tisdag den trettionde oktober

for the first time in years, i won't be dressing up for halloween. i don't have a costume. i mean, i do, but it won't work this year. i am often pippi longstocking for halloween. i lopped my hair off, though, so i can't do the braids. :( oh, well. i think i'll sit by the entrance to my building and hand out candy in the glow of a jack-o-lantern light.

i might go into a slut period again. i won't call upon men i don't know, though. i might call upon the firefighter again. i wish there were other boys i knew that i could shag. super-duper sex drive. i guess what they say is true: women reach their sexual peaks in their 30s. i've never been so horny as i've been in the last year or so. it seems to be more acute during the colder months as well. hmmm... well, hopefully, i will find a fuck friend other than the firefighter, somewhere, somehow. and soon. i'm gonna burst soon!

i'm gonna be up late writing a paper. what's new?

lördag den tjugosjunde oktober

i'm struggling along with schoolwork. lots of reading, more papers, and now i have a statistics class. i love being a student. i just get so tired and burned out because i also work so much at my internship. i don't want school to end in two years. i wish i could be in school for longer. i have even entertained the idea of a doctorate. the hours and days are going too quickly. i don't feel i have enough time for everything. i am used to having free time. i love being at school and seeing the people i like and having class with them and talking to them around school. i look forward to my days at school so much!

i had a breakthrough dream the other night. it was about the boy i grew up with: the one i loved. it was a really incredible dream. i can't describe how happy i was. we were hanging out together all night long one night. we were sitting in the dining area of a dilapidated new york apartment that resembled the one i lived in this past summer. we were trying to keep ourselves and each other awake all night for some reason. something big was happening the next day and for some reason, we needed to stay awake all night for it. those hours we spent together that night were life-changing. we began the night as the boy and girl we'd been for years: two young people who had a bond and feelings for one another that they didn't know how to deal with. we ended the night having had a breakthrough. during those long, late hours we spent together, a wall came down and we emotionally united in the way we had struggled and failed to do for so long. it was phenomenal. anyway, the dream went on at the next day's event. he was there next to his friend, and i walked right by him without saying anything. i even actually bumped into him but didn't excuse myself. i stood some feet away from him talking to other people, and i acted as if he weren't there. he felt extremely hurt that i would go back to the avoidance/ignoring game with him after this breakthrough we'd had. it was like i had broken a deep unspoken promise we'd made to each other the night before as we tore down that wall between us. he felt like this was the final betrayal. i realized that i had fucked things up for the last time, and it was all over. i had hurt him one too many times.

i woke up reeling, because the dream allowed me to vividly experience the feelings he actually must have had when we were teenagers. how much i must have hurt him. i didn't really understand how much i had hurt him until i had this dream the other night. things ended between us in a heartbreaking, really fucked up way as high school came to a close. we had hurt each other a lot. at the time, and for years afterward, i always thought that he was the one who hurt me, and he was the one who pushed me away and was unable to be my partner. i did a lot of that to him, too, though. i did A LOT of that to him. i think i really fucking hurt that boy. i think that hurt is still there in him. i wish i could see him and talk to him. i wish he could see that i would now be able to look straight into his eyes without looking away, that i would face him and not run away. yeah, i wish we could make up for it. i wish i could spend a whole night with him talking, laughing, goofing off and telling stories and opening up our hearts to one another and staying there for each other. i miss feeling that incredible closeness and love with a special someone. i haven't felt it with a living person since alex died. i pray to god that i feel that wonderful bond again. god, please bring me another person i can love so deeply, or please help andy come back into my life.

söndag den tjugoförsta oktober

this is my new cat, katarina. behind her is blue, the bear. my friend got the idea to make me an animal friend when i lost blue on the subway. katarina came to me almost a year after blue was lost and found. katarina reminds me of blue in her facial expression and energy, and the two are the same size. my friend lives far away from me, but she made an animal friend who is a lot like blue, a bear i don't think she ever met. oh, and both animals are extremely cuddly. happy cuddle times.

i managed to get through midterms. three papers and an exam in less than one week. craziness! i continue to love school, and wish i could spend more time there. i guess i could. maybe i'll try to study there more on days that i have classes. i wish i had classes more often.

my dad's job ends at the end of the month. his job was only a 4-year-long job. he may or may not get another one where he works. i am stressed about it. if he doesn't get something else by november, he might not get to stay where he lives, and then he'll have to stay here. my sister will live with her boyfriend, and i will live in her lair with her cats, and my dad will live down here. i just hope he doesn't have to go through that. i just want him to get what he deserves: the other job.

i haven't found any special someone. there are a couple of cuties at school, but i haven't had the chance to talk to them yet. one of them wants to talk to me, i think. i really wish i'd have someone to think about, cuz my dreams are overrun by andy, the boy i loved as a child. he's the only one alive in this world that i care about in that special way. i guess that's why i keep thinking about him? it's driving me nuts. he's far away, and he has a girlfriend, and he doesn't want anything to do with me. i hope someone comes along and can be there for me like andy can't.

tisdag den nionde oktober

i am writing from my lair. i haven't had internet here save for when i wrote on september 23 and then now. it's really sucked not having internet.

i am very sick and lost my voice. i stayed home from my internship today. i really, really, really want to go to school tomorrow, and i will try to go unless i am even sicker.

i'm writing a paper on the operationalization of a human behavioral phenomenon within a psychological theory. if that sounds confusing, join the club. i know how to write english papers and research papers for art history, african-american studies and stuff like that, but not this theoreticalphenomenaloperationalizingframeworkingmodelling shit. i think i will turn out a decent paper. the next two papers for this course are more up my alley. i will do excellently on those. oh, and hopefully i won't be in a medicated, sick fog when i write them.

my lair is still a mess because i don't have time to unpack everything and organize it and put up shelves and other shit. it will be a process. i wanna have a halloween party. i dunno if that will happen.

due to my not having internet, my income from ebay in the last 30 days has been $27. i have a shitload of dvds to put on there. over a thousand dollars' worth, maybe even inching towards two thousand dollars' worth. i am gonna need that money. since i had absolutely no furniture (save a bookshelf) before i moved, i have had to buy all this furniture i have, and all this other shit i needed that i didn't have because i've been subletting till now. the money i've spent has added up big-time. plus i had to pay back the money i had borrowed to get this lair in the first place. i am so glad that christmas is coming. i have been on ebay for almost a year, and i remember how my stuff was going like hotcakes the closer christmas came. i have like, over 40 items in my ebay store, but no one wants them. they're just sitting there. i might have one sale per week. but hopefully those will start selling more the closer christmas comes, and the loads i'm putting on will sell, and i will get much-needed mooooolah! ebay will save my ass once again.

what else is there to say? i dunno. it's just school, internship, study, try to fix lair, eat, sleep. i don't have a social life. my shrink upped my dosage of meds. i've not been handling all the stress very well. i took to the drink again. this time i stayed away from the hard alcohol and focused on beer. well, i wanna cut way down on that, and it would be great to cut it out completely. i can't be a good social worker if i can't fucking take really good care of myself. so, i wanna just breathe more deeply and take it a bit easier and not be as hard on myself and stay away from the booze. the higher med dosage is helping, too.

no news of any crushes at school. i do have a little crush at work. it's nothing big. it's a little crush. i dunno the sexual orientation of the gurl. my gaydar does not go off except for the slight sexual tension i feel between us. nothing's gonna happen, though. it's just nice to have that feeling. :)

so, i have lots of papers due. one this week and two next week. egads. the one this week is the most difficult. i'm not worried about the other two.

next time, i will post a picture of my new cat, "katarina".