måndag den trettonde augusti

i have been having panicky feelings the last few days. it's because i'm on full-blown meds again, both zoloft and wellbutrin. i am gonna see the psychiatrist on wednesday afternoon. i couldn't stop picking at my scalp and pulling at my hair yesterday. i take my anxiety out on my hair and skin when i feel like this. today, i am okay at work. i am panicky about what i have to do after work, though. it doesn't help that i work at times square, the worst place to be if you're feeling anxious. i have to plow through the crowds to get to the nearest office supply store 3 blocks down (which seems like a mile for me in this state). i have to buy padded envelopes for my dvds. i have to mail out 5 dvds today. after i get the envelopes, i will walk 1-2 blocks to the times square subway station (the busiest, worst station) to go down to the 7. i am going to take the 7 to 45th road-court square in queens. there's a post office nearby that's open til 7 p.m. it's really empty and quiet a lot of the time. i'll mail the stuff there. i feel really fucked up in the head. my financial problems, my problems with my mother, my friend's schizophrenia, my other friend being in north carolina for a few weeks, the fact that school is starting soon, and how tomorrow i am meeting with the management guy for the apartment (i'm scared he's gonna not keep his word about keeping the rent at its current low rate, therefore making me unable to rent there after all). worried about how to afford furniture. my sister's offering to help me purchase a futon bed, though. that's very unlike the way she was before. i spoke with her for the first time since winter yesterday. i am hoping that things will be better between us now. but things with my mother are bad. i don't wanna talk about it now. today is the last day of this temp job i'm doing as a receptionist at times square. who knows if i'll get any more work before school begins? stress, stress, stress. stress, stress, stressssssss. well, i'm gonna go now. bye.