måndag den trettioförsta december

the last day of 2007. i'm sitting on my ass like i've been for the past two weeks. i have to get up and go take a shower and get ready to go to my sister's fiance's house.

i wish so much that i could find another person to love and be loved by. someone who will accept me as i am. someone i can accept as they are. i have the deep fear that i won't ever find it in another man.

i kinda look forward to spring semester starting again. during this break, i have been laying in my bed for hours a day thinking of how alone i am. thinking of how i have lost the loves of my life and may not ever get another chance. it's very painful.

i have to go get ready for the new year's eve party now. i'm not excited about another year because i fear it will be yet another year empty of love.

i might enlist the services of the firefighter again soon.

torsdag den tjugosjunde december

hi

christmas was good. i spent it with my dad in my sister's lair with her two cats. it was super-cozy and nice! i forgot that this year was not the first not spent at my mother's house. it was the first not spent with my mother. two christmases ago, we all spent christmas here in nyc. my mother came from cali. this christmas is my first not spent with my mother. that is what makes it different. but i talked to her on the phone for the first time in almost a year, on christmas day. it was good. i think i can slowly but surely begin to talk to her more again.

i'm all over my friend's child's photographs. i am seriously gonna get my ass, hell or high water, down to atlanta to meet that precious child. i cannot friggin gawddang WAIT to meet him!!!

my other friend in chicago will soon be my friend ms. bonnarif in nyc because she's moving back to this city in february. i am so glad! i can't even say how glad i am that she'll be back here!!! she has an open door to my lair when she moves back here. i know finding a place here is a bitch.

i got the grades from 4 of my classes back, and they're all A's. i am waiting for two more grades to come back. if i got a 4.0 overall, i would go scream in the streets. i've never before gotten a 4.0 in my life. the highest i ever got was a 3.8.

i will shut up now because i'm boring myself. i wish i could go to the island of attu, though. and svalbard, and nunavut, and jan mayen, and murmansk, and denali, and every other far off place in the sparkly regions of the world that are full of amazing wildlife and people. yeah, if i could spend a few years exploring the arctic, i would not complain. not fucking complain at ALL!!!!!

addendum: jeff corwin & co. said that attu was the westernmost point in the united states. so, maybe that's true, but i just found out that the easternmost point in the united states is another aleutian island: semisopochnoi island, which is so far west of mainland alaska that it is in the EASTERN hemisphere by 14 minutes. this means that when the u.s. was celebrating the year 2000, it should have been said that semisopochnoi was the first land to celebrate the new year....BEFORE new zealand, australia, mainland russia, et al. muthafuckas, someday, i am going to go visit semisopochoi on new year's eve, and i am gonna be the first muthafuckin yankee to celebrate the new year!!! :) yeah, someday i will be an aleutian explorer. i will be the ultimate explorer of the arctic!!! and i will leave no trace! i will peacefully watch the animals and tread lightly on the earth, and by god, i will witness the beauty for myself in person! this here fumbling, duddling human will do that! :) by the way, one of my heroes is nereus the walrus. i love him! if more humans had an inch of his courage, we wouldn't be in the shitty stew we've put the world into! animals rule!

lördag den tjugoandra december

hi. it's a few days before christmas. for the first time in my 30-year life, i am not spending christmas in my hometown. my dad's done it before. my sister's done it before. but i have never done it before. my dad and i are spending christmas together in a couple of days.

i'm broke. most of the money i have spent on gifts, though, is by giving my family oxfam america gifts, which are actually gifts for folks in much more difficult circumstances than i've ever been in; gifts given in the names of my loved ones. i might be flat-ass broke, but the money i do have to spend goes towards something that fucking matters. i might be flat-ass broke, but i am extremely privileged to be in the situation i am in. i'm broke, but not poor. no one should live in poverty. period, end of argument. there is far more than enough wealth in this world to take care of every human being. the only reason why some starve and suffer is GREED. no one needs the amount of wealth that too many in this world have. too many need the decencies of basic living standards that so few in this world have.

on a lighter note, there is a boy at a non-profit store in my neighborhood that i just realized i think is really cute and sweet and nice, and he definitely sees sparks when i'm around. i dunno what to do. i was thinking about it today at dinner with my dad (while he was eating his food). if this guy were as sweet to me and as wonderful to me as he's been in our brief encounters (when i browse around the non-profit store), i would, perhaps, freak out. alex was one who accepted me and loved me as is, with all imperfections and scars and ugliness included. i've been so afraid that i'd never find that again. but let's say, what if this boy wanted to be with me despite and/or because of my imperfections? would i not freak out? i would. i've been praying for a partner in life, but am i ready for him? i am glad i've been thinking about this today. cuz if i hadn't been thinking about it and had been faced with love, i might freak out. anyway, this boy is very sweet and cute. no, he's both cute and handsome, both sweet and kind. i don't know his name yet. i think i knew the first time i met him a few months ago that we had an attraction, but i could not mentally handle it. anyway, he has black hair and brown eyes. he's either my height or a little taller or shorter. he is either mexican or central american, for sure. i am gonna go over to that shop again soon and talk to him more. find out his name, maybe hang around enough for us to talk more and perhaps ask one another on a date. yeah. this boy is special.

anyway, i gotta go. christmas preparations call. and i got an "A" in one of my classes. i will probably get the other grades within two weeks.

bye. feliz navidad. god jul. joyeux noel. buon natale. merry christmas.

lördag den femtonde december

i am done with my first semester of graduate school. i finished my paper. i took my final exams. i completed my statistics final assignment. it's over! :) i think i did better than i thought i'd do on my sw practice exam. my policy exam was harder than i was expecting it to be. i hope i did well on it. i took all the advice my hbse ta gave me on my last paper, and applied it to the paper i just turned in. i hope i get an a- or higher on it. i worked my ass off on the final statistics project. i hope i did well. if i did as well on all these things as i did on everything else i did this semester, i am going to get straight a's. i think there might have been one semester in college that i was able to pull that off. i think i might be able to pull off straight a's all throughout graduate school and receive a cumulative gpa of 3.8 or higher. that will help me get into the school's phd program. plus, my teachers think i'm one of the best students. yeah, i hope to be going into the phd program. :) life is good. i am doing something i love and am passionate about, and i am doing really well at it. i'm being recognized for my hard work by my teachers and fellow students. i have the reputation among the students of being one of the smartest ones in the program. what a change from how i was treated in the jobs i've had in this city (except for the temp jobs i had over the past year). my field instructor does not really think very highly of me, though. well, i don't think very highly of him, either. i am just gonna stick through the next 4 1/2 months at that internship and make the best of it and focus on my clients and not let my field instructor make me feel like i am shit. i am now on a break from both the internship and school. i go back to the internship on january 4th. i go back to school at the end of january. i got the classes i wanted, except for the teacher i wanted for sw practice. i really want this particular teacher and her class was full when i tried to register. i am gonna try again during add-drop in january. yeah, school is great. i really feel a bond to quite a few people there. i really love to see them and hang out with them. i so wish i had school more than two days per week. for the next few weeks, it'll be time for me to fix up my lair and do all the things i haven't done in so long. yeah. now i'm gonna go to bed soon. g'night!