tisdag den sjunde augusti

i am at a posh desk in a highrise building in times square. i'm subbing for a receptionist in a real estate office. today is my second day. i am temping here through next monday. after that, i will have less than two weeks before i begin orientation at school. who knows if i will get more temp work after next monday. maybe not. i went for two weeks without anything just now. maybe the summer is slow for temp work. when september hits, my student loans will come, and all the money for non-school expenses will be direct-deposited into my bank account. i just have to make it through these few weeks.

i am back on my meds. i was partly-to-mostly off of them due to not being insured and being broke. it hasn't been pretty to be me or be around me as of late. i can't believe i went for years like that, being so depressed and not being treated for it. it's so nice to have health insurance again!!! i never take it for granted!

yesterday i got a definite "yes" on the apartment below my sister. i also got to take a good look around it. it's very cute and will suit my needs fine. i can't wait to move in. i should be able to move in in between one and two weeks from now. i am so very excited to have my very own space for the first time since i moved here. and i can't believe i'll be living so close to everything. 5 minutes to grand central. 8 minutes to times square (i hate times square, but it's where i need to go to catch the 1 train to school). once i sign my lease, a huge stress will be lifted off of me. and after all my looking and planning, i'm ending up staying in my beloved borough of queens. :)

i saw a very old friend on sunday. we had brunch and then went to the guggenheim museum (which i had never been to before) and then went to "fika", which is to have a break in which you sit down for coffee (or tea, or whatever) with family or friends. it was really nice to see her. she's doing well. she's been sober for 8 months. she became an alcoholic 3 years ago. she's now in aa. my own alcohol use has been much more under control. i haven't had hard alcohol for weeks, just a beer or two once a week or so. it's my aim for the alcohol use to dwindle down even more. i can do it. her mom is giving me some old furniture. i thought i could use her mom's old futon, but it's queen-size and i need full-size. :/ so i guess i'm in the market for a new futon. i need a frame for it, too, because my last futon got moldy from being right on the floor in a humid climate. :( her mom is giving me the two hammock chairs with brown fabric covered in orange and yellow mushrooms which date back to the '70s. that furniture was there in their living room when i first met my friend in nursery school. :)

i am too tired to talk much about other things going on: the fact that another very old friend of mine who has schizophrenia has symptoms that have gotten worse, and his family is in denial and is therefore not helping him get what he needs psychiatrically. he called me last night and was so desperate and haunted by his hallucinations (which he is convinced are real) that i worried for his safety and called my dad crying and my dad called his dad and did some diplomatic talking (our dads have known one another for eons). i dunno if it helped, but at least his dad now knows that other people know what's going on and are watching. i wish i were there to physically take that boy to a good psychiatrist who will help him and give him medicine that works!!! i will do my best to support him from afar.

another thing: my mother e-mailed me today, telling me how much i've hurt her by not speaking to her for the past half-year. manipulation and guilt trips. what's new? she can't accept that we have a fucking abusive relationship. she makes me out to be a bad guy who is giving her a "silent treatment" and "punishing" her. i'm not punishing her. i'm taking care of myself! i can't fucking take it. she implies that i don't love her because i'm not talking to her. i can't fucking deal. this makes me want to talk to her even LESS. to be honest, i barely miss my mother now. i feel horrible about it, but i barely miss talking to my mother. the effect of NOT talking to her does me a lot more good than harm at this point. i miss my sister more. my sister and i are on writing terms now. i'm sure we'll be on speaking terms soon, seeing as i am going to be her downstairs neighbor. i know this situation is weird. i am moving downstairs from someone i haven't been talking to for half a year. but i think that my relationship with my sister is salvageable since she is more able to self-reflect and admit to wrongdoings than my mother is. my mother's a lost cause. she's stuck in the abuser/martyr role and sometimes i wonder if she really loves me or is just trying to look good to her friends and society by playing off "the good mother" in front of others. it's hard to play "the good mother" when you're daughter's not talking to you. yeah, well, it's hard to look like "the good daughter" when you're not talking to your mother, but it doesn't fucking matter to me anymore.

that's some of what's going on, the good and the bad of it. oh, and i am addicted to haruki murakami. :)