mary kommer i morgon

friends, friends, friends. my friend is coming up from georgia tomorrow. i haven't seen her since i graduated from college. she's pregnant. she's gonna get married. i cry when i think about it. i am meeting her at penn station. i am gonna cry when i see her. i'll probably cry at intervals as we hang out tomorrow! i have become a lot closer to her recently, ever since her mother died. i can't believe i am gonna see her. i feel like this is a part of my "saturn return": pruning my tree, getting rid of the excess "foliage" that is not needed or useful in my life anymore, and letting the important stuff have its full place in the sun. her friendship is part of the important stuff.

there's another friend that i am a lot closer to now. she lives here in new york, too. we weren't talking for four years cuz we were having problems. i was able to come into her life again recently. she accepted me. she loves me. the day i hung out with her for the first time in years was on her birthday in september (virgo!!!). i wanted to cry, seeing the way she really paid attention to what i said and looked me straight in the eyes. i had missed that so much, i realized. i had missed her true friendship, which is something that's so golden! she was one of those friends in college, like my friend in georgia, who taught me what it feels like to be respected and appreciated and cared about for who i really am.

i am upset that bonnie is moving. i understand it, though. she's had such a rough time of it here. she has gone through incredible hardships since moving here, and she is a very strong woman. but we strong women get tired of being strong, jumping through hoops, over obstacles. we just get fucking tired of it and want a break! she deserves to have such happiness in her life, and she's not finding it here. it might be the greatest city in the world, but it's not for everyone to actually LIVE in. chicago is much more affordable, but is still a vibrant, fascinating city (with a GREAT musical legacy!). i can't believe she's moving in only a month. we hardly ever see each other anyway cuz she works so much and we live so far away from each other and we're always so tired from trying to get by here. it fucking sucks. well, i just want her to be happy and to have the freedom to thrive much more than she's been able to do here. and sometimes i wonder what i'm doing here.

my dad got me new running shoes tonight. they're spiffy: white, silver, red and black asics. i have a chronic foot problem, plantar fasciitis, and i can't wear just any old shoe. i can't be picky about my dress shoes (i.e. if a leather shoe fits, i wear it). luckily, the asics that are best for me are vegan. yay! i have to wear orthotics. my foot is hurting a bit more with the new shoes, but i think it's because it has to get used to them. i also wanna put cushioned insoles in there, under the orthotics. i really appreciate him doing this. i know it's my christmas present, but i still really appreciate it.

my dad says i look healthier. he says my skin is glowing more, and has less acne. i can see that too. i just feel less gross! i look forward to seeing how much i've lost the next time i go to see mr. handsome doctor. :)

well, i should probably go to bed now. goodnight!

Hej

This handsome man is my Alexander. This picture was taken when he was at the rehab hospital a few months after his stroke. He is wearing the helmet because half of his skull is gone. They took it out after he had the stroke because his brain was swelling. This is the man who could hug me and make everything okay. I told my friend Bonnie tonight that God owes me big-time for taking Alex away from me. I hardly ask for anything from God. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved. When I finally received that gift, it was taken away forever. God, you know what I have been praying for and lighting candles for these last few days, and it's the only thing I ask of you. Please.

Bonnie is moving to Chicago at the beginning of January. New York City is too expensive, too cutthroat, and she can't have the quality of life she wants here. She's struggled so much just to eke out a meager living ever since she got here almost two years ago. I feel the same way as she does, but my dad and sister are here, and I wanna go to grad school here, and I love this place even though it is so hard to get by in. I dunno. Maybe I'll have to leave, too, if I continue to slither on and on.

I finally called my old counselor and friend in California and asked her to write me a recommendation for grad school. She says I would make an excellent social worker. She's always told me I should be a counselor or social worker or teacher, cuz I would be so good at it. She says being a social worker would be so perfect for me. I have been through so much in my life and have so much compassion for other people and I would fight so hard for them, and I am so committed to social justice for people of all walks of life, especially disenfranchised folks. I am sending her the recommendation forms tomorrow.

I also need to send out my mail-order prescription for the Metformin my doctor prescribed to help me lose weight. My dad insists on taking me to buy shoes tomorrow. I asked for the shoes for Christmas, but yesterday while I was running errands, I felt something weird through the sole of my shoe and discovered that the sole has been worn right through. The shoes are only 1 1/2 years old, but I guess they wore out due to how much I walk. So, he's gonna get me my Christmas present early. I am glad to be able to see him. I need support. I don't feel well mentally.

sanningen

i saw my friends mireille and jessica last night. we met at moby's teahouse, "teany". mireille is visiting from cali. jessica lives here, but i hadn't seen her in a year. i wanna hang out with her much more from now on!

yeah, so both credit cards are now officially completely maxed out. i'm in more debt than i've ever been in before. well, actually, i was in as much debt after college graduation due to maxing out my credit card while living in london and having the full amount of my student loans waiting for me to start paying back. do i NOW regret quitting my job in august? the answer remains NO!!!!!!!! as soon as i get another temp gig and (hopefully) get to keep it for a while, i can start paying the credit cards off in chunks bigger than the minimum monthly payments. i wanna pay them off as soon as possible. if i keep living super-frugally and work full time plus keep selling on ebay, i can have them paid off by next fall. my family is not gonna get much for christmas from me. i'm still waiting for the goddamn check from the state of new york to come!!! it's a big chunk of money!!!!!

i continue veggin' out. my body feels better. my jeans are already feeling looser. i'm not eating any less than i did before, though. i really need to lose A LOT of weight. according to my body mass index, i am close to being "morbidly obese", which is weird. i've been a vegetarian for almost 15 years. i don't even KNOW HOW to drive, so i have never been a "sit on your ass in a car to get everywhere" kind of person. and like most new yorkers, i walk A LOT and VERY BRISKLY, sometimes having to RUN if i'm late or trying to catch a bus. so why the fuck am i so heavy? i think it really is the goddamn dairy products. my body must automatically store them as fat cuz it can't process them correctly. it must REALLY not be able to process them correctly for me to get this fat! i read that most africans and native americans are lactose intolerant. i have a lot of that blood in me! also, all of that scandinavian blood and the native american blood causes me to be really bad at processing alcohol. it makes me sick very easily. i can't get shitfaced drunk like some people can. i get really sick far before i can get that inebriated. i want to go back down to a weight that is at the upper end of the "healthy weight" spectrum for my height, because i was meant to be voluptuous, not thin. i wanna get back to the size i was in college. i continue to lose my taste for cheese. i stopped drinking milk like, 10 years ago so giving up milk is not a problem.

tack och varsågod

thanksgiving was pretty good. unfortunately, there were no vegan options at the place after all, so it was either starve or eat the stuff with cheese in it. i have noticed that my skin is clearer since i stopped the dairy. i kinda lost my taste for cheese. the stuff was good, but i didn't salivate over it like i used to be when i ate cheese. good. i hope i continue to lose my taste for cheese.

i've been haunted by a video i watched on the peta website. i should not have watched it. it was a video taken undercover at a fur factory where foxes were living torturous lives. like, i should not watch those things. they need to be watched by people who are desensitized to cruelty against animals, not people who are already VERY sensitized to cruelty to animals. the part that haunts me the most was the scene of a fox being killed by electrocution. they stuck an electical prod up the fox's anus and then put a conductor in his mouth. that was it, and the fox was suddenly dead. this precious, beautiful child of god (all animals are children of god, not just humans) was treated like a lump of material and his life taken in a cold, calculated instant, and the hidden camera was right in front of his face when the instantaneous death occurred. it was so horrible! i will forever be haunted by that image. i will never watch another animal cruelty video. such things should only be viewed by people who need a shock like that to get it into their pea brains how cruel the fur industry and meat industry are.

pengar!

i am making beaucoup bucks on ebay. i am about to dump a shitload more of auctions on there tonight. i really need this money.

i am on the rag and suffering from bad cramps. i stayed in bed all day, riding atop my crimson tide.

going to the temp agency tomorrow to get the third check. the second one was sent to me and i hope to get it in the mail tomorrow.

going to the post office at times square to mail out a couple of box sets that were paid for yesterday and today. looking forward to more positive feedback from buyers as their packages arrive to them. :)

keep lighting candles and praying for the arrival of love in my life.

we're going out to dinner at a restaurant on thursday. they supposedly have vegan options. right now, i feel like a peanut butter and honey sandwich and some cold soy milk. i know...honey is not vegan. i told you i'm an "almost vegan"! hey vegan police, go back to your precinct!

jag drömde om alex igår kväll

i had a good day. i hung out with my dad all day. he gets sundays and mondays off. i opened a new york bank account and deposited my first paycheck in. i sent off a bunch of dvds that i sold on ebay. i chilled out with my dad. i flaked on volunteering with the dog therapy organization tonight, though. i couldn't bring myself to go all the way to the upper west side and then have to commute all the way home from there at 9:30. i just didn't have it in me today.

the color i'm writing with now is close to the color of alex's eyes. they were hazel. there's no word for hazel eyes in swedish. such eyes are called "mixed-color". it says "mixed-color" on his birth certificate (but in swedish, of course). i told alex that in english, eyes like his have their own special name: hazel. he thought that was really cool. i was just blogging yesterday or the day before about how i hardly ever dream about him. i dreamt about him last night! before i went to bed, i read my journal from the whole period of time from before i met him in person to when i was waiting for a visa to immigrate there. i felt the tenderness so freshly when i read the words i wrote about him and about us. then he was in my dream after i fell asleep. he was in a wheelchair, post-stroke. i kissed him and kissed him and kissed him and held him and walked next to him as he wheeled around. we were totally together. it was so great! i love dreaming about him! i feel like i get to physically be with him again during such dreams. but my dreams of him are so rare. my emotional unfinished business takes up the majority of space in my dreaming, unfortunately. dreaming of alex is a rare treat. in my journal from back before his stroke, i wrote about how i kept dreaming of singing to him. i had forgotten about that, but now i remember those dreams. i had them on so many nights during the period i stayed with him in the fall and winter of 2003. i would hold him and sing softly to him in the dreams. there was this incredible feeling of love in the dreams. such intense love of a caliber i'd never felt before. love given and received freewillingly. love soaking into every crevace of our beings, totally fluid with no barriers. such intense dreams! i remember that i also broke down and sobbed in front of alex a couple of times during that fall and winter. i sobbed so hard. i was just overcome with emotion. i felt so much for him that it made me cry, and when i cried like that, he would hug me. when alex hugged me, it was like the most phenomenal healing medicine. i had never before had a reaction to a hug like that. i couldn't explain in words why i was crying, and he had no words to comfort me, only his wonderful embrace. god, i miss the talking to him for hours and hours and hours about everything under the sun. i remember him making me laugh so hard with his great sense of humor. how damn sweet and kind and patient and open-hearted and warm he was. all these little things he did or said that would totally melt my heart. he treated me like the most precious person in the world to him. he didn't treat me like that by just saying it or buying me a rose or something. he treated me like that in all sorts of ways, many so small but so meaningful. they were like breathing oxygen for him, these ways of treating me so preciously. these ways of treating me were totally natural to him like a life-sustaining reflex. god, i miss him so much. i am so damn lucky i met him before he passed away. i am so damn lucky for the time i had with him. no one knew at the time, but his heart had been a ticking time bomb for years, and i met him within months of that heart disease finally causing his stroke, and then taking his life six months later. i had come into his life at the end, though i didn't know that until he died. i gave him the gift of knowing love and sharing love. he gave me the same gift. the last big gift of his life was one that totally transformed another human being forever. i know that he died a transformed person because of me too. i've told alex's spirit several times that when it's my turn to pass to nangijala, i want him to be right there with his hand outstretched, to help me through to the other side. i know he'll be there. he'll help me cross over. i'm not so scared of dying anymore. i can't be so scared of going to a olace where alex is, even though that place remains a mystery to me. if alex is okay there, i am okay there. i just got my new york state id card, and i am signed up as an organ donor. i told my dad tonight that i want him to make sure that all my organs are donated if i croak before he does. i told him that i want my heart donated to someone with alex's heart disease, dilated cardiomyopathy, so that their life can be saved. i want this so strongly that i want to find out about writing a will instructing that this be done upon my death. the doctors said alex was too weak to get a heart transplant, due to the horrible stroke he'd suffered. if only they had found out about his heart problem before the stroke, they could have done something.

i can't post a fucking picture of alex on here for some reason, and it's pissing me off! there is some sort of glitch. i will post it later i guess. he was half-swedish/half-greek, and every bit as gorgeous as you'd imagine a man with such a mix would be! i'm so glad i saw him in my dream last night. i've felt such peace all day because of it.

har gjort ingenting idag

i've been in bed all day, just like yesterday. i was supposed to go to the javits center with the adoption van. i flaked out. i was supposed to see my dad and sister. i flaked out. i was supposed to go to the main post office and mail out the stuff i sold on ebay. i flaked out. i ate blueberry waffles for a meal at around 10 a.m. i slept poorly last night. i haven't eaten since i had the waffles. i took my anti-depressants and my metformin and my flax seed oil. i haven't showered. my apartment is a total mess. i've cried all day. i am so incredibly and desperately lonely. i envy friends who have partners. sometimes i wonder if i'll be alone for the rest of my life. i finally found someone i could love who could love me back, and he wasn't only taken from me but from this earth. i feel like i'm being punished for something. i feel like god punishes me. like, i think that i finally have found something great, but god whips me as hard as possible, and says to me, "no, you stupid bitch. you can't have that. i am taking it away." sometimes i wonder if god hates me. i'm not good enough to have someone in my life who stays in my life and loves me and accepts my love. i'll never have that, i fear deep down. i try so hard most of the time to believe that god will give me something good finally and not take it away. i try so hard to be spiritual in a good way. i even pray to alex that he help me find someone to be with because i know he wants that for me as much as i want it for myself. i know alex is always on my side. but sometimes i wonder if god is. why did god take alex? why? and why am i stuck here now like this? why have i had such bad experiences at jobs here? and just when i found a job i liked, i was suddenly dumped. it's like, i know god wants me to go through this stuff to make me stronger, but HOW STRONG DO I HAVE TO BE?!?!?!?!? HAVEN'T I TAKEN ENOUGH TESTS FOR NOW?!?!?!? WHY CAN'T I HAVE SOMETHING REALLY GOOD AND GET TO KEEP IT?!?!?!?!?!? WHY?!?!?!?!?!? HAVEN'T I ALREADY PROVEN HOW STRONG I CAN BE?!?!?!? I AM SICK OF HAVING TO PROVE IT TO GOD AND TO EVERYONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!! god, don't send anyone into my life unless they can stay, unless they can love me and stay with me for the rest of my life. I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE HEARTBREAK. WHY CAN'T YOU SEND ANOTHER ANGEL TO ME AND ALLOW HIM TO STAY?!?!?!?!? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ALONE?????? I'M AT THE BRINK, GOD. I'M AT THE BRINK. THROW ME A BONE. PLEASE.

i want so much to love and be loved. i want it so much that i'm in physical pain and i haven't been out of bed all weekend. i can't have alex. i can't have alex anymore because he's dead and all i can have with him is a spiritual relationship. andy is the only other person i've ever loved and my heart is breaking as i think about him because it's not fair that he is alive and physically able to be with me on this earth but i will never be with him again because he won't ever be able to do it. he'll never be able to go there with me. it's not fair that god challenged me so much to learn how to love and let someone in, but god didn't require that of andy and he's still emotionally closed off. and i may never meet another person that i love so much. one man i love loves me very much in return but he's dead and the other man is alive but is dead in that there's no pulse in his emotional heart for me. i keep putting my stethoscope on andy's heart hoping to hear the incredible beat, but there is none. he won't let me hear it, not me, not me. he can't bring himself to let me hear it. it's too much for him to bear; he must feel like he would break apart to make himself so vulnerable to someone whose love wants to glide around inside every part of him. my recurring dreams about him are about me trying desperately to talk to him and be with him, and the more i try to be close, the more he runs away. in the recurring dreams, his mother invites me over to their house, which is warm and inviting and full of wonderful old memories of andy and me playing together as small children. she invites me over, she nurtures me and cares for me. there's food and music and love. and i love her and i love her son, but he moves away as i advance towards him. i am perpetually seeking him out. then i wake up over and over during the night and i never get enough sleep and i'm always tired. i don't dream much about alex. alex doesn't haunt me. alex is always with me, open to me, loving me with his spirit warming me constantly. i don't have unfinished business with him. i feel at peace with him. the people i dream about the most are the ones i have the unfinished business with. andy was the most important person in my childhood. he keeps haunting me, haunting me. he was my first love. my love for him keeps haunting me. it has always haunted me, but it was a quiet haunting in the background for most of my twenties. now it is so loud. i really hope i meet an incredible, open, loving man soon. i want that man to be the third love of my life. i want him to be the one who both shares the deep down spaces with me and stays with me. i want him to be the one who neither hides his heart from me nor dies on me. i pray with all of my heart for him to come soon because i am bursting at the seams, and i can't go on like this. andy will never be able to make himself vulnerable enough with me. never. it's like, the feelings are too intense and my connection to him is way too old and filled with so much stuff from our growing-up years and it gets to his very core like some sort of itch he can't scratch and he'll never face and embrace me. i know this in my spirit because he is also my soulmate like alex is, and my soul knows what's going on in his, no matter where he is or how long it's been since i've physically seen him. i've been talking to his soul and i have been receiving things back from his soul because i have had these realizations about his experience with me that i never even had any idea about. souls talk and give love freely but the people they're housed in can chain themselves down and not be able to budge. that is one of the biggest causes of heartbreak in the world. andy has broken my heart a million times in that way.

okay, i will keep praying that someone comes into my life. at least i have blue to help me get through this. i would be lost if i hadn't gotten her back and i were going through all this shit. blue is physically my teddy bear and spiritually my guardian bear spirit. alex gave her to me when he was sick in the hospital. she is the most treasured gift i've ever received, and i lost her on the subway last month. i was completely devastated. i know that alex whispered constantly in the soul's ear of the person who found her, and that person took her to the subway lost-and-found. i lost a little blue bear in a city of 8 million people and alex helped her come back to me. that's love.

jag är en dålig kvinna

i was upset last night, so i went and bought a pint of rum and a diet coke, and put half the rum and all of the diet coke together and got trashed and then ordered pizza and cheese sticks from pizza hut and ate all the cheese sticks and ate half the pizza and fucked up my whole goddamn diet and my attempts not to drink anymore. now i feel like shit, and i had spent the most of the last $20 bill i had on the goddamn food. i ate the rest of the pizza this morning, and threw the other half of the rum down the drain.

i am still fucking broke, but i just got one of my paychecks and am going to pick up the second one on monday morning and then go to a bank and open an account. a bunch of my ebay sales just ended and some of the buyers payed me immediately, so i transferred money from paypal into my old bank account. and when the others pay me, i will transfer another lump into the new account. and hopefully the goddamn state of new york will pay me that phat replacement check ASAP.

i feel lonely and i wish i had alex here but he is dead and can only be with me in spirit, and i miss having him living physically here with me, so that i can look into his eyes and have sparks fly and hold him and hear his voice. i miss the experience of being close to a living person. that is why i write too much about men. my life does not actually revolve around men, though it might seem like it from this blog. i don't have any living person to share all the love in my heart with, and my heart is bursting at the seams! it hurts so much!

lastly, i decided not to write any thank you e-mails to the bosses who did not have the courtesy or professionalism to say one damn word to me about abruptly letting me go. i am sick of fakely acting grateful to people who treat me like shit, just because they are in a position of power and i might "regret" it someday if i "burn bridges" or don't leave "amiably". i am not going to e-mail them anything at all. they don't deserve anything from me, the way they behaved yesterday. my sister says i should write them thank-yous because those people may have influence over me in the future somehow. well, i am fucking sick of kissing ass and being fake in fear of people using their power negatively over me. you know, i left my last permanent position in august because i had suffered over a year of working under one of the most verbally and emotionally abusive people i have ever met...and i was told not to say or write anything to her about why i was leaving, because she might use her power to retaliate, and she might have influence over my future in some way someday. so people, such as my family members, scared me into not "burning bridges" by telling the truth about why i was leaving, so i remained silent out of fear of her power.

I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF PEOPLE IN POWER WHO DON'T BEHAVE APPROPRIATELY, AND I REFUSE TO LET MYSELF BE COWED AND SILENCED BY THEM ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT GOING TO WRITE FUCKING THANK-YOUS TO THESE PEOPLE WHO DUMPED ME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SICK OF PLAYING "NICE GIRL". I WANT TO BE SOMEONE WHO STANDS UP FOR HERSELF AND IS COURAGEOUS IN THE FACE OF THREATS. THAT'S WHO I AM NOW. THAT IS WHO I AM, AND I WILL FIGHT TO MOVE UP IN THE WORLD NO MATTER WHAT THE POWERS THAT BE TRY TO DO. I AM GONNA KICK FUCKING ASS. DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. AND MOHANDAS GANDHI DID NOT DO THEIR AMAZING WORK BY COWING TO THE POWERS THAT BE. THEY FOUGHT NON-VIOLENTLY FOR THEMSELVES AND THEIR PEOPLE AND THEIR BELIEFS, AND THAT IS THE KIND OF PERSON I WANT TO BE AND AM MAKING MYSELF BECOME.

arbetets slut

no, the word "slut" above does not mean "whore". it is a swedish word that means "stop" or "end". don't get any ideas, now! :)

well, you won't believe what happened to me today. my temp agency called me at work at 1:30 p.m. and told me that i was not needed at the neonatal icu anymore, and my last day was today. my bosses had said NOTHING to me about this!!! and you know what? they didn't say ANYTHING to me about it (or anything to me in general) for the rest of the day! i heard through the grapevine from two colleagues who have good hearing that i was let go because they don't have enough work for me to warrant having me there after all. i can see that they don't have enough work for me, and i understand having to let me go. but, they didn't have the courage or consideration to say anything to me at all about letting me go! it fucking sucks! so, my temp agency person understands how fucked up this is, since this was supposed to be a long-term assignment of at least six months, and she is going to find me another gig asap. i really, really hope to get something very soon! i need money!!! well, i am sad to leave the colleagues who were so great to me, the nurses, the babies, the different folks of all kinds that i was in contact with... i'll miss the hospital itself. everything. but that's the way it goes. my boss couldn't look me in the face when i left work today, but i am going to e-mail her and my other boss and thank them for the experience, because i am the better person, and i am more courageous, and i won't shrink away from this. it was a shock to be let go so abruptly and seemingly callously, but i just have to look ahead and not be too upset. something else will work out.

magistersexamen

so, things are okay. the job is okay. one of the women i work for (but who ISN'T one of my actual bosses) is proving to be a challenging case in that she is very abrupt and brusque and operates on the belief that other people can't do things right and she has to watch them to see if they make a mistake. i am trying to stand up to her, calmly and assertively. today i did a pretty good job of it!

i sent off the materials for my old art professor to write recs for me. i need to call my old school counselor and ask her to write one for me, too. tomorrow, i hope to get paid. then i will open a new york bank account on saturday. i really hope to get a replacement check for the retroactive paycheck that i had lost on the subway along with my bear, and which i had therefore cancelled. bureaucracy up the ass. i hate dealing with government entities! it's been over a month since i requested a replacement check. i also never got my new york state id card in the mail, so i called them and they are supposedly sending another one. and as for my temp agency, i never received my very first paycheck which i requested to be mailed to me. so i have to tell them that tomorrow when i pick up the other check and hand in this week's timesheet. i have NO money of my own, and it's been like this for weeks! one of my credit cards is maxed out, and the other one is almost maxed out. i DESPERATELY need income! i am getting a bit from my ebay sales, but not enough for me to get by on. I NEED MONEY!!!!!!!!!!! thankfully, i have enough food in the house, and i have my monthly metrocard. that's all i need.

the mostly-vegan thing is going well so far. i feel better. i am eating nutritious foods and getting plenty of protein, calcium, iron and b-12. however...today has been a naughty day. i slipped and had a cupcake this afternoon at the hospital. i had a sugar high and then crashed terribly. i don't consume much sugar at all, so my body is like, "what the fuck?" and... i admit that i just had some m & m's. now i'm not hungry for dinner, which is bad cuz i have brussels sprouts and broccoli waiting in the fridge! maybe i will make them anyway, and not eat them. i can have them for lunch tomorrow, and for a meal on saturday as well. tomorrow night, i would like to have pasta with tomato basil sauce and olives. i bought this fake grated parmesan cheese that actually tastes better (to me) than the real grated parmesan cheese (kraft in the green cylindrical packaging). silk nog is already in the grocery stores. i have some. it's so good! yes, i am being naughty and drinking it right now. god, but do i have a sweet tooth today! next week, i dunno where we are gonna have thanksgiving dinner. i told my family straight up that i need a vegan or almost-vegan option available. i also told them that i want us to go to a place that serves the more humanely raised turkeys (though i'd prefer their abstaining from turkey all together). regular factory-farmed turkeys that you find in the supermarket have lives and deaths of UNBELIEVABLE AGONY. it has been documented!!!!!!!!

okay, i am gonna tell you something that happened to me on monday. i took the day off to go see my doctor for a follow-up to the physical exam i had a month ago. my doctor is really cute. he has a spanish last name, and i dunno if he is plain ol' spanish-american, biracial half-latino/half-white, or just plain european-looking latino. he has very thick hair that's a deep dark brown. he is not balding at all. he has great hair. he has hazel/brown eyes. they are pretty, and he has a sweet, handsome face all around. he's probably a few inches taller than i am. he has one of those masculinely voluptuous bodies that i am so attracted to. he's so cute. he's probably in his mid to late 30's. okay. so, he's really cute. he's also very nice and a very good doctor. he's also my dad's doctor, and my sister's seen him too. okay. so, my doctor and i chat it up every time i go see him. on monday, the first thing he asked me was how things were going with trying to find a job. i told him the good news. he was really happy. we were all chatty and smiling and looking in each others' eyes the whole time (except for when he needed us to be quiet so that he could read my blood pressure). yeah, the looking deep in each others' eyes and the smiling. there is chemistry between us, and it was stronger than ever before on monday. SHIT!!!!!!!! why do i keep having chemistry with UNAVAILABLE MEN?!?!?!?!?!? damn! i also have chemistry with my friend's brother-in-law, who has a GIRLFRIEND!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! i am sick of it. i don't want chemistry unless i can do something about it!!!!!!! my therapist told me that i don't have to count someone out because he is my health care provider. if i developed a thing for him, i would just find another doctor so that he and i could be together with no weirdness. i know my therapist was just trying to tell me that there's nothing inherently wrong with the attraction i have with my doctor, and that i don't have to feel guilty or dirty about it. okay, so i am trying not to feel bad about it, but i am not gonna allow myself to pursue him. if things happen between us, then fine. but i am not gonna seek him out. it's really nice to feel that warm chemistry with someone, though! it's kinda weird to feel chemistry with someone who's seen my boobs and other parts of me uncovered in the context of a medical exam! oh, well. i am trying not to feel weird and guilty about it! i am trying to accept my attraction. so, yeah. i have had two instances of mutual attractions with men in the past few months. before that, there was nothing. i know that the attractions are a sign of my journey into a new stage of grief over alex. i am moving into a place where i can both continue to love alex deeply, and also think about having a relationship with a living person again. i want to have a relationship again. i want to have that experience again. alex wants me to have it, too, but he wants me to have it with the best living man in the whole world! so, maybe it takes time to find such a man. he'll appear when the time is right, and i know alex will be happy for me! you see, alex truly, truly loves me with all his heart and spirit. he wants the best for me. i want the exact same for him. you see, i love alex so very, very much. the fact that my next relationship is gonna be awesome and loving and wonderful is a testament to how much i learned about what love really is from alex. my relationship with alex, when he was alive, helped me grow into the kind of person who can truly love and be loved. now, my love for his spirit enriches me on and on. my future partner won't be jealous that i continue to love alex. he will be appreciative of alex for enriching my heart and spirit so much to make me into the person who will love my future partner so deeply.

i sprained my wrist somehow. it hurts like hell. i need to put an ace bandage around it. typing on the computer is probably not helping it. gotta go. bye!

rock the fuck out!

i am in a rock-out phase. tower records is going out of business and they have a huge sale of all their inventory. i got three cds on sunday: the beatles' white album, a david bowie "anthology", and van halen's first album. i totally rock out during the rare times that i have time to myself nowadays. i've been having van halen in my subconscious mind for quite some time now. they were in my dream a month or so ago (it was the roth-era van halen). now i have their album. i always thought eddie van halen was cute. i looked at pictures of him the other day, and i thought, "this guy has something other than white in him". then i looked him up on wikipedia and found out that he and his brother are half-dutch, half-indonesian. i knew it! i am really enjoying bowie too. i'm really jonesing for jimi hendrix, too, but all of his albums were gone by the time i was there. i also want really good samba music. all gone!

the job is good. it can be stressful and frustrating at times, but i try to be assertive and i take my meds every day. no job is perfect. my future career as a social worker will have hard times, too. i will have hard times in the future no matter what job i have. everyone has good and bad in their jobs. my past two jobs were barely good and REALLY bad, but this job is mostly good and has moments of bad. i wanna keep a positive attitude about it. i wanna have a good experience there.
i am gonna spend tomorrow evening working on my grad school apps. i have less than three months to complete them. that is my project for the autumn and winter. finishing the app! all i have to do is write my personal statement and get three references. it is scary because it's such a big deal to finally know what to go to grad school for, and actually apply for it. a door to a dream is right here, and i have to cross the threshold. i've put my first foot across. now i have to make it all the way through to the room of a bona fide future social work student.

barnsjukhuset

so, i had my first two days at work. they went well. i like the hospital. i like the people i work with. i like being on the front lines, where the people i'm helping (the premature babies and their families) are right there, not removed from me. it is a very busy hospital, and people are buzzing around like bees, but most people who work there love what they do and think it's very meaningful, and they are respected for their work. there are really friendly folks there. i feel like i am becoming part of a team. i really like that! so, i am the assistant to the director of nursing in the neonatal intensive care unit. i like the director a lot so far. there are resident social workers in the neonatal icu, and i met one of them on friday. she said to come on down and talk to them whenever i have a break. i will love to hear about how school was for her and how working at a hospital is going for her. i think i would want to work in a hospital as my first gig after i get my degree. and i would rather work in a children's hospital. i might even get a gig at the hospital i work at now, and i think it would be really good to have connections through this assignment i'm doing now. yeah! :)

saturday was the observance of all soul's day in sweden. alex's family went to the cemetery and lit candles at his grave and left flowers there. his brother anders lit a candle there for me. his mom sent me pictures of it. that's what the picture at the top of the post is. i really hope that by next summer, i will be in a situation with my credit card where i can charge a ticket to sweden on it. i hope to pay off as much as i can on the thing between now and then. my take-home pay from this temp gig is gonna be more than the take-home pay from my last job! i am gonna get paid more than ever before! yay! so, i really wanna live super-frugally and keep selling stuff on ebay and use that money to pay off as much of my credit card as possible. i don't think i am gonna go work at the doggy gym after all. it's too much work and not enough pay. so, i really hope to be in sweden for alex's birthday and deathday next june. i sooooo want to be there and see his family! i love them!

well, i need to get up and go get ready to leave the house, cuz i have to go do the adoption van event with the animal shelter. afterwards, i'm gonna meet up with my family and we are gonna go to this restaurant that has yummy organic food at a very good price, and has vegan options for moi!!! :)