lördag den tjugosjunde oktober

i'm struggling along with schoolwork. lots of reading, more papers, and now i have a statistics class. i love being a student. i just get so tired and burned out because i also work so much at my internship. i don't want school to end in two years. i wish i could be in school for longer. i have even entertained the idea of a doctorate. the hours and days are going too quickly. i don't feel i have enough time for everything. i am used to having free time. i love being at school and seeing the people i like and having class with them and talking to them around school. i look forward to my days at school so much!

i had a breakthrough dream the other night. it was about the boy i grew up with: the one i loved. it was a really incredible dream. i can't describe how happy i was. we were hanging out together all night long one night. we were sitting in the dining area of a dilapidated new york apartment that resembled the one i lived in this past summer. we were trying to keep ourselves and each other awake all night for some reason. something big was happening the next day and for some reason, we needed to stay awake all night for it. those hours we spent together that night were life-changing. we began the night as the boy and girl we'd been for years: two young people who had a bond and feelings for one another that they didn't know how to deal with. we ended the night having had a breakthrough. during those long, late hours we spent together, a wall came down and we emotionally united in the way we had struggled and failed to do for so long. it was phenomenal. anyway, the dream went on at the next day's event. he was there next to his friend, and i walked right by him without saying anything. i even actually bumped into him but didn't excuse myself. i stood some feet away from him talking to other people, and i acted as if he weren't there. he felt extremely hurt that i would go back to the avoidance/ignoring game with him after this breakthrough we'd had. it was like i had broken a deep unspoken promise we'd made to each other the night before as we tore down that wall between us. he felt like this was the final betrayal. i realized that i had fucked things up for the last time, and it was all over. i had hurt him one too many times.

i woke up reeling, because the dream allowed me to vividly experience the feelings he actually must have had when we were teenagers. how much i must have hurt him. i didn't really understand how much i had hurt him until i had this dream the other night. things ended between us in a heartbreaking, really fucked up way as high school came to a close. we had hurt each other a lot. at the time, and for years afterward, i always thought that he was the one who hurt me, and he was the one who pushed me away and was unable to be my partner. i did a lot of that to him, too, though. i did A LOT of that to him. i think i really fucking hurt that boy. i think that hurt is still there in him. i wish i could see him and talk to him. i wish he could see that i would now be able to look straight into his eyes without looking away, that i would face him and not run away. yeah, i wish we could make up for it. i wish i could spend a whole night with him talking, laughing, goofing off and telling stories and opening up our hearts to one another and staying there for each other. i miss feeling that incredible closeness and love with a special someone. i haven't felt it with a living person since alex died. i pray to god that i feel that wonderful bond again. god, please bring me another person i can love so deeply, or please help andy come back into my life.