in a different location than he's at, so that i don't have to talk to him and try to pretend that everything's okay and it's all cool. i'm really bad at pretending i'm feeling something i'm not. my face and eyes give it all away. if he comes up to me, i'll just have to do my best to pretend that i'm totally cool, but i'm not gonna seek him out.

thom yorke's voice really is something beyond describing. it's the most beautiful male voice i've ever heard. stevie wonder's voice comes in second, in my opinion. stevie wonder is underappreciated. yeah, i know, everyone loves stevie, blah, blah, blah, but stevie wonder's voice is fucking AMAZING. he does things with his voice that NO other singer has done. he's just a phenomenal musician all around. like, he really is a genius and he's underappreciated. he's one of the greatest musical geniuses to have graced this earth. i'm not exaggerating. it's true. and it's also true that if he were a white man, he'd get much more props for that. just look at mediocre elvis presley being held up like a king of music. please, spare me. anyway, i love thom yorke's voice. i love stevie wonder's voice, songwriting, lyrics, and instrument playing. oh, and i love thom yorke's solo album. i could not stop listening to that album last year. it's still in my stereo getting a good number of rounds.

my lair is in pretty damn good shape now. almost ready for my friend's arrival. yay! :)