lördag den tjugotredje februari

update on boy:

i was too scared to approach him this past wednesday. the first time i saw him was at lunchtime. i was talking to a friend, and he was standing near me talking to a group he's doing a project with. i could see out of the corner of my eye that he kept looking at me and being distracted from his group by what i was saying to my friend. i pretended not to notice he was there.

second time i saw him on wednesday was in class. he has to walk right in front of me to get to his seat. as he walked by me, he looked at me shyly and smiled. i looked at him shyly and smiled back. during the class break, he ran out to get coffee. at the end of class, he was stalling on leaving the room. maybe he was hoping i'd come talk to him. i freaked out and left the room. i went out into the hall and checked my mail. once i knew he was by the elevators, i started walking towards them. he looked my way, turned, and went up the stairs!

a few minutes later, i am outside and notice he's out there, too. i pretend not to see him. i look into the lobby through the glass windows from outside. i am waiting for a friend. i am also on the phone. i can see through the reflection in the glass that he notices me standing there and his eyes get as wide as saucers and he freezes. i internally freak out and am all talking on the phone pretending to look in the window. he then comes walking really fast past me into the building.

on thursday, the only time i see him is after classes in the computer lab. he's sitting there at a computer. the lab has lots of empty seats. i choose the one right next to him. i come up and say, "hi" to him and he glances up at me and mumbles a hello. he looks freaked out. i sit down and don't try to talk more to him cuz he seems freaked out and nervous, but i sit there doing my stuff, trying to be calm and send off warm vibes, and i also chat with a few friends across the lab from me. when i get up to go print stuff out, he gets up from his seat and walks out of the lab very quickly. he forgets to sign out of his computer, even.

this morning, i sent him a gift on the social networking site that i messaged him on and that he invited me to be friends on. i am trying to thaw him out. it seems like he is perhaps crushing hard on me and doesn't know what to do with himself around me. well, i am a very nice person, and he has no reason to fear me. i realize i have no reason to fear him, either. he's just a person too, albeit very, very, very cute. so, i am feeling much less scared now that i know he's scared too (even more scared than i am). so i hope to thaw him out some more this coming wednesday. maybe i will get him to have a conversation with me. :)

i am really, really, really NOT used to boys crushing on me and being intimidated by me or shy around me, etc. it has rarely happened to me. it's weird, quite frankly. like, he's soooo shy around me!!! well, my agenda for the coming weeks regarding this boy is to be very kind, friendly, and warm. i will also try to make somewhat of an ass out of myself and try to make him laugh in order for him to feel more comfortable around me.

i can't wait to see him on wednesday.

fredag den femtonde februari

yeah, i have a new crush. this one has potential, though. this guy and i are weird around each other. like, looking but pretending not to look. coming close by and then retreating and trying to act nonchalant. he is VERY, VERY, VERY cute. and i just messaged him on one of the social networking sites i'm on. he sent back a request to be my friend. :) i'm so corny. this guy is in one of my classes. i hadn't had a class with him before. now i do. and his eyes are breathtaking. they're like alex's eyes, actually: deep-set and hazel, with long, dark eyelashes. mah gawwwwd. the kind of eyes that can make you swoon.


UPDATE:
i wish the boy had messaged me back instead of just sending a friend request. he has like, over 100 friends there, so maybe sending a friend request was just his way of not really meaning anything or saying anything as a response. whatever. i should not have messaged him. i shouldn't go after boys anymore. they always reject me.

torsdag den sjunde februari

hi. i'm off one of my meds. i ran out and i could not get another prescription because i could not walk all the way to the counseling center. i finally got a prescription today. i will fill it tomorrow.

i was able to go to school this week. school's cool. it's great to see my schoolfriends, and i like my classes. another cute boy is in one of my classes. he acts kind-of awkward around me. we've never spoken to each other, but he kept glancing at me and acted awkward when he walked past me. i don't want to get excited about it. i've had too many let-downs. i won't get excited unless something happens between me and him.

yeah, so my mental health is suffering due to being off of the meds. i am also kind of suffering because it's hard to have a broken toe and my home routine is now different. i'm trying to adjust to everything. i kinda broke down a bit after school when i had dinner with a friend. i kinda had to cry. yeah, mental health can be fragile.

on saturday, there's another anti-fur protest. it's a valentine's day protest. i am gonna get angel wings with hearts on them and throw heart confetti and hand out brochures and educate folks about fur trim. and, like last time, i'll be wearing fantastic mr. fox on my head. he's very cute. :) i dunno if diego's gonna be there. i wish he'd go so that he can help me with my little action i'm doing. i'm over my crush on him, but he'd be fun to demonstrate with. he's a nice guy and he's passionate about this issue.

this past tuesday, i was in spanish harlem all evening, holding signs and handing out literature and talking to people about obama. it was really, really exciting. and, i felt that even though i could not vote in the primary, i put in a lot of work to help out the campaign on super tuesday. i am pleased that obama did how he did, and i hope he keeps doing better and better as time goes on. obama's da maaaaan! :)

söndag den andra februari

i tried walking to the subway on thursday. i made it half a block. my foot wasn't ready for it. i missed the second day of school. i missed my internship on friday.

it's sunday. i keep obsessing over how things are going for my man, obama. i have hope that he will do well in the primaries. please, god. we need this. please answer my prayers. our country deserves better. please bring us better. i want mr. obammies to win.

i am making tofu scramble right now. yummy. or, maybe i should not make it, cuz we are going out to eat in three hours. maybe i'll have something like the empanadas. i'll make tofu scramble later. maybe i'll make it tonight in order to eat for lunch this coming week. yeah. i'm gonna have those mushroom potato empanadas now.

i've been doing reading for school. it makes me more excited for this semester. i love what social work is about. i love what it stands for. i am proud to be in this field.

torsdag den trettionde januari

hi. my toe feels lots better this morning. i think i can manage to hobble to the subway and hobble through the times square station to catch my connecting train and then hobble out of the station and catch a cab to my school (my school is really not close to the train). it's amazing that my toe feels better after only several days. i mean, i fucking BROKE the bone! but the doctor told me it would heal quickly. luckily i have a cane to hobble on.

i had a weird dream last night. once in a while, i dream about the old lair i used to live in way out in hollis. in my dreams, the house the lair was in is situated on the edge of town, and farm fields stretch out into the distance. last night i dreamt of the lair and the house and the family that lives in it. my friend from whom i sublet the lair was living there. i had a job like the one i have now, except that i was doing home visits to check on the welfare of pets, not children. my friend had adopted a small dog. i worked with this woman who was apparently from iceland because she had an icelandic name, but she was speaking to me and my friend in what sounded to me like swedish. but apparently it was supposed to be icelandic. i told the woman in swedish that we could not speak icelandic, and could she please speak english. the woman interrogated my friend about whether her dog had received heartworm, rabies, and other shots. my friend said no. the woman asked me why i hadn't asked my friend before about the dog. i said i thought my friend was taking good care of the dog. the woman berated me for not interrogating my friend about the dog before. it was a fucking weird dream, especially the part where i'm conversing with this lady in swedish. i feel like i've lost some of my swedish language abilities, but i guess they're still in my brain somewhere. oh, and in an earlier part of the dream, in another story, i moved to norway for some reason. maybe it was because another republican became president and fucked the country up even more and i was able to immigrate to norway on account of my direct descendance from a norwegian. anyway, i remember being pissed off when i realized i'd now have to try to learn norwegian (and i'd be getting it confused with swedish all the time).

i gotta get up, shower, dress, and hobble to the train so i can make it to class on time.

bye.

onsdag den trettionde januari

i was in the emergency room for 5 hours yesterday. i have a broken toe. it is bound together with the toe next to it to make it immobilized. today was the first day of classes for spring semester. i could not go to school. i could not walk. i missed three classes. tomorrow, i have one class. i hope i am able to go. i don't care if i miss my internship on friday, though. it is really upsetting that i missed class today. i literally could not walk at all, so how could i have gotten from queens to harlem? anyway, things are cool for me and my friend who's staying with me. :) gotta go. bye.

tisdag den tjugonionde januari

hi. my friend's here. she took the "lake shore limited" from chicago to new york. i was at penn station to pick her up. last night, i slipped on the stairs leading into my lair, and injured my toe. right now, i am laying in bed. soon, i will get up and get dressed and call a taxi and have it take me to the hospital emergency room across the river. i really think i flat-out broke my damn toe. it hurts very, very much. fuck. tomorrow's the first day of school. guess i'll be going to classes with crutches. :(

the demo on saturday was good. i wore my fox hat. i named the fox on my hat "fantastic mr. fox". now i am reminded of the roald dahl book. i love roald dahl. there are going to be some valentine's day demos. i'll wear fantastic mr. fox and red clothing, and i'll paint hearts on my face. i will get heart confetti and sprinkle it through the air whenever someone in fur walks by. i'll ask them to spread love, not pain, by ceasing to wear fur. i'll ask them to show some love to little animal cubs by donating their coats to "coats for cubs". a woman in front of me on the escalator in grand central terminal was wearing mink. i took a card out of my pocket and tapped her on her carcass-covered shoulder and showed it to her. it said, "it takes 40 animals to make one fur coat, and one person to make a difference." she said, "i can't see. i can't see." i said, "apparently not. you obviously choose to be blind to the fact that you are wearing animal torture." she said, "i can't hear", and got away from me. poor lady. so willfully ignorant and cruel. she must be a miserable person. too bad that so many miserable people take their misery out on other people and animals and the environment. anyway, diego wasn't at the demo on saturday. this worried me, and i texted him to see if he was okay. he texted back and said he was, and that something had come up. i texted back and reminded him of the valentine's demos, and told him what i was planning to do at them. i'm over him. he's a nice guy and it will be cool to see him and talk to him, but i'm over my little giddiness now.

i got my student loan refund. i have money now, thank god. i need to buy textbooks. i'm getting them used on amazon.com. otherwise, they're too expensive. i am gonna be on a tight budget this semester. a really tight budget. spaghetti is my friend. peanut butter and jam are my friends. miso soup and rice are my friends. tofu scramble is my friend. all i am gonna allow myself to splurge on are a few area rugs and a hubert herr cuckoo clock. that's all. then my apartment will be super-cute!!!

i am reinvigorated by what has been happening with the barack obama campaign as of late. i am really, really excited and hopeful. if obama wins the presidency, this is what's gonna happen to me:
1) i will be extremely proud of my president (i've never felt that before)
2) i will have great hope for my country's future
3) i will do whatever i can to be involved in the positive change-making that will occur
4) i will thank god every day for answering my prayers
5) i won't be ashamed to be american anymore
6) i will see my parents get back the hope that was lost after the great leaders of the 60's died
7) i will see my country repair its relationships with the rest of the world
8) when i go abroad, i will be able to talk with people in other countries about how awesome my president is, instead of how horrible he is
9) i will tune into my president's speeches on tv, instead of avoiding them
10) i will feel better about bringing a child into this world, and will also feel better about the futures of the children of my friends

i guess i should get up and get dressed and call the cab. i really, really fucked up my toe. grrrr!!!