onsdag den åttonde augusti

the 7 might have been the only train running this morning. luckily i live a block from the 7. i pushed my way onto a packed train after not being able to board two consecutive jammed ones. it was insane. but, i got to work only 15 minutes late (instead of hours late, like many new yorkers) and was the first one here.

update on my mother: she responded to my reply to her e-mail and listed all the major instances of her doing something nice for me throughout my life, and then asked me how, in each case, she had abused me. i won't get into what i wrote back. i just explained that abuse is not a series of events you can list. abuse is a pattern of behavior and ways of relating that forms the fabric that a relationship is made of. i explained that a series of events in which nice things are done for a person does not excuse or make irrelevant the presence of a pattern of abuse of that person. she stated she had no idea what i was talking about in terms of abuse in our relationship. i asked her to go over the instances of being nice that she had outlined and think about how our relationship generally was during all of those periods of time. i reminded her of the anger, resentment, fights, snappy comments, criticism, etc. that has permeated our relationship for a long time. i am not going to continue a back-and-forth with her in which i continue to explain and describe things for her approval, as it's a perfect example of her not valuing my truth and of her challenging me to prove my feelings and experiences as valid. she has always invalidated anything of mine that she doesn't want to deal with. yes, this is one of the ways she's emotionally abused me. i have no idea what her next response will be. probably some sort of alternate history of our relationship that doesn't involve abuse, just misunderstandings between a mother and her troubled child. i won't take the bait. i'll just let her know that i need to go back to not being in communication.

my roommate is temporarily home for today and maybe tomorrow (i'm not sure). then he's back up in new england at the summer camp until august 12th. i'll have barely seen him this whole time i've lived in his apartment.

i am so anxious to move and set up my own new lair and get settled in. i am going to have the cutest chococat-themed bathroom ever. at a store down the street from where i currently live, they have chococat wallpaper banners that matches my bathmat, toilet lid cover and shower curtain. it's all in the "lapis" design. the store also have a matching lapis set of a chococat soap dispenser, cup and toothbrush holder, but that might be too much. i probably won't get that. there's no bathtub in the bathroom, just a shower stall. you can't have it all, though. i will have totally bare walls throughout the apartment that i can decorate. everything will be 100% ME! :)

there's a boy down the hall from where i currently live who looks, talks, and acts like alex. he's latino, not a swedish/greek boy like alex, but they are doppelgangers. alex could easily pass for latino. i think this boy is substantially younger than i am. he's like, the late teens version of alex. what a cute sweetie-pie. oh, my god. what a cutie-pie. i'd like to talk to him sometime. no, i don't have designs on him, but it would be interesting to talk to him! he seems like a really sweet kid! i also saw a boy on the subway yesterday who resembled alex. awww, how cute! :) alex was cute-deluxe. i love seeing boys who remind me of him!