Lycka Till

I got accepted by Columbia University yesterday! It is not my first choice school, but it gives me hope that I will be accepted by Hunter College (my first choice). I know. You are wondering how I am going to pay for graduate school. F-I-N-A-N-C-I-A-L A-I-D. Even though Hunter is way cheaper than Columbia or Fordham, I wonder if they will give me a much worse financial aid package. That's what happened with undergrad. The public schools gave me shitty packages and the private schools gave me almost a full ride. I dunno what to do. I will sort it out over the weekend and call Columbia Financial Aid on Monday. How can I truly say yes or no to Columbia unless I know how much F.A. they are giving me...and how much Hunter will give me (if they accept me?) Woe is me!

I got another temp assignment that starts tomorrow. This one is actually supposed to last two months (if I don't get myself dumped from it somehow). It's at one of NYC's music venues. I would be doing Microsoft Office stuff. Nothing fancy or fun. I don't care about fancy or fun. I care about steady paycheck and non-abusive work environment and decent commute. That's all I ask for. The commute would be a tad bit over an hour, and I would not have to change trains. Beautiful!!!

Wish me luck...I tend to cry under lots of stress, and I have now cried twice at temp jobs due to stress. I was lucky enough to not get in trouble for it either time, but in the future, I might not be so lucky. If, at the new temp job, I feel like I am going to lose it, I must remove myself from the situation and get fresh air and calm down. I feel like such a freakoid. I live in this city full of cutthroat, cold, tough, hurrying people, and I feel like this little mewling kitten amongst the stampede. Ugh. I just cannot be all tough and thick-skinned and all of that. It's just not me. So, I must leave a really crazy situation so that I can calm down. That's the only way for me to survive.

[inga]

i hadn't been volunteering with the animal shelter for months. i finally volunteered yesterday. there's a new dog named whitney. she's a 10-month-old great pyranees mix. she was very skittish at first, but she warmed up as i handled her. i think her first human had abused her. :( she'll never be abused again, though. from now on, it'll be all love and cuddles. i wish i could adopt her. i really bonded with her. she would make a great therapy dog. when she's not feeling skittish, she's very, very calm. she's also beautiful. she's a big ball of white fur, and she is going to be a very large dog when she finishes growing. i am going to volunteer for them every weekend from now on like i used to.

for the past three weeks, i have had temporary assignments. yay! i don't yet have one for this week, but i am hoping to get one. i'm going to one of the temp agencies today to talk to someone about how to handle different job situations. it's part of their support of us temps. i love that agency. i pray and pray that i get another assignment for the rest of this week. i need the money desperately!!!

i haven't been talking to either my mother or sister for over a month. they have been negative and emotionally abusive figures in my life, and i have had it. they need to relearn how to treat me. until then, i don't want to talk to them. the last straw was when my sister found out i didn't have health insurance anymore, and started screaming at me at the top of her lungs. i got up and left and haven't talked to her since. they might think i am just temporarily giving them the silent treatment, but i'm not. this is serious. i don't want to fucking talk to them. i am sick of the family dynamics that have been in place my whole life. i will no longer have a part of them.

i am still e-mailing back and forth with english boy every day. things have calmed down. i think he knows we're not "the one" for each other. but...we are dear friends and will probably remain so for a long time, if not forever. thank god he's not "the one". i need for "the one" to live in my goddamn CITY, let alone my country. no more immigrating to other countries. once was enough to last me the rest of my life.

i am still waiting to hear from the schools about whether or not i got in. i hope i did! i really, really hope so! if i can't go to grad school here, i might leave new york altogether. it's too hard here. life for me here has been one big fucking struggle after another. other places are not so hard to live in. so...my plan b is to leave. i have family and friends here, and i've gotten used to this place as being my home, but if i can't make it here, i will have to go.

i am really bad at talking to people, especially over the phone. i often don't have it in me to talk to anyone. i just need to be alone. i feel like i am in a chrysalis. i feel like i am packed away in a state of transformation. i hope that no one takes it personally that i am packed away. this is just what i need now. i need to do this to change into the next phase of life. i think i will come out as a bigger person.

i am addicted to half-sour pickles and bi-bim-bop. just wanted to share that.