the whales and harlem

my hometown is close to the sacramento river, where the mother and baby whales were swimming these past few weeks. i remember when humphrey came up the river when i was a little kid. i didn't get to go see him (my parents were probably really busy and couldn't take us), but they bought me a children's book that was written about him. i still have it. i so wish i could have seen the mother and baby whales. whales have been big on my mind recently, due to the IWC meeting going on in alaska. i've written and written letters to the japanese and icelandic governments to ask them to stop whaling. i've asked other countries to keep the moratorium up and close the loophole that is allowing "scientific research" whaling (commercial whaling in disguise) to go on despite the moratorium. i hope some people have put two and two together concerning the mother and baby whales and the plight of all whales on the planet. we need to protect them ALL. no more whaling. no more environmental degradation. every day, i pray that the IWC meeting will come out on the side of the whales. the humane society international sent me a message today that the fourth largest japanese whale meat distributor is ceasing their distribution of whale meat IMMEDIATELY. this is great news!!! i hope the others follow suit. if there aren't distributors, then that puts a huge hole in the japanese whaling industry. it's weird how three of my favorite countries (japan, iceland and norway) are the worst whaling offenders. i want to tear them new bungholes, i swear. i pray and pray that the members of the IWC will do the right thing. anyway, i hope mother and baby are swimming along peacefully in the pacific, and that their wounds are healing. yeah, i definitely hope that some of these people who have been so in awe of the whales have been moved to start fighting for the rights of all of the whales of this planet. how can you want so badly for two whales to survive and then sit back and do nothing as thousands of other whales are murdered in the oceans every year? but, i see it all the time (e.g. people who might feel some sort of caring for a particular cow or pig but who support factory farming by eating meat). hello? what the fuck? don't you fucking get that you are helping cause the incredible suffering and murder of millions of animals every year by stuffing your face with meat? i don't understand the thought process of most humans when it comes to their beliefs about the place of humans and other species on this earth. NEWS FLASH: WE HUMANS DON'T OWN THIS EARTH, AND IT DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND US. WE ARE NOT SUPERIOR TO OTHER SPECIES. GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELVES, PEOPLE, AND STOP CONTRIBUTING TO THE HUGE AMOUNT OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION OF OTHER LIVES ON THIS EARTH. I AM SO SICK OF THE SELFISHNESS AND APATHY AND GREED THAT I SEE TEARING THE WORLD APART. AND YOU WONDER WHY I'M DEPRESSED? YOU'RE CRAZY IF THE STATE OF AFFAIRS ON THIS PLANET DOESN'T UPSET YOU!!!!

i have to move out between four and six weeks from now. i have started packing. no, i have not found a place to live, but i am working on it. i will find a really cool person in harlem who is looking for a roommate, and i'll move in, and they won't mind my matching chococat bathmat and toilet lid cover. yeah, that's my next big project. oh, and i calculated today that almost half of the cost of my education will be covered by my scholarship, my jobs, and the loan forgiveness program for licensed, practicing social workers that new york state has. yay!!! this totally cheers me up! i'm gonna do this. it's gonna work out. i already signed the promissory notes for my loans. i'm gonna move to harlem. i'm gonna sign up for comprehensive health insurance through the school. i am gonna register for classes. i am gonna begin my program!!!

In the Cool Bear Den

There are perks to living underground as I do. It's only moderately warm down here in my lair. I haven't turned the big air conditioning/fan unit on yet. I just have my little fan by my bed blowing air on me. All of the windows are closed to keep the warm air out. There is also a dehumidifier down here, which the family upstairs bought when I informed them last summer that a mold problem was forming in their basement. When the weather gets REALLY hot, however, not even the cool padding of earth surrounding my lair can keep this place comfortable. I don't look forward to that.

I continue to read my big book. I'm listening to Celia Cruz's older stuff. Yup, on my cassette deck. I haven't listened to one CD since I got this baby. Yesterday, I went to check on my sister's cats (she's gone for the long weekend). No, I'm still not on speaking terms with her, but I have no beef with her cats. I'll go over there if she's not there. Good thing I went over there; it was stifling in there when I arrived, and the poor kitties were spread eagle in their respective snoozing spots. I immediately turned on the A/C. Soon, my dad came over so that we could spend the day in each other's company. The heat made me too tired to do anything. I laid with my pantlegs rolled up and my limbs strewn across my sister's bed reading my book as the A/C blew somewhat cold air into her apartment. Meanwhile, my dad sat watching "Kill Bill" (BOTH volumes). At around 8 p.m., we ordered Thai food for dinner. I had broad noodles sauteed in black soy sauce with chinese broccoli and mock duck. Simple, not too heavy.

Later today, I am going to make a nice meal that I've been planning for a few days. I will make sushi rice in my rice cooker, form the sushi rice into rectangular pillows which surround strips of cucumber and avocado, and sprinkle shiso fumi furikake on each pillow. I will insert each pillow into a bean curd pouch. I also wanted to make broccoli tempura, but I realized that I am almost all out of canola oil. I cannot buy the kind of canola oil I want in this neighborhood, unfortunately. I use expeller-pressed canola oil.

I can see Haruki Murakami's influence on my writing. The main character Toru Okada has a habit of winding everyday mundane tasks delicately and smoothly into his story. He describes cooking and trying to keep cool in the heat (among many other things), as I've done above. I feel a lot in common with Toru. He is a 30-year-old who just up and quit his job, and in his state of unemployment he feels that he can finally get to know himself and the world in a way he never had time or energy to before. Last August's break from "stable" employment was not my first "up and quit" experience; I seem to have gone through several experiences of just quitting everything I'm doing in my life and starting fresh. Usually, it involves moving to a new place, though, and that act of moving takes up a lot of time and energy. Last summer, I did not move. All I changed was my employment situation, and that change was the catalyst for so much more. Since I did not move, I was able to have a lot of time and energy to spend on myself. Even though I'm now in temporary work assignments and don't have all of my time free, I'm still in the midst of whatever it is that's happening to me. Since quitting last August, I just feel more true to who I really am. I think I have better been able to differentiate between who others have TOLD ME I am, and who I REALLY am. I used to think that what others thought I was was who I was. Since different people had different opinions of me, I was always confused. Was I the weak, oversensitive fuck-up that my mother and sister and different so-called "friends" have treated me as being? Was I the strong, brave, compassionate person that my dad and my true friends have treated me as? I need to find out who the fuck I really am. Truly, WHO AM I? I am in the middle of finding that out, and it seems like the people who have been the most supportive of me are the ones who understand me best. A big part of why I am not talking to my mother and sister is that I have realized I am not who they have treated me as being, and that the way they have treated me my whole life has been really fucked up and abusive. I don't know if they will ever see me for who I really am, but they sure won't be able to if I myself don't know who I really am. I'm on a path of finding out who I really am. It might take the rest of my life. But at least I am now consciously working hard to find out, instead of wallowing in confusion. At least I am asserting myself more and more as a human being with the right to be respected and treated with dignity. It's a long process, but at least I'm in it. I feel like Toru Okada is figuring out who the hell he is, too. I feel like all of the characters in the book are doing that in some way. I think it's a central theme of the book. I can't put the book down. I will be so sad when it is finished. I'm about halfway through, but I feel like I have delved into a much deeper space than I delve into after reading the entirety of many books. In short, this is one of the best works of fiction I've ever read.

I haven't had any alcohol for a few days, even at my Bronx friend's party. She was making mojitos (my favorite drink), but I resisted. I have a problem with abusing alcohol. Some people can casually drink alcohol from time to time. I used to be like that. I can't be like that now. I have to totally stay away from it. It's hard. It's been a part of my life for so long. But I have to keep away. I found Stewart's Diet Black Cherry soda at the deli near my sister's place. It doesn't taste like diet soda. It's really nice and flavorful. I can focus my thoughts on yummy sodas, nutritious juices and smoothies, water, tea, and other good things. Chocolate soy milk. These will be my "lemon drops".

I asked my dad which sodas they had down in South Carolina while he was growing up. He listed the following: Coke, Pepsi, RC Cola, Hires, A & W, Canada Dry, and Nehi. He says that perhaps all of the different special soda brands that I found in Cowtown, California were regional sodas. Maybe they were sold more in the West or Midwest or something? Maybe Stewart's and Boylan were sold more in the Northeast? Maybe Nehi was popular in the South? Anyway, my dad loves Grape Crush and RC Cola. Neither is easy to find, especially not up here. He also loves Hydrox cookies, which are no longer made. Yes, I also preferred Hydrox, as well as all of the other Sunshine Biscuits products compared to their Nabisco counterparts. Krispy saltines are better than Premium ones. Cheez-Its are better than Cheese Nips. I think the oyster crackers I used to love to put in my soup were made by Sunshine. Who made the arrowroot biscuits I used to love? I don't remember. I remember that my sister and I used to scrounge up change after school and go to the nearest soda machine to buy a Nesbitt's grape soda on warm days. I think the sodas cost 50 cents, which must have been more expensive than what they cost in the grocery store (as is true nowadays). Yup, I'm getting old enough to sigh as I think about the prices of things in my past. :)

I haven't had a dream about the soda shack for a little while. I did have a strange dream in which I think I had just died. At first I didn't know I was dead. I was with my family in our old house (I lived there from age 3 to age 9) We were very happy and floating through the air and laughing and singing, and I floated way up in a mess of giggles, until I heard my mother scream from down below. She was on the phone getting horrible news, and she was screaming. Then my dad started crying. I was way up above them floating. Then I realized I must be dead, and they were getting the news. Then I woke up. Then I thought about the screams of Alex's mother the morning of June 10, 2004, when she called me early in the morning. I was still sleeping in Alex's bed. Alex himself was in a rehabilitation hospital on the other side of Stockholm, where he spent weekdays. Weekends were spent at home with me. The weekday morning of the 10th was supposed to be like any other weekday morning. I would sleep in, then wake, shower, dress, eat, and hop on the Tunnelbana to go spend the day and evening with Alex at the hospital. But I didn't sleep late due to the ringing phone. I answered the phone to hear her screams. I just realized that ever since then, I often answer my phone with a bit of dread, scared that I will be met with screams informing me that someone else I love is gone.

I've gone on enough for today. Tomorrow it's back to the highrise on the edge of the water, where I'll do mundane work with the funny crabapple in the basement office. I just bought two high-quality pillows online. They're made of synthetic down. I did this because the shitty pillows that came with this lair are finally having an effect on my neck and shoulders. I haven't slept on a decent pillow since I lived in Alex's apartment. I also bought sheets and pillowcases in a kimono pattern. Yes, I shouldn't have bought them, but a person should have two sets of sheets, and I currently only have one fitted navy sheet that I got for like $5 at IKEA, let alone an actual sheet set. My sister got me a red comforter, a beautiful sakura pattern comforter cover and pillowcases last Christmas. Before that, I was using a ratty old quilt I'd borrowed from her and two mismatched pillowcases from my days living in the women's residence. I moved to New York City from Stockholm with only my luggage and a box. I'm slowly working on creating a life for myself here, including having a matching sheet set and decent pillows to sleep on. :)

Okay, back to my book and a bottle of iced unsweetened white tea with mint. Bye!

kolsyrad

it was hotter than a monkey's armpit today. i am currently temping near south street seaport. i was there today and yesterday, and i'll be there all of next week. i literally read books almost the entire time. i'm filling in for someone on vacation, and she must not have much to do at her job. what little she does do is either being done by the administrative assistant while she's gone, or is on the back burner until she comes back. this is what i've done in terms of work: put three small piles of documents through the shredder, cut a high pile of paper into fourths to be used as notepaper, answered about five phone calls while the admin asst. was on break, and that's about it. i'm not complaining, though. i have a very good book to read: the wind-up bird chronicle by haruki murakami. i am really, really digging the book. it's hard to put down. anyway, the admin. asst. at my temp assignment is this grumpy, disgruntled, middle-aged, balding, bespectacled irish-american man. he has some of the sharpest wit and biting sarcasm ever, and he makes up hilarious metaphors. he kvetches about many of his colleagues by using the above tools. i don't know how he makes up some of this stuff he says; his comic mind is just about genius. i laugh half the day, but i also feel sad, because behind the humor are his boredom and unhappiness. yeah, his job is pretty fucking boring, and he works in a basement. fuck. thank god he has such great humor! and he works very close to the water, which helps make it more bearable. i love going outside at lunch, letting the sun and wind wash over me. there are lots of benches outside of the building on which to sit and eat lunch. i didn't have that at the last temp assignment, which was in a stocky building that butted right up against the hustle and bustle of midtown. whenever i did take a lunch break (which wasn't often), i usually just ate it at my desk. anyway, my commute to this current assignment is from hell. yesterday, i took the j train in, but i swear that that train is the slowest subway line in the city. i was about to get up on the seat, screech like a squirrel, and do scratchiti on the friggin subway window with my fingernails after 45 minutes of stopping at every goddamn station as well as chugging along at 10 miles an hour between each of those closely-spaced stations. jesus! anyway, i took the friggin' express train today, even though it takes about 10 more minutes to get to my destination (because the express goes all the way through queens, midtown, and downtown manhattan while the j cuts through queens and brooklyn on a diagonal towards lower manhattan). at least on the express, it doesn't feel like the train driver is a sadist testing our patience and trying to break the world record of the slowest subway ride, like how riding the j feels. plus, there were some funky people on the j train. funky-smelling, i mean.

tomorrow night, i am going to a party that the girlfriend of my queens friend is throwing. i'd like to call the girlfriend my friend as well. she lives in the bronx. let's call her my friend in the bronx who is girlfriends with my queens friend. tomorrow during the day, i have to clean my lair. there are other things i have to do soon, too. it's a struggle. i often don't do all i plan to do. and vows to diet and stop drinking get broken over and over and over. i wish i could keep seeing my therapist but i just don't see where the money can come from. maybe i can figure something out. i think i would really benefit from going to see her again. i haven't been to her since like, december or january. yeah, i am still struggling with things. i want to quit drinking alcohol altogether, because it is still a problem for me. i haven't been doing so well on my diet the past few days. i feel like such a fuck-up. a lazy, slobby, weak fuck-up. i don't always eat right, i drink 3-4 times a week, i haven't looked much for scholarships, i haven't looked at all for a place to live in harlem. no, i am far from perfect, but i am really good at talking to other people who are far from perfect, and that is one reason why i am going to social work school in the fall.

lighter note: i got my cassette deck yesterday. it works well, though i have to turn up the volume on my stereo when using it (or anything "auxillary") because, though my stereo itself is awesome, it is a little bookshelf stereo and doesn't process input at 100%. also, since the stereo only has auxillary input (and no output), i cannot record from cds played on the stereo onto cassettes on my deck. shit! well, right now, i am listening to a mix of yvonne chaka chaka, lucky dube, and fela & afrika 70. yeah, i am going to be listening to my tapes all damn night. the title of this post means "carbonated" in swedish. this is because i hope to place my thirst for alcohol onto sodas instead. this is not just due to my recurring dreams about the soda shack. i developed a big beer-drinking problem while living in canada, and the problem followed me when i moved back to the states. at some point months later, i became fascinated by all of the different old-fashioned sodas that this one grocery in town had, and i decided to turn my beer obsession into soda obsession. it worked. i had a soda every evening after i came home from work, instead of one of those big, strong belgian ales that are like, 9% alcohol. i drank not just any soda, but a frostie blue cream or a faygo redpop or a grape nehi or a sioux city sarsaparilla or a moxie. i fuckin' LOVE IT. i haven't seen any classic sodas in new york city, except for boylan. why?!?!? it's so weird how i can find a plethora of classic sodas in a regular ol' grocery store in cowtown california, but i haven't seen them anywhere in new york city. yeah, these classic sodas have calories and they are bad for my teeth, but they are much better for me to drink than alcohol is. i have too much native american and scandinavian blood in me for alcohol to be able to sit well in my system. my body does NOT process alcohol well. i think i am somewhat allergic to it, if that's possible, and it's the people like me, with a genetic frailty concerning alcohol, who can find it easier to develop a problem with it. well, in the wind-up bird chronicle, the main character toru okada has taken up sucking lemon drops instead of smoking. if i can't find my special sodas readily available, i may have to find something else liquid to help get me off the booze. this morning i considered coffee, but i don't like the taste of coffee, nor do i like the way it makes my breath smell, and i am truly glad that caffeine is NOT one of my addictions. well, i could get obsessed with herbal teas, but it's the wrong season for that (i like my tea hot). i will think of something that i can use as my own "lemon drops". i want to be free of alchohol before i begin school.

i am gonna shut up and go veg out now.

samba and soda

this is day #2 of my little "vacation" from temping. tomorrow is my last day, and then i have something for thursday, friday, and tuesday through friday of next week. i've had a relaxing time of it here, but i won't mind getting busy with a job again. plus, i need the money!!! i got part of my retirement payout yesterday. i went and bought new running shoes, which i desperately needed, as my old ones had been worn almost all the way through their soles under the balls of my feet. i wanna go to the salon. maybe i can go tomorrow during the day. tomorrow night, my friend from queens and i are meeting up for some fun. yesterday was spent with my dad going all over the place running errands, exploring neighborhoods, viewing the scenery around town. :)

right now, i am listening to "the antonio carlos jobim songbook" and "red hot + rio". yeah, you could say i'm in a brazilian mood. i bought a used cassette deck off of ebay for a friggin' steal of a deal, and i am hoping it comes tomorrow. the cassette deck in my stereo no longer works, and i've been suffering since it stopped functioning. i think i have more music on cassette than on cd. i was late coming into the cd game. my old stereo with dual cassette and record player died at the end of my freshman year of college, and so when i went to buy a new stereo, there were none with record players built in. so...i was forced into the world of cds. i didn't really have any sort of cd collection until i lived in canada and cds were so friggin' cheap there that i could buy all the ones i'd been wanting to get. but even now, i think i have a lot fewer cds than many folks of the younger generations have. no, i do not have an ipod. i can't afford one and i don't need one; i have a portable tape player and a portable cd player already. i just need some headphones. my old ones broke. :( i'm not all into getting new gadgets when my old ones work just fine. next to my bed, i have my cd player, my record player, and a dual cassette deck on the way. i wish i had my dad's old stereo. that thing is older than i am, by about eight years. it still works fine, though it needs new fuses. hello? why can they not make stereos of that caliber now? my dad has a sansui solid state. beautiful piece of audio equipment. AMAZING, deep, rich sound quality, huge wall antenna, hookups for THREE pairs of speakers (you can have two pairs going at once). and the two speakers that came with the sansui, made of solid wood, are like pieces of beautiful furniture. the sansui solid state is in my mother's garage. my dad doesn't want it shipped here because he is afraid it will get broken on the way. i don't blame him. it's a precious baby to me, too.

i've been thinking a lot about old things, partly because i had a dream the other night that is actually a recurring one. the dream takes place somewhere a bit to the west of the edge of my hometown. surrounding my town are miles of farmland stretching out on the flat valley floor. in this recurring dream, there is a little shack of a place hidden among the olive and oak trees off of a county road. this place usually has a woman working there, but the other night a man was there. it's a dilapidated place with white paint flaking off all over and dirty windows partially obscuring old soda signs. more soda signs adorn the inside walls here and there. there is a counter behind which stands the woman (or the man, who is related to the woman). there's a record player and lots of records back there. there are bottles of sodas like boylan, moxie, faygo, rc cola, etc. in the icebox behind the counter. black-and-white checkered floor. red formica-topped tables and red pleather cushioned stools with chrome legs. classic and welcoming. it's a place i search for often in my dreams. i usually find it open, but a few times i've gone there and found it boarded up and abandoned. i don't know what this little soda shack symbolizes. i think it symbolizes all that from the past that i hold dear. i am only 29 years old, but i remember things of old from when i was little: the drive-in a & w root beer place near the edge of the highway in my town, with the waitress rolling up to the window and attaching that tray to it. the two drive-in movie theatres, one north and one west of my town. having one department store in my town and one in the neighboring town (no malls!). the old iga supermarket with the penny candy and tiny aisles (much different from supermarkets of today). the old movie theatre with the big neon sign outside and only two screens inside (which at that time were a big deal). there was an old drugstore across the street from the movie theatre, and i remember that my mother would take my sister and i there to buy ferrara pan candy and smuggle it into the theatre in my mother's bulging purse. the rollerskating rink with the disco ball and colored lights. i'm only 29 years old and i feel nostalgia for all of this. i remember watching "solid gold" and "dance fever" on tv. we had a color tv in the family room. we got like, 4 channels for a while, because there were only four broadcast networks in our area (or maybe anywhere?). cable tv? remote controls? vcrs? microwave ovens? those were the really fancy things that rich families had, not us. i miss how much more simple stuff was when i was little. and, i wonder how my dad must feel, having grown up in the '50s and '60s? what i grew up with was way less simple than what he had had. seems like some things move too quickly and the world changes too quickly in ways in which it would be better off savoring slowly, and it stays stagnant in ways which need rapid change. anyway, i don't hear this kind of nostalgia from anyone else my age. do they not remember how it was like when they were little? do they not miss those things, the special things that are now gone, the simpler and more innocent things? this soda shack in my dreams is a place i wish i could visit in reality. at the shack, the woman and man were, of course, very friendly and hospitable. they had a sense of genuine neighborliness that seems rare nowadays, especially in this huge city i now reside in. maybe part of why i have these dreams so often is because i live in this huge, anonymous city obsessed with being on the cutting edge. meanwhile, the soda stand is out there in the landscape of my subconsciousness, on the edge of a small town, with miles of fields and tree groves all around, with this same man and woman who have been playing records and opening soda bottles for their customers for eons. i wish i could get on a train and find myself arriving at that soda shack. maybe there would be a route 66-esque motel for me to stay in for the night, too. :)

anyway, speaking of trains, i am figuring out when to go visit my friend in chicago with a tidbit of this retirement money i'm getting. i wanna go by train. i love train trips, and i love the idea of taking the subway to penn station, getting on a train, and arriving at the chicago depot right in the middle of the windy city. someday, i will blog about my cross-country trip from california all the way to new york city in the spring of 2003. it was an amazing experience i'll never forget. anyway, i'd like to get to know some of chicago's old gems. i'm sure many of them have been bulldozed over or neglected into total disrepair due to apathy and greed, but those that remain would be very interesting for me to see. chicago's part in "the great migration" is of particular importance to me. part of me wishes i could go back in time and see those old men sighing into their chairs as they pluck their guitars and let their rough but flowing mississippi delta lamentations fill the dark spaces of the lakeside city at the end of their long railroad journey northward. yeah, i am definitely bringing my howlin' wolf tape and my chess records compliation on this train trip to chicawwwwwgo! :)

it's over

so, today was my last day at the temp assignment. the assignment was seven weeks long. today was a whirlwind day of tying up loose ends, getting out a mass mailing (almost 450 letters), training the newbies, cleaning my desk area, etc. my boss gave me a card and present at the end. she gave me three music cds. her card said the following: "heartfelt thanks to you for all of your magnificent work these past weeks for our project. your dedication and passion for accuracy, plus a great sense of humor and healthy perspective on 'storm and stress' added so much positive atmosphere! i can't thank you enough, wondertemp! good luck in september with your studies. best of luck, thanks again!". i just about cried, but other people were watching, so maybe i felt too self-conscious to shed tears. i left about an hour after she did, and i left a card on her desk right before i left. i can't believe it's over. i didn't feel like a temp. i felt like a bona fide employee. she says she would have scooped me up to be her employee if it weren't for me going back to school in the fall. well, i hope that the venue will need more assistance soon, and that i will be called to come back. that would be nice! in the meantime, i told the temp agency that i need monday and tuesday to just chill out, and i'll be available for temp work again on wednesday. that means i could possibly miss two days of income, but i need time off, and i'd like to go to the foundation center to look for scholarships. yeah, i have been shitty about looking for scholarships so far. i haven't really looked yet. i guess it's a mixture of fear and feeling overwhelmed and feeling tired from work. i really worked my fucking ass off at this temp job; my boss told me that i went way above and beyond what was expected of me. :)

exmo never e-mailed me at my work address to tell me his phone number, and he doesn't have any of my personal info, so i guess i won't be seeing him again. i suspected that would be the case. he never showed interest in taking lunch with me or hanging out after work on days he didn't have to go work at the restaurant. it felt like we had such a great relationship all those weeks; it seemed to me like we truly clicked. other people commented on what a pair we were. i'm sad that it turns out he doesn't want to be my friend outside of that. it makes me wonder if the great rapport was all in my own mind, but others commented on it, so i don't think it was just something i imagined. maybe he can't deal with the kind of deep friendship we're capable of. i've had the experience of having a really intense connection with someone who just could not handle building anything from it. :( it sucks!!!

so, even though i am exhausted to the bone from all of this work and hubbub, i am going to go volunteer in manhattan tomorrow. i'm helping to prepare for the AIDS walk on sunday. i won't actually be in the AIDS walk on sunday, but i want to help prepare for it (specifically prepare food and drink for the walkers). i would do the walk if my feet were in perfect shape (i have plantar fasciitis which is much better now, but i don't wanna push it) and i had new shoes (my running shoes are old and a mess, which is another thing i need to take care of with that retirement payout). i am contributing to the walk as i can.

there's a kitty under the car parked 10 feet away from me, and it knows i'm here, but it's just sitting there. a few minutes ago, it was closer to me, examining something on the ground, and it wasn't scared off by me sitting here looking at it and softly speaking to it. i have good animal karma. sometimes, it's upsetting, though. why, on a garbage-stewn sidewalk, while i was focused on getting to the bus stop before the bus came, did i somehow notice this tiny, tiny baby bird laying there on the sidewalk amongst the trash? well, i did. it must have been a newly hatched bird that fell from its nest (or had died in its nest and was pushed out). it was soooo tiny. i noticed it, and i thought about what i should do. at first i walked past it, but no. i can't walk past a dead animal and do nothing. i went back and gingerly picked it up and took it to a little grassy area by a tree some feet away, and laid it down under the tree and arranged twigs around it. if i hadn't been nervous about the bus (and had had some sort of scooping implement), i would have dug a little grave for the bird, right there on the side of a busy, dirty, garbage-strewn street. maybe the bird is still there (even though it's rained hard since then), and i can go give it a proper burial? i might bring it back here and bury it with moritz, the sick squirrel i found in the front yard last fall and had tried to save. ...update: the kitty was trying to drink from water pooled at the bottom of a water spout, so i went inside and put water in a dish and put it next to the spout (about two feet away from the car it's now sitting under). kitty didn't run away when i went over and put the dish down. this is how my mother came to adopt a cat: a stray visited her backyard and she fed it, and it came back, and she fed it again, and soon, that little cat became my mother's own friend. yeah, it's been about five years, and that cat is a full part of my mother's house! hmmm....is that what's going to happen with me and this kitty? stay tuned...

anyway, it's almost 9:45 and i still haven't eaten dinner, so i must leave the kitty under the car and the water bowl, and go make something to eat. :) goodnight!

tisdag

it's tuesday. i got to come home from work at the regular time. no more overtime. so, exmo's last day was yesterday, and he gave me a hug and said he'd e-mail me his phone #. i dunno if he will. i miss him. so, it's me wrapping stuff up, and then i'll train the new ones. i work really hard at this job. they get their damn money's worth from me!!!

i got my med samples and prescriptions from the doctor's office. i dropped off the prescriptions and will pick up the meds tomorrow after work. no more skipping doses. i'm on my diet now. that night i wrote i was starting a diet, i meant it. i don't want to be thin. i want to be thinner. i expect to lose what i need to lose in 10-12 months, simply by eating less. how simple! well, it's not easy to eat the low amount of calories i'm gonna have to eat to lose weight. it makes me feel like i'm starving. :( but i gotta do it.

when i get my big ol' retirement money back, i am gonna pay off my medical bill and then go to the salon. i want them to trim my hair and cut the front into bangs which they will then straighten, and then they will color my hair. i haven't done shit to my hair in almost a year, cuz i haven't been able to afford it. my hair is a mess. i really wanna go to sweden. i am so tempted to just fucking go if i have enough left over from the retirement money. all i really have to pay for is a plane ticket; the rest of it is taken care of by "min svenska familj". i really wanna see them; i haven't seen them in almost two years!!! if i have enough to get a cheap ticket over there, i may just fucking go! i was talking to my english friend about meeting in iceland this summer, too, but i definitely CANNOT afford to friggin be in iceland, unless it's just for one or two nights in a hostel and very simple food bought at a grocery store. i'm a pro at backpacking on a very tight budget; i may be able to pull off a night or two in iceland on the way to or back from sweden. i wish i could also go see my cousins and my friend in norway, but i sure as fuck can't do that! :(

fat girl blues

i'm still not consistent with my meds. i'm still a nutter because of that inconsistency. my doctor prescribed me new meds and also left some samples for me. they're all waiting at his office. they've been waiting there for over a week. why didn't i go get them? because i worked my fucking ass off with no lunch breaks and until late hours, that's why.

i'm watching a chinese film called "quitting". the main character, playing himself, is very cute. i think the movie is quite good. i've also watched "ed wood" twice, as well as a few other films. i have a linkup to directv via the family upstairs, and i get all the movie channels. my lair is a fucking mess, and my body is a fucking mess. it's like, i dunno what to cook anymore, and i have been eating already-prepared shit this past week. i've had a lot of pizza this past week. no, not the vegan pizza. i've been having regular ol' cheesy pizza. i feel like i am a garbage receptacle, and i feel like i also live in a garbage receptacle. i've been overworked and undermedicated, and i'm a mess. i feel disgusting.

i dated a boy for a short time in december and january. he was the first boy i dated since alex died in june of 2004. it was a BIG fucking deal to date someone. i've nicknamed this guy "buddhist boy" for this blog. we got along very well during our little romance. the problem was that i was not physically attracted to him at all (i didn't tell him that, though), but i was hoping i would become physically attracted to him as we became closer. i met him on a dating site. he knew from my profile that i was a) brown and b) fat. it seemed not to matter to him, or at least, not matter enough for him to not pursue dating me. well, things were pretty intense between us in every way very quickly...our first date of a dinner out turned into a three-day affair in his apartment. we spent some intense times together after that, too. the last time i saw him, we'd gone on another dinner date and then went back to his apartment and watched hayao miyazaki films and spent the night together. the next morning was a workday, and he had to go to work (i didn't, because i was unemployed at the time). he left me in his bed. i slept in. later that morning, while still in his bed, i get an e-mail from him on my cell phone that tells me he needs to be just friends, and blah, blah, blah. yeah, he breaks things off BY E-MAIL, WHILE I AM STILL IN HIS FUCKING BED. That really felt like a slap in the face. He said he had invited me over the night before to test things to be able to decide for sure whether or not to call it off. It was just a really fucked up way for him to handle things. I wish he had just told me the evening before at dinner, to my face. I had a gut feeling deep down that we weren't gonna make it, but I certainly would not have handled it the way he did had I been the one to break it off. I never became physically attracted to him at all. I just wasn't. I found him slightly-to-somewhat unattractive. And, I am guessing that he found me to be unattractive as well, almost certainly because I am fat. He has a girlfriend now. I know this from his website. I think they started dating 4-6 weeks after he called shit off with me. She looks so much like him that when I first saw the pics of her on his site, I thought it was his sister. Then I remembered he doesn't have a sister. Then I saw a pic on there of her kissing him. She's a very plain-looking, stringy brown-haired, THIN WHITE GIRL, OF COURSE. OF FUCKING COURSE. before you get all huffy, let me tell you that i say OF COURSE to the kind of person he got with because people, for the most part, are SOOOO predictable in who they have as romantic partners. it's really fucking annoying. white goes with white, black goes with black, thin goes with thin, rich goes with rich, education level goes with education level, social clique goes with social clique, blah, blah, blah. it's soooo fucking predictable. i just want someone to share my values and beliefs and yes, it would really help if they've had some real struggle in their life so that we can understand each other and support each other better. buddhist boy and i shared a lot of the same values and beliefs. yes, he may have not understood from personal experience many of the kinds of struggles i've been through, but he was compassionate. he was a sensitive new-age boy. and he was a straight boy who was all about gay rights. what else could i want? but, i wasn't attracted to him physically, and he let me go in exchange for someone who looked JUST LIKE HIM. people are so dumb in blindly following whatever their culture tells them is desirable. i don't fucking fit into anyone's box in any way. my identity has always put me on the margins of society. on top of that, my beliefs are not the mainstream at all. on top of that, my physical body is of the type that is absolutely LOATHED by the majority of people in my country. for all these reasons, i have a very small chance of finding another partner in this lifetime. i've never met another person who's anything like alex. he was a very rare breed. so very many of his qualities were what i've always wanted, but hadn't otherwise found, in a boy (who wasn't gay). yeah, so i was dumped by buddhist boy for the kind of girl he was "supposed" to be with. it really makes me feel like fucking shit. i've been acting like it blew over me soon after it happened, but it didn't. he plagued my dreams all night friday night, and i've been consciously mulling over it ever since.

i feel so fucking ugly and FAT (in a bad way), and so undesirable, and like a loser. maybe i've watched too much tv lately, cuz i keep wondering if the magic key is losing weight and achieving the ideal female figure. heh, but you know, i never had a boyfriend when i was thin...boys didn't give me the time of day in either high school (when i was as thin as kate moss) and in college (when i could have been halle berry's twin). and, yes, i am a nice, smart, caring, funny, generous, open-minded, compassionate person who knows how to have a healthy relationship and how to communicate. but...i remain alone. maybe there is some boy out there who is a nice, smart, caring, funny, generous, open-minded, compassionate person who knows how to have a healthy relationship and who is communicative and emotionally available. maybe that boy has been overlooked like i have been. maybe we'll meet and fall in love. maybe he'll love me as this "venus of willendorf" that i am right now. you know, i was alex's first girlfriend! he had been looked over by girls all his life (i dunno why!), or maybe there were some who liked him but were too shy to say anything. he certainly was the most wonderful boy ever, and i don't understand how i could have been the first female to see that! but it happens!

anyway, i try to be one of the strong and tough and fierce fat girls, but really, i feel disgusting a lot of the time. i try not to care what ideals mainstream society puts on me, and i try to actively resist that cookie-cutter ideal...but at the end of the day, i always feel ugly and gross. i think i look like shit. and thinking i look like shit has an effect on everything. there are some people out there who might think i'm fine the way i am. alex thought i looked great as i was, but i never understood why. because, quite frankly, for all of the fat gurl power and confidence i try to stir up in myself, i look in the mirror at that fat body and i just know it doesn't look good. there are some fat women who look good. i am not one of them, not at this weight. so, even though i think that i should be accepted as i am by others, i don't accept myself and i want to shed some pounds. i think i've had it with hating the way i look, so it's time to change the way i look. i would feel much better about myself if i looked in the mirror and liked what i saw. if hating the way i look makes me a sucker to society's superficial and narrow beauty ideals, then label me a sucker. i'm going on a diet NOW. watch me look totally different 10 months from now. that's it! i'm on my way to thinner!

tack till gud! det är fredag!

oh, mah gawd. i had the most atrocious cramps this morning! i went in to work two hours late. so, i may actually work until the end of next week. exmo's replacement begins work on monday. exmo's last day is monday. my boss wants him gone, but will keep me through the week to train the new ones. she wants him gone because he's been really lazy at work since the project came to fruition. he has also come in to work late every day since he began and plays on the computer a lot. yeah, it's getting on my damn nerves, too. the honeymoon with exmo is over. i still wanna be his friend, and i still adore him, but the honeymoon is over. :) well, i have been working so damn hard that i am exhausted and haven't talked to any family or friends for days. i worked A LOT this week, particularly. i am so grateful to have tomorrow off, and part of me wants to stay home on sunday. i am SOOOO tired!!!

the neighborhood i live in has erupted into brilliant, lush green foliage and flowers. spring truly is at its zenith! the weather is getting a bit too warm and humid for my tastes. soon it will be summer, and i will suffer in the subway station ovens and on the dirty streets where disgusting smells of garbage and urine waft up off of the hot pavement. i will enjoy the still-mild temperatures while they last. a few things about summer in new york city that i look forward to: FIREFLIES!!! trips to the beach! getting a tan! watching kids play in the fire hydrants and sitting on stoops eating ice cream!

here i am going on and on about work and weather, when i have more exciting news to tell: so, columbia reconsidered my financial aid package, and they just awarded me a scholarship! granted, it's not much, but every bit helps! they don't give out much in scholarships; they gave me a pretty good one close to the maximum amount they'll give out. yeah, i dunno why they didn't give me one from the get-go, but i am not going to complain. i will celebrate that i now have one. this weekend really has to be spent finding private scholarships and applying to them. last saturday, i was all wrapped up in hanami, and on sunday i just sat on my ass doing nothing but watching tv. maybe i've been putting it off because i'm scared i won't find anything to apply for. i just have to try, though. i have to jump in. it would be wonderful to lessen my loan load even more!!!

by the way, i finished passing today. i'm too tired to discuss it right now, but i would like to later. i would also like to continue reading harlem renaissance literature and other african-american literature. unfortunately, most of such books of mine are still in california. i have james baldwin's giovanni's room, though. i'll try it out and see how it fits. oh, and i have zami: a new spelling of my name. i only read part of that book, many years ago in college. i'd like to try it again. so i'll see which book fits my current mood better. books are what help me survive these subway commutes i have. for a while, i was addicted to playing tetris on my cell phone during my commutes, but thankfully i have gone back to reading during those trips.

i'm gonna crash now. my eyeballs are starting to strobe and my uterus continues to contract painfully.

p.s.: my friend in england just sent me a postcard from paris. he went there to witness the presidential election and its aftermath last weekend. yes, i still write back and forth with my friend in england! the honeymoon is over, but he remains my dear, sweet friend!!!

My Temp Assignment Winds Down

I think I'll only be at the venue for 2 or 3 more days. The project we were working on came to fruition a few days ago, and now we are winding it down. Things went really well with the project; everything turned out great. The new permanent staffperson who is replacing the one who quit over a month ago is here. I am training her. I am sad to leave. Exmo has like, 3 more weeks here, I think. I think he's sad I'm leaving. He's been warmer to me as of late. He was never cold to me, but reserved in terms of letting our friendship be what it can be. Maybe he'll want to be my real friend, not just my work friend. I hope so. I've been working long hours. I just come home and crash. It's okay, though. I need the $$$. Anyway, my boss was very pleased with how the project turned out. VERY pleased. She was "punch drunk", as Exmo described. She gave me a thank-you card that told me I was "the rock" of the project, and that it wouldn't have happened without me. Oh, my GOD. This is the OPPOSITE of how I was treated at my last permanent job! It is SOOO nice to be acknowledged for my hard work. Neither permanent job I had in NYC ever did that. I really hope this venue needs temp help soon in some sort of respect. I am gonna talk to my temp agency today, and tell them how much of a great experience I've had at the venue, and how I would love to work there more if something else comes up there. I expect my boss to give me a glowing recommendation, so the temp agency would probably be glad to place me in something else at the venue. :) I have about 3 1/2 months until school begins. I may just continue on temping on short assignments part time here and there even after school starts. I will be getting paid for my field assignment. I will also continue being an eBay seller. I'll get by. :)

Körsbär Trädgården

Jag promenerade i körsbär trädgården igår. Det var helt underbart! Jag träffade två svenska kvinnor i trädgården. Jag hade hört dem pratande på svenska och frågade, "Kommer ni från Sverige?" Vi pratade lite. De sade att körsbär trädgården var "Nangijala". Jag höll med. De frågade om varför jag hade bött i Sverige. Jag berättade om Alex och hur jag flyttade tillbaka till Amerika efter hans död. Jag berättade om hur jag hade läst "Bröderna Lejonhjärta" efter Alexs död och hur boken kände mig bättre. Jag känner mig bättre när jag tänker på Alex boende i Nangijala. Jag vet att han bor i en hel härlig plats. Jag tittade upp på blommorna i trädgårdens himmel och började att gråta lite. Alex var där i blommorna och solens sken och vinden.

Translation: I walked around among the cherry blossom trees yesterday. It was totally incredible! I met two Swedish women among the trees. I had heard them speaking Swedish to each other, and I went up and asked them, "Are you from Sweden?" We chatted a bit. They said that the cherry blossom canopy was "Nangijala". I agreed. They asked me why I had lived in Sweden. I explained about Alex and how I moved back to the U.S. after his death. I talked about how I had read "The Brothers Lionheart" (a book by Astrid Lindgren, the woman who wrote "Pippi Longstocking") after Alex's death and it made me feel better. I feel better when I think of Alex being in Nangijala. I know that he lives in a totally beautiful, wonderful place. I looked up at the full blooms that were creating a kind of sky or heaven above my head, and I began to cry a little. Alex was there in the flowers and the sunshine and the breeze.

Här är igårs foton från den botaniska trädgården. (Here are yesterday's photos from the botanical garden):

Cherry Esplanade and Cherry Walk

Cherry Blossoms Creating a Carpet by the Eastern Parkway Entrance

Lilacs

Dogwood Tree Blooming

Kodama Forest Spirit T-Shirt

I really love the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. It was so great to be under the canopies of blossoms yesterday. I was also grateful to have that interaction with the Swedish women. I feel like they were giving me a message from Alex. :)

I had a nice dinner with my friends at the Ethiopian place. They gave me flowers and vegan cupcakes. :) It was really nice. :) Then I went with one of them to mail out my stuff at the post office and then to a birthday party. Then I went home. I didn't get home until after 3 a.m. Today, I'm watching Animal Planet (a show about what all the wild animals are doing during the spring) and working on university stuff. I also need to do my laundry and wash dishes. My dad has to work today, so we're not gonna hang out. I'm just staying home.

Hanami

Hi. Today, I am going back to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden to participate in more Hanami. Now, all of the cherry blossoms are blooming on the Cherry Esplanade. Last weekend, they were only budding. The pictures in the previous post are of trees on the Cherry Walk. They are pink-white blossoms, as you can see. The ones blossoming on the Esplanade are a darker pink. I wish my friend in Chicago were here. I remember we participated in Hanami two years ago, soon after she'd moved to New York. Yeah, she moved to NYC in January of 2005 and left in December, 2006. New York wasn't good to her. Anyway, she appreciates cherry blossoms very much. One of my dreams is to go to Kyoto. I want to be there in the spring for Hanami and in the fall for the colorful Japanese maple foliage. Someday, I wish to have a house with a yard so that I can create a Japanese garden. I wish for the house itself to be Japanese-inspired, but also Scandinavian-inspired. I want it to be a Japanavian house. :) I want to paint rosmåling on the doors. I'm an artist, albeit a blocked one. :)

Right now, I am watching a movie called, "Corrina, Corrina". I really love this film. It's one of those films that I wish to have on DVD. It's SOOO good on so many levels. It's one of those really good American films that's totally been underappreciated. After the movie is over, I am gonna shower and get dressed. Last weekend, I wore my Kamaji t-shirt. Today, I will wear either my Kodama forest spirit shirt or my Totoro shirt. I'm leaning towards the Kodama shirt. After Hanami, I am gonna go to the main post office in Manhattan to send out the two DVDs I sold today and yesterday. I'll be doing that on the way to my celebration at an Ethiopian restaurant. It's a celebration of my admittance to Columbia. But really, it's a good excuse to see my good friend from Queens and her girlfriend and a few other cool folks we know. And Ethiopian food is my all-time favorite cuisine. I always get the vegetarian combo. :) Last night, I tried to replicate the food that my friend from Kenya makes. It didn't work out too well. :( She makes these wonderful lentils and this scrumptious cauliflower dish. I tried both, but it turned out not-so-well. I guess I need practice. Anyway, I was trying to find turmeric around the neighborhood west of mine, and found a South Asian supermarket. Lots of great stuff there. :) I found my favorite masala, pav bhaji. I also found something I'd never seen before: basil seed and honey drink. It's Thai. I haven't had it yet; I'm saving it for tomorrow. Tomorrow is all about scholarships. By the way, I asked Columbia to rereview my application. I really do not understand why I was not considered for a need-based scholarship or work-study. If I haven't been broke enough to qualify for need-based scholarships, then WHO IS?

The movie is over, and it's time to shower. By the way, it's care-package sending time. I just sent one to my friend in Chicago. Another one is going out to a second dear friend far away. I love finding cool things and creating care packages for people. :) Anyway, time to go. I wanna get going so that I can spend lots of time with the cherry blossoms. I'm gonna take cell phone pics and regular camera pics as well. My next post will include many more sakura pics. It's nice to beautify my blog. :)

Sakura Matsuri og Andre Saker

I promised you that I would post pictures from the Sakura Matsuri last weekend. I can't do it right now; I have to wait until I get home. I don't have picture editing stuff on this computer. Yeah, I am on "lunch break", and today, I actually GOT a lunch break! It's been so hectic recently that I've gotten little breaktime.

UPDATE - Here are the pictures:




I cropped my dad out of the third pic, to protect his identity (and mine). The teddy bear tummy sticking into the left-hand side of the pic belongs to him. :)

UPDATE #2: I finally got news from Hunter College today. They rejected my application. Well, so I'm even more glad that I just said "yes" to Columbia. Funny how the ivy league school accepts me and the public city school rejects me. I've heard that Hunter is the hardest to get into, though, because it's such a cheap school. Well, I'll be paying more, but I'll get a much better-quality overall experience. CUNY SUCKS. The specific Hunter social work program may be good, but CUNY SUCKS. Before anyone who might happen upon this gets huffy at reading this, just know that I say that CUNY sucks out of EXPERIENCE. I used to be an employee there. Yeah. And guess what? I need CUNY's authorization to withdraw my retirement money. FUCK. Those people at the central office are SO incompetent. Will I ever get through to the right person, and will they ever do their job correctly and sign the papers? Seems easy enough, but even the simplest task seems to get bungled at that fucking office. Well, I will be calling them tomorrow. I need that money NOW. I need to pay my $3,000 medical bill.

BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM: I know where you are, you lurkers. See that world map down there on the right side of the screen? I can tell where folks are who happen upon this online diary. I know of only two people who read my blog: my friend here in Queens and my friend down in Georgia. Yup, there's a New York blip and a Georgia blip on the map. What about the other blips? Looks like there is a Chicago blip. Maybe that's my friend who just moved there a few months ago. I can't remember if I gave her my blog address. What about the blip southwest of NYC and the other blip down in the South near Georgia? Hmmm...probably some unsuspecting person happened upon this site by mistake. The most compelling blip is the one coming from Stockholm. The Swedish words I write on here must have come up on some Stockholmer's internet search or something. Maybe if I start writing words in Norwegian, I'll get some blips from Norway.

Speaking of Norway, Norwegian Independence Day is on the 17th of this month, and I am going to go to Bay Ridge, Brooklyn to watch the "Syttende Maj" parade. :) I have a huge Norwegian flag and several smaller ones. Why, you ask? Because I am part Norwegian. I mean, I REALLY am part-Norwegian, meaning I have cousins there that I have visited several times. So what's up with all this about Sweden, then, you ask? Because I love Sweden as well, and I used to live there, and my deceased partner is Swedish, and I consider his family to be my family. And...my ancestors in Norway originally came from Sweden, so you could say I'm part-Swedish. My ancestors were glassblowers. Some of them moved to Norway (the ones I'm descended from) and some settled in Småland (an area in the southern part of Sweden). I may very well have distant relatives still in Småland or other parts of Sweden. I would like to find them. There were many artistic people among my Scandinavian ancestors. My great-grandpa's brother immigrated from Norway to San Francisco, where he was an opera singer. My cousins with whom I have stayed build houses for a living, and the houses they build are INCREDIBLE. The houses they build are not mansions or anything like that. They are traditional Norwegian houses, and they include all sorts of awesome details like intricate carpentry in here and there, and rosmåling on some of the doors. "Rosmåling" is a kind of Norwegian painting that is absolutely gorgeous. It is often done on everyday wooden objects like bowls, plates, jars, doors, etc. I even have salt and pepper shakers with a bit of it on them. They look like miniature, painted wooden barrels. :) They were passed down to me by my mother, who went and stayed with the cousins in the 1960s. I've also been handed down a silver broche with the word "Christiania" engraved on the back of it. "Christiania" is an old name for Oslo. The broche dates back the the early 1900s, when my great-grandfather immigrated here.

Speaking of Scandinavia, I am currently reading a book by Nella Larsen (who was part-Danish, part black), called Passing. No, I didn't finish the Sembene Ousmane book, God's Bits of Wood. I started on it but just am not in the mood for that sort of book right now. Yeah, so I haven't actually started on Passing itself. I'm still reading the introduction, which is long (and very interesting). I look forward to reading the book itself. I'm sure it will be very thought-provoking.

I hope my Norwegian words above will lead to a blip or two from Norway. :) HEI NORGE!!! JEG ELSKER DEG!!! HA DET!!! :)

jag har inte råd...eller?

this post is mostly about money. specifically, united states dollars $$$.

i got my financial aid award today. columbia university gave me NO SCHOLARSHIP. i didn't expect much of a scholarship from them; i know that grad schools don't hand out the big buck scholarships like undergrad schools do. but, i expected something. i got NO SCHOLARSHIP. anyway, i got a federal subsidized stafford loan, a federal unsubsidized stafford loan, and a federal grad plus loan. my first year of grad school, with every single expense included (e.g. room, board, travel, personal stuff, books, etc.), has been calculated as totaling $53,000. yeah, that's a lot of fucking money! anyway, i think i'll need less than that, because i live pretty simply and frugally. my big project for the next few months is: GET SCHOLARSHIPS!!! then, when i am awarded scholarships, i will tell the financial aid office, and i can lessen my grad plus loan. there are a lot of quirky scholarships out there that are lesser-known. i am going to find them and apply for them. i am a quirky individual with lots of quirky traits, and i'm sure i qualify for different quirky scholarships. plus, i'll apply for the less quirky ones. but, even in the worst case scenario, i'll be over $100,000 in debt. well, i will pay it off, then! someday, i will be a social worker, and though social workers don't get paid big bucks, i will make a livable income from which i can pay off my debt. i will also meet "love of my life #3" and sharing a life with another person will save me money. yes, i am a hopeless romantic, but i also know the practical reasons for hitching up with someone. :)

the second item on the money agenda is that i am going to take the money out of my retirement fund to pay off the $3,000 medical bill. yes, i had over $5,000 that was sitting in a retirement fund the whole time i went through joblessness (which was over 6 months). no, i never touched it no matter how desperate i was. i was never quite desperate enough, i told myself, to touch it. i maxed out my credit cards and pimped my wares on ebay, and god knows what else, to get by. actually, i think it's a miracle i got by for that long on hardly any income. i had to ask my father and mother for money once; i got $400 from him and $400 from her, and i only asked them out of complete and utter desperation. yeah, isn't that amazing that i got by? i am soooo thankful for these two months of temp work that i have had. i hope that the music venue i work at will have more need for temporary help after this particular project ends. this particular project i'm doing most likely ends at the middle or the end of next week. i have done a very good job; my boss makes comments that i am "running the show", that i am superb, incredible, on top of it, etc. it really makes me feel great to be acknowledged for my work. i really like my boss. she's a very kind woman. this assignment i'm doing, being her assistant, has given me a renewed faith in office work. actually, all of my temp assignments from these past few months have renewed my faith. it's a great feeling. in case you don't know, i've "survived" a few terribly abusive office environments (at "permanent" positions) here in new york city. that is why i am temping now. i quit the most recent permanent position due to abuse from my boss. that job environment was the WORST. it takes A LOT for me to be unhappy at a job nowadays. i guess that's the upside of going through hell...anything less than hell seems like cake. but the music venue where i work is cake no matter what. i hope that they'll need temporary services in another aspect and that i can continue on working there. i'm sure that the last day with my boss, i'll cry (in a good way). :)