onsdag den tjugoåtta november

i have great fucking news: my dad just found out today that he got the new, better job at the park, and so he doesn't have to move out or deal with unemployment! good god, i am so glad! so, so, so glad!!! i hope he never has to deal with not having a job or a home again!!! he came over to queens and took me out to dinner at my favorite italian restaurant. i would have treated him, but i am broke. i don't have enough to make december rent. i am selling shit on ebay like mad, trying to get the money together to pay that rent. yeah, it fucking sucks. i don't get student loans for spring semester until january!

i get two papers back tomorrow. i hope i did well on them. i only have one more paper to write. then, i have two final exams and two more statistics homework assignments. in two weeks, i get to register for spring semester classes. i have my preferred schedule all figured out, with the professors i want to have. :)

i have a bit of a crush on a boy in one of my classes. i can't tell if he thinks anything of me. he doesn't try to talk to me, really, but sometimes he sits next to me. he has lots of female friends at the school. i wonder why he doesn't try to talk to me since we seem to be passionate about similar things and he obviously has no problem being friends with girls. he's smart and makes good comments in class, and i can tell by what he says that his politics are like mine. he's cute. he has very short black hair and brown eyes. he's latino, but i don't know where in latin america his people are from. i really, really don't get the feeling that he's gay, even though the fact that he's so cool with girls makes me wonder. oh, it's just a little crush. i probably don't act like i am interested in him, and maybe he has no idea that i think he's cute and smart. maybe he thinks i'm cute and smart. hmmmm....

söndag den tjugofemte november

my friend's child came safely into this world. i've never felt so happy to hear of a child's birth.

the past few days, it was actually cold. it wasn't cold today, but from thursday through saturday, it was cold. i thought the cold would never come.

i saw two old friends from california this weekend. it was really nice. :) i also spent the evening before thanksgiving with my new friend from school. it was really great! i've actually had a social life the past few days. i'm usually down in my little hermit den where no one hears from me. tomorrow, it's back to the old work and study routine, but the semester's over in a few weeks. my sister crabbed that she was too tired to have the thanksgiving dinner we'd planned, so we ended up going out to dinner at a little restaurant. it was nice. she and her fiance are going back to cali for christmas. my dad and i are staying here. it'll be my first christmas without my mother. i'm still not talking to her. i'm not ready to. she's seeing a therapist, though, so maybe she's finally gaining some self-discovery and self-reflection skills to get her beyond the jekyll and hyde martyr role.

so obviously, no one reads my blog, because it's my own boring personal blabbing, but i do think it's fun to see who accidentally happens upon it. that is the reason for my little clustr maps thingy. someone in northern europe seems to lurk here a tiny bit. the clustr map is so shitty that i can't tell if the person is in the netherlands, belgium, northern germany or denmark. the clustr dot of the mystery person takes over a big swath of that area, and i can't tell exactly where they are. i'm sad not to have anyone from norway happening upon my little site. maybe someday.

i am going to sweden this coming summer, and i'm stopping in iceland on the way. i'm gonna teach myself a little icelandic before i go. i am currently reading jar city by arnaldur indriðason, too. it's captivating! i've gotta get an iceland guidebook and a little icelandic phrasebook. it's time to go to scandinavia again. :) what i wouldn't give to sit my ass in an icelandic hot spring right now!!!

the dreams about my old love andy continue every fucking night. he's haunting me constantly. i wonder if he is thinking of me way over where he is? when one person's spirit is haunted so much by another person, does that other person have the one person in mind? i feel like there's this little string of spider webbing that is connecting us somehow. and, i feel like if i actually saw him again, we'd lean towards each other until we were kissing. and then, i don't know if we'd ever be able to let go of each other. i don't see how we could. the whole point of us keeping ourselves separated as teenagers was because we could either do that or be totally and intensely entwined. there was no middle ground for us. i don't think there could be one in the future if we met again, either. he has his girlfriend. i would like to have my own special someone, too. we can have our lives with our respective significant others and have our respective families, and hopefully have our respective happinesses. maybe i'll stop dreaming about him once my future significant other comes along. i hope so.

fredag den nionde november

hi. i thought today was the 10th, but it's the 9th. my days are confused. i was up all night wednesday night/thursday morning writing my social stratification paper. i never slept at all. as i kept writing, i realized what the hell they had asked us to do was basically to write an annotated bibliography. i wish they had just fucking called the assignment that, instead of describing it in a vague way that made everyone confused. so, my annotated bibliography consisted of eight peer-reviewed articles. no, seven articles and one published doctoral dissertation. i think the damn paper came out pretty okay. however, while scanning over a copy of the paper (after i had already turned it in), i realized that i made a mistake on the reference page. i forgot to write in the article title for one of the reference entries. everything was there in perfect, painstakingly accurate apa style, but the damn article title was missing. i KNOW they will notice that. on my last paper, they circled these tiny, tiny apa style mistakes in red on my reference page. and i thought i was anal! but why am i stressing out about it? i did the best i could, and i learned a lot from reading and synthesizing the literature. well, it looks like i need a vacation. yeah. the plan for this sunday is for my dad and i to hop in the car and get the hell out of this concrete jungle for the day. we're going to the storm king sculpture park like we did last year. the leaves on the trees are changing color (i discovered that phenomenon while up in westchester county for an intern training session this past monday). i'm having deja vu as i write this. even the part about writing i have deja vu gives me deja vu. what the fuck is deja vu about? anyway, i really love school and seeing my schoolfriends. i might go over there on some weekend day or some weeknights to study so that i can see them more. but maybe i'll get less work done that way. blah, blah, blah. i'm delirious from sleep deprivation, and i am relieved that these papers are done, and i am amazed that my first semester will be over in a little over a month! this semester has FLOWN by!!! I look forward to winter break, though. I hope to see my schoolfriends over that time period.

önsdag den sjunde november

i am having trouble concentrating on my social stratification paper. i guess that's why i am sitting here on my blog instead of writing the damn paper. it might not be good. i am going to be up all night long writing it. i'm just so exhausted from all these papers and the field placement and everything. it's so hard to write yet ANOTHER fucking paper in such a short amount of time. but, i gotta do it.

good news: i got the paper back from another class. i thought the paper was shit. i wrote it in like, a few hours. i got an "A" on it, though! the paper was 60% of the grade. 40% of the grade was attendance and participation. i attended every class and spoke in every class. i hope to get an "A" in the class. i want that good academic record to keep my future options open. so far, i'm doing better academically than i did in college. i got an A-/B+ average in college. i think it's easier now because i am older and have more knowledge and i have my head on straighter.

my field placement is okay. i'm finally getting a new client: a boy who, along with his siblings, was taken out of his home because of neglect. apparently, his parents are having trouble taking care of themselves and their children. so, i want to be there to support them in doing what they need to do to improve their capacity for self-care and the care of their children. i am doing a "home visit" on friday. according to the acs file, the home is in a "deplorable condition". my field instructor advised me not to wear nice clothes and not to put my bag down on anything.

my sister's coming back on saturday. i asked her to bring back a small australian flag, an australian flag patch, and a cool souvenir t-shirt. yeah, i am cheesy in that way. i like to collect flags and patches and t-shirts from different countries. :P

well, i am gonna go back to the paper now. i guess i will try drinking maté if i need caffeine to keep myself up all night. i hate coffee. i love maté. i also have fruity black swedish tea that alex's mom sent me for my birthday. oh, and i have some chocolate to nibble on. :) ok, i need to shut up and go back to the paper!

vi hörs senare!

söndag den fjärde november

i finished the second-to-final draft of my policy paper. it's too long. the margins are 0.8". i need to edit the muthafucka down to 4 pages. it's now 4 and 1/4 pages long with those tiny margins. i will leave it alone for a few days and come back to it with fresh eyes the night before it's due. now i have to work on my social stratification paper. thank god i already have the research i'm gonna use, since it's the same as i used for my theory paper. i am gonna start on it tonight. yeah, these damn papers will be done when they're due, and i will be so relieved!!! right now, my brain hurts from all the research and writing. i am gonna go mail some bills and get something to eat and drink at the deli.

my friend in chicago told me that she is moving back to ny! probably in january!!! YAY!!!!!!! i hope and pray that she moves back and that her life will be much better than it was when she lived here before. and i will be able to see her much more often because i no longer live in the boondocks. yay!!!

my friend in georgia is still preggers with her sweet little angel and he's doing fine in the womb room. every day i pray that he continues to do well, and i can't wait to see the little guy after he's born! i will be so happy! the student loans i get for second semester will allow me to afford to go down there to visit. ever since this friend's miscarriage early this year, i do not take her or ANYONE'S positive pregnancy outcome for granted.

lördag den tredje november

hi. i got grades from three of my four midterms back this past week. i got two As and one A-!!! yay!!! i thought i was home-free for a while, but i was wrong. i have two papers due this coming week. after those are due, though, i will have a few weeks without having any papers or exams, except for one paper that is due on november 21. i am really happy about my good grades. i hope to keep up the good work. i might want another master's or go for my doctorate, and i want to keep those options open by doing academically well. ya know? getting an A or A- average from an ivy league institution is no small feat. but, hey. i've been through much, much harder things than that. surviving alex's death and that year of living in this cutthroat city without any stable employment was sure as hell harder than what i am doing now. i have a doctorate in surviving tough times. i have a few friends who have their Ph.Ds in that field, as well.

so, i have made friends that i really, really, really enjoy talking to and being around. i wish i had school more often than only two days per week. i was talking to some school friends about that the other evening. i miss being able to see friends every day or many days of the week like i was able to in undergrad. i have like, three separate lives: my life at school, my life at my field placement, and my life staying at home on the weekends. i wish i had three days of school per week and two days of field, instead of the opposite. but, i know that when this program ends, i will really, really miss the two days per week that i do get to spend with these wonderful people i know at school.

well, like i usually do on the weekend, i am staying home, sleeping in as long as i can to make up for the sleep deprivation i experience during the week, and doing schoolwork. i hope to have the first paper done tonight or tomorrow afternoon so that i can focus solely on the second paper, which will be harder. i am listening to the soundtrack to "spirited away" as i write because it is inspiring to me.

last night i went out with the crazy ladies from my old job and we saw "why did i get married?", which i liked much, much more than the stage play. and it didn't hurt that my favorite contemporary female singer, jill scott, was in the film. that gurl sure can act!!! :)

i'd better get on back to writing now. sayonara.